So earlier today I posted that there wasn't really any drama going on in my life, gosh, I shouldn't say things like that.. it's like I jinxed the no-dramaness of my life....
It's not really any type of conflict with my friends, it's a conflict inside myself. I have this problem that I need to feel accepted, always, or at least comfortable with my surroundings. This evening I felt neither, I felt like a 3rd wheel.. I was invited to go skating with some of my good friends.. basically some of my BEST friends. all of them had dates, and of course I didn't, so basically I'm skating by myself. sometimes my friends come up behind me and poke me or something, but they get bored with me because I'm not a super fast skater OR they're more occupied with their date. Suddenly the gut wrenching feeling of "oh my gosh, I'm a 3rd wheel and I don't know anyone else here at all, what am I gonna do?!" I freak out very quickly and self-judge myself a lot so this soon became a spiral downwards of negativeness, loneliness, and I guess I just got scared because a voice inside me started saying "you're not welcome here, no one wants you here, get out you waste of space" etc. etc. etc.... I seriously thought I was just gonna go into the bathroom and cry, that would've been VERY bad because if my friends saw me I'd have to explain that I was basically acting like a 3 year old that wanted attention and didn't get her way. So I tried to suck it up and tried to have a good time skating (skating's really relaxing for me) but I just kept feeling worse and worse until I thought I was gonna toss my cookies from trying to hold in all these emotions... so I called my mom to come pick me up. some of my friends saw me taking my skates off and asked if I was leaving and not to go and when I said no they just left and kept skating (which is fine with me because I didn't want to make up anything and dig myself in a hole)
so now as I type my self-pitying words to either my faithful readers or just cyber space, I bid you all goodnight. sorry for this completely terrible post, I needed to vent very badly!
more thoughts later~
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