To a friend:

Honestly?  Sometimes I feel like you ignore my existance. Am I annoying? Am I embarassing? Am I weird?  Sometimes I just want it all to stop, I feel like Ive given so much but get nothing back. Ever. Sometimes I just dont want to care anymore. But I cant. Every once in a while you see me, or respond to me.  I realize how nice it is to talk to someone. Even though you have some terrible shit going on, you still want to know how Im doing. In a world of completely self-centered people, that means a lot to me. I try not to care, but I cant stop. So Ive learned to go it alone But these periods of silence leave me feeling abandoned. Ive never felt so lonely in my entire life. And I thought you were someone I could coumt on. I trusted you. I feel betrayed Lonely Abandoned. I try to reach out to you I thought you would umderstand what Im going through. You know what its like to feel alone I thought we were friends. I feel so mad Sad Confused. I text you once every few days To see if you want to talk To show you I still care. Have you ever started a conversation with me? Do you even care? Do I matter to you at all? Or am I annoying? Am i just a bug, buzzing around? Thats how I feel. I feel so mixed up with emotions, but most of all, Im sad Extremely sad So sad that I could break And just start to cry. Maybe this isnt about you. I dont know what its about exactly.. But maybe you were the last straw Now Im completely alone With no ones company but my own. I hate it.

I hate this..

What is "this" you might ask? Well, partially me and partially everything else. Im just tired, i wanna sleep for the rest of my life.. But i dont at the same time. I want to have friends but I crave solitude, I hate being so damn lonely but I basically hate everyone and everything. Including me. Im wrong, Im a mess, Im battered and a monster. No one sees me, no one cares. By why should they? When eeryones lives revolve around themselves and theres nothing you can do about it. Expect nothing, ever. So why should I expect anything other than the treatment I get from others now? When I myself, hate who I am. How can I expect anyone to love me if I dont?
I want to matter
I want someone to care
I want SOMEONE to see this pain that I feel
I want someone to understand
I dont want to be fixed
I just want someone there to be with me so Im not so alone
Im so alone
I want help, but I feel like people will think Im pathetic
I am
I dont want people to see me like this
In tears and breaking down
I want to be strong
But then again, ive been strong for too long
I am weak
I am hopless
Im a mess that no one will ever see
And if they do, theyll just ignore it.
They always do.
So im going to be invisible
Forever
Like always
I dont know why I expect anything different.

Updates with my life

Hello dear blogspot! I keep neglecting you so much... Sorry about that... Ive been infatuated with tumblr lately, but I felt the need to type something instead of posting pictures. So... Im a finalist in Canton Idol.. KINDA a big deal (for me at least) so thats exciting :) but other than that... Nothing really is going on. My forever alone status is still in effect.. Basically friendless and dateless for a while now (dateless for about a year and a half now) but yeah.. Im REALLY lonely. Its insane... Like, even the most unpopular and creepy kids at my school have more friends than I do... Sometimes I wonder if I actually have friends... Idk.. Its weird.. I know Ive been wallowing in my self-pity of friendlessness for months now.. But this is insane. Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.. And I want it to stop. My self confidence is SO low right now, if people remember my NAME that makes my day, its sad. Im sad... Im VERY sad, and I just don't know what to do... I dont feel like I have purpose anymore, life isn't awesome anymore. It sucks. The only person that really talks to me at school is this creepy guy who stalks me... And I REALLY don't wanna talk to him. But its like... What choice do I have? I dont have any other human interaction. And im venting again but Im sad. I know the ocassional person reads this blog but Im just here to vent, ok? Its 2 am and I want to vent to something.. But anyways. I honestly think that If I died or something happened.. No one would care. No one knows who I am so why do I matter? ( btw I am NOT stating tht I want to die, im just stating that no one would care if I did) my only friends I never get to talk to and either dont go to my school or I dont have any classes with.. They ignore my texts or are too busy to put up with me. This TOTALLY helps my self-esteem btw, it makes me feel even more like im worthless. Im weird, awkward, have NO style cuz im so poor, have ugly hair, and am invisible. I hate being invisible, but thats who I am. Im the invisible girl who will never be noticed by anyone for her entire life. Fuck it all