I hate this..

What is "this" you might ask? Well, partially me and partially everything else. Im just tired, i wanna sleep for the rest of my life.. But i dont at the same time. I want to have friends but I crave solitude, I hate being so damn lonely but I basically hate everyone and everything. Including me. Im wrong, Im a mess, Im battered and a monster. No one sees me, no one cares. By why should they? When eeryones lives revolve around themselves and theres nothing you can do about it. Expect nothing, ever. So why should I expect anything other than the treatment I get from others now? When I myself, hate who I am. How can I expect anyone to love me if I dont?
I want to matter
I want someone to care
I want SOMEONE to see this pain that I feel
I want someone to understand
I dont want to be fixed
I just want someone there to be with me so Im not so alone
Im so alone
I want help, but I feel like people will think Im pathetic
I am
I dont want people to see me like this
In tears and breaking down
I want to be strong
But then again, ive been strong for too long
I am weak
I am hopless
Im a mess that no one will ever see
And if they do, theyll just ignore it.
They always do.
So im going to be invisible
Forever
Like always
I dont know why I expect anything different.