I tend to have this REALLY bad habit of going weeks without blogging, it's not that I have anything better to do, or that I don't have computer access.. I just don't blog. So, I'm sorry, I just really need to blog more, it makes me feel a lot better when I go on long writing rants.
So, I dunno if anyone really reads this, not that I really care, I enjoy blogging and even if I have a bazillion readers or none at all I still am gonna write. But I've realized that I REALLY crave educated, philosophical conversations. Unfortunately my group of friends are not one for any sort of educated conversation, it makes me sad... That's why I'm so excited for college 'cuz then I'll be much more likely to find friends with the same interests and smartness... I'm not saying my friends are smart, they are.. But I always feel like I'm better than them and I feel terrible for it, I don't like feeling better than people, I like there being others that are better than me. I'm also not saying there aren't people better than me, I just don't have the ability to talk to them. The most educated conversations I've had are with my teachers, but I never get to get REALLY good conversations with them. That's the one thing I miss about Fieldcrest (my old school) in 7th grade, there were a LOT of philosophical conversations that I had there. I remember one day we had an overnight at the school and I talked with some teachers and some of my friends until 3 am about.. everything, life death, hidden meanings, some stuff like that. I really do miss that. I think my friends have the ability to talk like that but they don't wanna open up about that kind of thing or they just don't care. I want to meet someone who cares, who's willing to talk about the "what ifs" or the "maybes", someone willing to talk about the big picture in life and isn't focused on their stupid high school drama that's happening that moment.
I strongly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. when I say something like that my friends either nod their heads or give me a blank stare. Do they even know what I'm talking about? Is it possible that this drama of So-and-so breaking up with me has PURPOSE other than ruining my life? I really do love my friends, don't get me wrong. But it's so frustrating when you can't converse in the way you think, you have to dumb it down, or the type of music you listen to your friends think is garbage, or when you sing they tell you to shut up because they think the song you're singing is stupid. I never thought I'd have friends like this. I thought I'd be a theater geek surrounded by other theater geeks, singing on the bus and conversing about the tragic storyline of "West Side Story" or where we'd audition next. Instead I have friends who only go to my performances because I'm in them or I beg them to come.
Sometimes I just feel so alone, I just want to be friends with someone who is similar to me, not the exact opposite...
More thoughts later
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