UGH! I did it again!

I TOTALLY forgot about blogging!!! I'msorryi'msorryi'mohsosorry!!!!!!!! unfortunately I haven't had anything exciting happening lately... I have a job.... oh! I've started this 5 week workout thing! (insert excited jazz hands here) I'm on week 2 now, the first week kinda kicked my butt but now its relatively easy... except the cardio workouts kick your butt.. and they can be extremely painful... yeah... soon I will be going on 7 months without a boyfriend.. I'm kinda proud of myself and kinda lonely at the same time it's like "hey! I've survived almost 7 months without a man! hear me roar!" combined with me having a hard time watching chick flicks cuz they ALWAYS LIVE FRIKKIN HAPPILY EVER AFTER....... WITH A MAN! and it's always... disappointing for me cus it's the whole "why can't I have that?" and you remind yourself it's only a movie but you still wanna have SOMETHING like that...UGH! yeah.... I'm gonna stop my ranting and move on to more important things now. unfortunately other than my guy problems I have nothing more to write about so.. ciao

Maybe Next to Normal...

so, I think I've had the most emotionally charged couple days that I've ever had in a VERY long time... I watched my friend run into the street trying to get hit by a car, I cried in her arms that night when she slept over because i was so scared for her but so thankful she was alive. I had a LOT of conversations about how families suck and shit like that, after a while I got really tired of it.. two days of just talking about other people and how THEY can feel better about themselves... I wanted to focus my energy on MYSELF...

That time came last night, my mom and I went to see Next to Normal, the musical I've been addicted to for the past year... It was.... Amazing... like, it was so amazing I dunno how to put it into words. It was the most powerful and just superb musical ever.. I guess it helps that I had an emotional connection to the musical before ever watching it. My mom cried like a baby for the first act, I cried like a baby for the second act. but it wasn't sad crying, well, at least not for me. I cried because I was thankful, I was thankful that someone had captured what my life was like.. almost perfectly.. It was like "woah, someone understands, all these people who are sobbing their eyes out all understand.. I'm not alone here!" I know I wasn't alone in my situation but the experience kind of validated my feelings and also made me think "thank you god for not letting me be in that situation anymore" It was... AMAZING.... so yeah... EVERYONE should see this musical! I love it even more since I've seen it, I have a much deeper connection with the music now... yeah... now I'm just blabbing like a dork now..

more thoughts later~

sleepy + boredom = blogging

so... I'm trying to blog more often.. let's do this thang!

Well, it's a weekend at my dad's house.. I have no phone (I lost it...) and no Dr. Who.. (terrible, I know!) so, I guess I'm dedicating my weekend to a kinda "find out who I truly am" kinda thing... I've been exploring music and stuff like that, just trying to find out who I am... I'm actually questioning my faith and I'm discovering how very hippie-like I am!.. but seriously.. It's really strange, it's like I'm basically challenging my very existence.. I'm also finding that I'm NOT going to stay in my little town once I'm done with school.. I just don't fit here, my town is full of conformists and honestly, I hate it. I'm even starting to hate the cloths, the music, and some of the people, they're all the same. Since I visited NYC last summer... it's like how I see things is totally different, I know what else is out there, ugh.. it's so hard to explain while I'm so tired.. maybe if I sleep I can do a better job writing stuff... I'll get back to you on this subject!
(PS: I'm closing in on 100 posts!!! ahaha i feel like I should celebrate or something!)

Wow!

Today was THE LAST DAY OF CLASSES! that's right, I no longer have to wake up at 5:30 to do my hair and makeup (well, not for 3 more months anyway) I no longer have to deal with drama with friends EVERY DAY! I can do whatever I damn well please!(within the legal limits/what my mom approves of) I still have 2 exams I have to take Monday, but nothing else, I'm free! I'm free!~

But today was a pretty awesome last day of school, there's a substitute teacher that kind of made my day though. In study hall this guy, Mr. Wiley (who reminds me of a leprechaun) came in and started playing the piano and it was some songs I knew, so me and a bunch of people were singing songs ALL study hall and it made me extremely happy. Ah, the little things in life :)

I'm also somewhat angry, my choir teacher said that she'd post the results of the ensemble audition after school today. And after shaking from anticipation ALL of my last period class and SPRINTING to see the results.... nothing.... no results.... someone went and asked why they didn't post them and they said "well, we're not comfortable releasing the results yet" *insert oh poor me sigh here* I'd just like to know: if you have the results, and you KNOW that a LOT of the people who auditioned are excused from exams (because we're smart) WHYYYYY wouldn't you post them on THE LAST DAY OF CLASSES?!?!?!?!?!?! now I have to wait ALL weekend, and knowing the people in charge, they won't post the results until TUESDAY! and I don't have exams Tuesday!!! *groans* oh the agony! the anticipation! you should have seen all the disappointed faces when they saw NO RESULTS.... we just kind of stood there for a while... just wishing that they might come over and post the results... ah F****.... but other than that disappointment I'm in a pretty good mood! now I just need to find something to do tomorrow because none of my friends are excused from tomorrows exams and apparently my sister doesn't have to go to school.... so I might possibly go insane from lack of entertainment, OR from my sister driving me loco! so... pray for my poor soul... please...

Catch up and finding myself

So, I have yet again neglected you my poor blog! (yet again I am REALLY sorry) I've had a pretty busy end of the school year, not quite over yet, this coming week is the last week of "School" but then we have exams.. I'm exempt from all my exams except my math and spanish exam (not sure about English yet, haven't found out results yet) so i have 4 1/2-ish days of school left (yay!!)

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4, I really liked it! you should watch it :) I have ensemble auditions coming up on Tuesday (yikes! so nervous!)I'm aiming for Hi-Lo's again, but knowing my luck I'll be in Hi-Notes, I'm fine with that, but I REALLY wanna be in Hi-Lo's they get to do SO much more stuff and... yeah!I went to the beach today, I really enjoyed it but now I have the mother of all sunburns and I HURT... it's lovely.. but I have the skin that turns my sunburns into great tans pretty darn fast.. hopefully my burn is gone by tuesday.

I think the most exciting thing that happened to me was I found myself, you know those movies when the main character has to go through a whole bunch of drama or some totally unrealistic scenario and at the end they say "I finally realized that all I have to be is myself to be truly happy" or something along those lines? yeah, and they just end up being just like everyone else or whatever. well, fortunately I didn't have to have any crazy drama or impossible scenario to find who I was, I just was watching videos of a singer I liked, it just clicked, totally "AH HA!" moment. the clothing, the music, the mindset, it totally fit my personality, it totally fit ME! Truthfully when it all set in I started freaking out with happiness, I actually ran to my mom and almost screamed "MOM! I'm an Indie type of person!! I'm so happy!!!" she just looked at me and said "yeah, I knew that, you're totally Indie, I'm into Indie stuff to!" we started listening to indie music together and I was just in a state of bliss, I still am! So, my description of this epiphany is REALLY bad... but it was REALLY life changing for me, since middle school I've been going through the whole "who the hell am I?" phase and NOTHING would ever fit, this did, I'm in extreme happy mode and I just wanted to share my happiness with you!

More thoughts later~

a thousand pardons....

I tend to have this REALLY bad habit of going weeks without blogging, it's not that I have anything better to do, or that I don't have computer access.. I just don't blog. So, I'm sorry, I just really need to blog more, it makes me feel a lot better when I go on long writing rants.

So, I dunno if anyone really reads this, not that I really care, I enjoy blogging and even if I have a bazillion readers or none at all I still am gonna write. But I've realized that I REALLY crave educated, philosophical conversations. Unfortunately my group of friends are not one for any sort of educated conversation, it makes me sad... That's why I'm so excited for college 'cuz then I'll be much more likely to find friends with the same interests and smartness... I'm not saying my friends are smart, they are.. But I always feel like I'm better than them and I feel terrible for it, I don't like feeling better than people, I like there being others that are better than me. I'm also not saying there aren't people better than me, I just don't have the ability to talk to them. The most educated conversations I've had are with my teachers, but I never get to get REALLY good conversations with them. That's the one thing I miss about Fieldcrest (my old school) in 7th grade, there were a LOT of philosophical conversations that I had there. I remember one day we had an overnight at the school and I talked with some teachers and some of my friends until 3 am about.. everything, life death, hidden meanings, some stuff like that. I really do miss that. I think my friends have the ability to talk like that but they don't wanna open up about that kind of thing or they just don't care. I want to meet someone who cares, who's willing to talk about the "what ifs" or the "maybes", someone willing to talk about the big picture in life and isn't focused on their stupid high school drama that's happening that moment.

I strongly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. when I say something like that my friends either nod their heads or give me a blank stare. Do they even know what I'm talking about? Is it possible that this drama of So-and-so breaking up with me has PURPOSE other than ruining my life? I really do love my friends, don't get me wrong. But it's so frustrating when you can't converse in the way you think, you have to dumb it down, or the type of music you listen to your friends think is garbage, or when you sing they tell you to shut up because they think the song you're singing is stupid. I never thought I'd have friends like this. I thought I'd be a theater geek surrounded by other theater geeks, singing on the bus and conversing about the tragic storyline of "West Side Story" or where we'd audition next. Instead I have friends who only go to my performances because I'm in them or I beg them to come.

Sometimes I just feel so alone, I just want to be friends with someone who is similar to me, not the exact opposite...

More thoughts later

terrible weekends, jobs, and vloging

I found out that two weekends in a row at my dads house = a mental breakdown on my part. this was NOT a good weekend for me... at ALL.. it involved lots of tears and temporary loss of sanity..yeah.. it was bad. So because my mom is the awesome person that she is, she let me have a mental health day so I wouldn't lose my flipping mind. I needed it, like, REALLY needed it! That mental health day helped me screw my head back on and made me feel like I can totally tackle the rest of the school year w/o getting sick or losing my mind again :).... wait... that didn't sound good.. for me, that's good! but anyways, today is my first day of work, I'm working at a greenhouse, I'll be working as a cashier and all that fun stuff... but I'll be getting paid so that's what matters~ also, I'm thinking of starting vloging,I have a video camera that I never use, I also have a whole lot of time that I never use so I could spend my time doing that! but yeah, I'll start vloging soon (hopefully)
more thoughts later~