To a friend:

Honestly?  Sometimes I feel like you ignore my existance. Am I annoying? Am I embarassing? Am I weird?  Sometimes I just want it all to stop, I feel like Ive given so much but get nothing back. Ever. Sometimes I just dont want to care anymore. But I cant. Every once in a while you see me, or respond to me.  I realize how nice it is to talk to someone. Even though you have some terrible shit going on, you still want to know how Im doing. In a world of completely self-centered people, that means a lot to me. I try not to care, but I cant stop. So Ive learned to go it alone But these periods of silence leave me feeling abandoned. Ive never felt so lonely in my entire life. And I thought you were someone I could coumt on. I trusted you. I feel betrayed Lonely Abandoned. I try to reach out to you I thought you would umderstand what Im going through. You know what its like to feel alone I thought we were friends. I feel so mad Sad Confused. I text you once every few days To see if you want to talk To show you I still care. Have you ever started a conversation with me? Do you even care? Do I matter to you at all? Or am I annoying? Am i just a bug, buzzing around? Thats how I feel. I feel so mixed up with emotions, but most of all, Im sad Extremely sad So sad that I could break And just start to cry. Maybe this isnt about you. I dont know what its about exactly.. But maybe you were the last straw Now Im completely alone With no ones company but my own. I hate it.

I hate this..

What is "this" you might ask? Well, partially me and partially everything else. Im just tired, i wanna sleep for the rest of my life.. But i dont at the same time. I want to have friends but I crave solitude, I hate being so damn lonely but I basically hate everyone and everything. Including me. Im wrong, Im a mess, Im battered and a monster. No one sees me, no one cares. By why should they? When eeryones lives revolve around themselves and theres nothing you can do about it. Expect nothing, ever. So why should I expect anything other than the treatment I get from others now? When I myself, hate who I am. How can I expect anyone to love me if I dont?
I want to matter
I want someone to care
I want SOMEONE to see this pain that I feel
I want someone to understand
I dont want to be fixed
I just want someone there to be with me so Im not so alone
Im so alone
I want help, but I feel like people will think Im pathetic
I am
I dont want people to see me like this
In tears and breaking down
I want to be strong
But then again, ive been strong for too long
I am weak
I am hopless
Im a mess that no one will ever see
And if they do, theyll just ignore it.
They always do.
So im going to be invisible
Forever
Like always
I dont know why I expect anything different.

Updates with my life

Hello dear blogspot! I keep neglecting you so much... Sorry about that... Ive been infatuated with tumblr lately, but I felt the need to type something instead of posting pictures. So... Im a finalist in Canton Idol.. KINDA a big deal (for me at least) so thats exciting :) but other than that... Nothing really is going on. My forever alone status is still in effect.. Basically friendless and dateless for a while now (dateless for about a year and a half now) but yeah.. Im REALLY lonely. Its insane... Like, even the most unpopular and creepy kids at my school have more friends than I do... Sometimes I wonder if I actually have friends... Idk.. Its weird.. I know Ive been wallowing in my self-pity of friendlessness for months now.. But this is insane. Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.. And I want it to stop. My self confidence is SO low right now, if people remember my NAME that makes my day, its sad. Im sad... Im VERY sad, and I just don't know what to do... I dont feel like I have purpose anymore, life isn't awesome anymore. It sucks. The only person that really talks to me at school is this creepy guy who stalks me... And I REALLY don't wanna talk to him. But its like... What choice do I have? I dont have any other human interaction. And im venting again but Im sad. I know the ocassional person reads this blog but Im just here to vent, ok? Its 2 am and I want to vent to something.. But anyways. I honestly think that If I died or something happened.. No one would care. No one knows who I am so why do I matter? ( btw I am NOT stating tht I want to die, im just stating that no one would care if I did) my only friends I never get to talk to and either dont go to my school or I dont have any classes with.. They ignore my texts or are too busy to put up with me. This TOTALLY helps my self-esteem btw, it makes me feel even more like im worthless. Im weird, awkward, have NO style cuz im so poor, have ugly hair, and am invisible. I hate being invisible, but thats who I am. Im the invisible girl who will never be noticed by anyone for her entire life. Fuck it all

Confused feelings

Im really very confused right now... I have the start of feelings... For a girl. Its nothing serious, just a crush but still... I like to think Im pretty damn straight. Not entirley convinced that I actually like her like that, but Im pretty damn sure. Its really confusing for me though, because Im pretty cool with gays and bis, my best friend is a lesbian. But I honestly have never really thought of being with a girl before, no one other than her. Im also not sure if its just the fact that ive been single for over a year now and im cool with dating anyone... Ugh IDK... Its just weird. And its only her... Its like Ianto and Jack from Torchwood! Ianto is only gay with Jack, no one else.
Ive gotta sleep.. And think...
But I like her, i really do. I just dont wanna ruin our friendship and whatnot and I also dont wanna lead her on and then go " oh! Lookat that! Im not really into girls!"
Again, i gotta think

Life's a bitch

Soo... I finally was able to connect with my friend that Ive been missing.. Shes not doing too well... She was in the hospital Thursday, I had no idea. The doctors arent sure whats wrong with her, but they think it mightve been a mini stroke. One of my best friends mightve had a mini stroke! Its really also kind of eye opening for me, many times Im like: "my life sucks, i hate being alive right now" but my friend has been through so much shit that it makes my life seem like flipping Disneyland!
I dunno.. Im just really worried about her because 1) shes starting to isolate herself, 2) shes seemed extremely depressed lately, and 3) I really dont wanna lose this girl, shes honestly my closest friend and if ANYTHING happened to her.... Ah, I dont even wanna go there right now. I just wish she knew how much I cared! my friendship with her is really very important to me, shes able to change my perspective of things, she really gets me, and I dont get that with other people..
Anyways, life can be a serious bitch and I wish something really good would happen to my friend, its like she cant get a break.. She doesnt deserve what life has given her.

(if anyone actually reads this: forgive me for my complete and utter loss of punctuation)

Just a thought

So, lately iv'e been thinking about some random shit, especially when im about to go to sleep... Its like every night I feel like I havent done anything worthwile that day. Its the same thing every day: wake up, try to look pretty, go to school for 8 hours, 3 hours of musical rehersal, go home, eat, then sleep. Sometimes it varies but its pretty much the same EVERY. SINGLE. DAY... and i wonder, am i really doing anything with my life? Im going to school, so i can go to school for another 4-6 years, so i can have a job, so i can follow another pointless rouine for the rest of my life..... God thats depressing... But i guess the point of life is to keep from falling into something like that, to make the most of life and to be able to go to sleep with the knowledge that you really have done something with your life.

Just some stuff..

Soo... One of my REALLY good friends dropped the only class I have with her :( and honestly, I really miss her! I haven't talked to her since then and I'm really bummed.. I didn't really know how much I enjoyed her company until she left. Yeah, I've been really lonely. I've been really worried about her too, shes been looking really sad and depressed lately, I know she's been going through some really bad stuff lately so it's understandable.. But i still worry... I've tried to contact her a few times, just to talk, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm acting "clingy" or something.. I really don't wanna be that person that's super annoying, but this friendship is really important to me! My mom says that friendships are a two way street and it's up to me how much effort I wanna put into it, but the way she made it sound is that our friendship may be deteriorated since we no longer have that class together.. I really hope not! This girl means a lot to me and I just don't this to just be done but I dont want to be annoying by putting this effort into trying to just simply talk to her :/ God, this is so damn confusing... I wish you could tell me what to do blog! I dunno what I should do about this :(