feelings re-surfacing

there was once a girl with a friend, she was a great friend and was like a big sister to this girl. that friend broke up with her boyfriend and he became suicidal, out of the blue he starts to talk to her, venting about how he feels. she'd never really talked to him, just knew him as her friend's boyfriend. they started to talk more, he was heartbroken over the breakup and I guess he needed someone to talk to. the girl talked to him, she soon became concerned and wanted to make sure he was ok, they would talk every day via IM. she hated that he was suicidal just over a breakup, but she had never experienced love before so she couldn't truly grasp it. soon they became really good friends and talked to each other about everything,without knowing or thinking, they were therapy for each other. after several months he started to get over his ex, and the girl started to become really attached to him, her feelings grew and she started to love him. he was her first real love but she didn't know it, he probably didn't either but after a while she finally confessed to him. unknown to her, he liked her too, but it couldn't work out, they were three years apart and even though he liked her, his friends looked down on it. Even though her heart was broken she still had hope, the two decided that they would be each other's fall back if they couldn't find a decent person to date. she loved him, and didn't want it to be like this, but she agreed. a little over a year passed and their relationship kinda fell apart. they took on the roles as "big brother and big sister" and started on different paths, they would say hi every once in a while but school started and they kinda forgot about each other, the girl dated a couple guys but they all ended up being jerks. more than a year passed and the girl decided on a whim to go through some old files. she found some old journals that described the conversations she had with her old friend. she realized how much she missed him and still had a tinge of feelings for him, all she wants now is to be able to talk with her "big brother" more

true story

a venting/ apology post

I'm SO sorry I haven't been on lately!! Finals are coming up and this month's been totally crazy! I've been confirmed, had an anniversary in Virginia,may fiesta, auditions, voice lessons and crazyness.

anyways, today has been like... the crappiest day of my life.... it's always when we clean the house that my family and I get into fights! like, when anne's at dad's we're fine! but all anne does is sit on the computer until she has to clean, and when she has to clean she just sits on her bed complaining how life's not fair, this wasn't her mess and she doesn't know where anything goes because she has so much stuff. anyways today she pissed my mom off so bad that my mom left the house, she's been gone for about an hour now and the kids were complaining *I* don't do anything, when I just finished cleaning the living room and dining room all by MYSELF because my mom left and my siblings have better things to do then be a part of the family and clean. so while I was cleaning the house, by myself, I made piles of the kids stuff in front of the kids doors, just like mom does. anne saw it and was all like "you put all this crap in MY room?!?!? you're such a bitch!" and she hit me! hey, I don't think little sisters should be calling their big sister's a bitch when her sister's in charge. of course she runs out of the house after that, and of course she has the phone with her, and of course she calls mom saying that I tried to kill her, and of course now I have no way to contact ANYONE if the house burns down or something.. it's ALWAYS like this though! we clean, anne complains, mom leaves, I'm stuck with the kids and all the responsibilities of the house and I get abused by my little sister. I just wish I had some help around the house when this happens, anne always takes the phone so there's no way I can call for help, and what could anyone do to help me?? I just wish I had a dad or something, I can't do this by myself! I'm just 14 and I'm a kid, yet everyone expects me to just keep smiling and pretend like nothings wrong and deal with it. I wish I could just be a kid, because I am one, and I have a life to live and I don't wanna be stuck in my house being abused by a sister with mental problems. people ask me "why don't you fight back?" I do, I have! I'm like, the weakest person alive, ask my friends, I can't even throw a punch. and on top of that anne's crazy strong, and I've gotten several horrible injuries from her, and I hate it! I have nowhere to go because my friends all live far away from me, my other family lives in Akron and I just dunno what to do anymore. I don't like living like this, it's horrible. I try to help wherever I can but all it leads is to abuse of some kind, mental verbal, physical.. and I'm slowly turning into this person I swore I never would be. I hate it, and I just need someone,anyone, to just be there for me, because right now I have no one that I know I could go to anytime, nowhere to run, just my home. and even in my home, its not safe, there's rarely any peace, I'm just rotting away slowly, it's sad.. I'll probably die young from my sister bashing my skull against the wall or something, she's tried that before but I've survived, in a sense, I dunno how long I can live like this...

I guess I just need help, I've made this crazy long plea/ vent blog and you guys probably think I'm crazy or something... I just don't know how to express what I need verbally, so I'm just writing so people know what's going on right now.. normally I just smile and pretend everything's ok. but right now, it's far from ok