I have a secret

Soo... Im pretty damn glad no one reads this cuz things are about to get personal (when i mean personal, i mean im gonna talk about myself.. But i do that a lot here)
Anyways, i might seem really self-centered on this blog.. I talk about me and my problems a LOT.. but its cuz i rarely get to do that in real life, since i havent been able to talk to my best friend lately the only other person im okay talking about this is with my mom. Weird i know, but shes pretty awesome with like... Everything.. But theres a pretty big difference about talking about your problems to your mom than with a friend.. I totally love this blog cuz i can write so much in it and i know that my blog wont juge me, or tell me im wrong, or try to fix me.. Which is what a lot of people do. And a lot of the time, if i tell my friends something personal, i feel like a cranky bitch because most of the time they just stop me and just tell me how terrible their lives are.. It sucks.
But ive been stalling and stuff so ill just say it.. I think i have the beginning of an eating disorder... Im not full blown yet.. So its good that ive identified it but still.. When you're someone like me who is used to being the savior of other people, who thinks that their isnt anything MAJORLY wrong with them... Its just... Wow...
This came to my attention when we did a food diary for one of my biomed classes... I eat only around half the calories i should every day.. Sometimes less! When i was filling it out every day i was always like "i HAVE to have eaten more than this! There is no way i eat this little" and its not like i force myself NOT to eat, i dont think im fat, i just forget. Ill be doing something and just the thought of eating seems less important than what im doing at the moment, before i know it, ive missed a meal. Its so scary because ive been sleeping more and more and having less energy... I just want to talk to someone, i really am freaked out and i just want to vent my feelings to someone and just have them listen. I dont want them to fix me, i dont want them to freak out, i just want them to understand, i want them to tell me itll be ok... I just want to be supported by someone other than my mom. To a lot of people i know, this is nothing. I dont cut myself, i dont do drugs or drink, im not abused every day, and not currently suffering from any disease. But this is scary for ME. What if it gets worse? What if i have to be sent to one of those places that they force feed you and give you medicine every day? I dont want to be this way, having to FORCE myself to eat every day, eating a full meal is HARD for me, its not supposed to be that way.
Even though i have support from my mom, who reminds me to eat every day and makes sure i eat it all. I feel so lonely, im like a scared little kid, and i just dont know what to do.
Im surrounded by so many people who care about me, who think they know me.. But they dont.. They never have seen me cry, theyve never seen me as anyone but "happy kayla" and its like the world is over if im not happy.
Im sorry, im venting too much, that is good for another blog... The point is. Im ill, and im scared and lonely. I hate this!

Oh dear me...

Soo... Its a free period and i was able to get internet access from the choir room! Hopefully my ipod doesnt crash on me :P anyways, im bored and tired and dont really want to be here! Its the last day of "classes" before exams and winter break so of course all we have to do is socialize and do nothing. Not REALLY trying to complain but it does make the day pretty long since i havent really had to use my brain at all... AND keep in mind i dont really have anyone to socialize WITH... Yeah, life is rough... But hopefully when the musical starts ill become better friends with the people i WANT to hang out with!!!
Well, class is almost over~

Getting ready for exams

So, exam week is next week.. And i guess our teachers just went "oh shit! I havent given them this test or homework!! I guess ill give it to them now!" during one of the busiest weeks i have!!!! Ive gotten so many freaking exam packets that take hours and two midterm projects that are famous for taking days to complete... And btw, its only wednesday! Why is it that the week before a holiday is like.. The longest week EVER! Grrr... And not really having someone (keely) to talk to or hang out with makes this week just... Blah... Im sorry for venting so much to you blog, this week has just been so stressful and im back in my lonely phase, so basically... Im not a happy camper!!! I miss having friends Nd some form of a life :'(

I missed you!

Hello dear blog! Its been a while! And i am so sorry :'( i feel like I've cheated! Ive been pretty active in tumblr and school that i forgot about you! (sad, i know!) but it just wasn't the same! I haven't had a place where i can just spill all my feelings and not feel totally self-centered about it... But here i CAN do that! You're like an ex boyfriend that after a while you miss and just always go back to, you were my first love dear blog! So anyways, I'm gonna talk about my life now...
Life has been boring and stressful at the same time. Boring because there isn't anything interesting, fun, or exciting that has really happened to me since i went to south Carolina a few months ago (i went with keely:D). But its been stressful because of school, classes have been getting harder and more intense (so has the workload) and i came across one of the most evil, horrible teachers i have ever met in my whole life... My Spanish teacher. Now dear blog, you may be saying to yourself "oh shes just an overreacting teen, whatever!" but no joke, if the devil was a girl with a super heavy Colombian accent, it would be her. And blog, keep in mind that i NEVER feel this way about teachers! But this teacher is a flat out bully!!! She picks on kids, tells the class how "sad" or "pathetic" we are. She even went to such lengths by asking me if i did my homework hungover b/c it wasn't perfect!!! And i am NOT exaggerating this :/ but it all was an unpleasant affair and now I'm dropping the class at the end of the semester *insert hallelujah chorus here*
Im also going through the whole stereotypical high school pains of i dont really BELONG anywhere, im a drifter who flits between different groups because i dont really fit into any place.. Its really very frustrating! I thought i was over this last year.. But of course i "outgrew" my old friends so im like "just let me belong somewhere! I dont like being a loner!!!!" cuz you know, im that kid who stands in the corner because im not quite brave enough to say hi or join a conversation because im seriously afraid of being judged by other people and im shy... I dont like it! And of course with my luck ill find some group of friends im comfortable with and then itll be time to graduate! :(
I do have one friend, keely, but we havent talked a lot, she has a lot of bad stuff going on in her life so when i try to talk to her, she doesnt really open up or respond... I really miss talking with her all the time, i understand her situation and stuff but... I miss talking with one of my closest friends!
So thats me! A big ball of stress and a loner! What else is new? :P
Ahhh typing about my life is so wonderful! I really missed you my dear blog!!!!!!