Life's a bitch

Soo... I finally was able to connect with my friend that Ive been missing.. Shes not doing too well... She was in the hospital Thursday, I had no idea. The doctors arent sure whats wrong with her, but they think it mightve been a mini stroke. One of my best friends mightve had a mini stroke! Its really also kind of eye opening for me, many times Im like: "my life sucks, i hate being alive right now" but my friend has been through so much shit that it makes my life seem like flipping Disneyland!
I dunno.. Im just really worried about her because 1) shes starting to isolate herself, 2) shes seemed extremely depressed lately, and 3) I really dont wanna lose this girl, shes honestly my closest friend and if ANYTHING happened to her.... Ah, I dont even wanna go there right now. I just wish she knew how much I cared! my friendship with her is really very important to me, shes able to change my perspective of things, she really gets me, and I dont get that with other people..
Anyways, life can be a serious bitch and I wish something really good would happen to my friend, its like she cant get a break.. She doesnt deserve what life has given her.

(if anyone actually reads this: forgive me for my complete and utter loss of punctuation)

Just a thought

So, lately iv'e been thinking about some random shit, especially when im about to go to sleep... Its like every night I feel like I havent done anything worthwile that day. Its the same thing every day: wake up, try to look pretty, go to school for 8 hours, 3 hours of musical rehersal, go home, eat, then sleep. Sometimes it varies but its pretty much the same EVERY. SINGLE. DAY... and i wonder, am i really doing anything with my life? Im going to school, so i can go to school for another 4-6 years, so i can have a job, so i can follow another pointless rouine for the rest of my life..... God thats depressing... But i guess the point of life is to keep from falling into something like that, to make the most of life and to be able to go to sleep with the knowledge that you really have done something with your life.

Just some stuff..

Soo... One of my REALLY good friends dropped the only class I have with her :( and honestly, I really miss her! I haven't talked to her since then and I'm really bummed.. I didn't really know how much I enjoyed her company until she left. Yeah, I've been really lonely. I've been really worried about her too, shes been looking really sad and depressed lately, I know she's been going through some really bad stuff lately so it's understandable.. But i still worry... I've tried to contact her a few times, just to talk, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm acting "clingy" or something.. I really don't wanna be that person that's super annoying, but this friendship is really important to me! My mom says that friendships are a two way street and it's up to me how much effort I wanna put into it, but the way she made it sound is that our friendship may be deteriorated since we no longer have that class together.. I really hope not! This girl means a lot to me and I just don't this to just be done but I dont want to be annoying by putting this effort into trying to just simply talk to her :/ God, this is so damn confusing... I wish you could tell me what to do blog! I dunno what I should do about this :(

Some updates

Hello lovely world of blogspot! long time no see (again)
so since I last posted, I spent my whole winter break playing video games and chilling out, I'm getting a LOT better, my mom has been awesome and I have a eating plan and stuff. I've been so insanely busy and haven't had much time to myself.. but I have such awesome news!!! I dropped spanish today!!!!! I'm SO happy :D its like a weight off my shoulders. But I'm still gonna be as busy as ever, I'm in the musical and it's INTENSE! I'm here after school almost every day until 6 for rehearsal. I'm an Indian and I'm in the "advanced dance group" It's a lot of hard work, especially since I'm not the best dancer :/ but it's really cool! Dominic, our dance instructor, pushes us to the limit and has really good ideas... he also enjoys making us do push-ups and crazy insane workouts (for high schoolers) but hey! If I go to winter formal I'm gonna look GOOD :)
well, this class period is gonna end soon,
ciao!

I have a secret

Soo... Im pretty damn glad no one reads this cuz things are about to get personal (when i mean personal, i mean im gonna talk about myself.. But i do that a lot here)
Anyways, i might seem really self-centered on this blog.. I talk about me and my problems a LOT.. but its cuz i rarely get to do that in real life, since i havent been able to talk to my best friend lately the only other person im okay talking about this is with my mom. Weird i know, but shes pretty awesome with like... Everything.. But theres a pretty big difference about talking about your problems to your mom than with a friend.. I totally love this blog cuz i can write so much in it and i know that my blog wont juge me, or tell me im wrong, or try to fix me.. Which is what a lot of people do. And a lot of the time, if i tell my friends something personal, i feel like a cranky bitch because most of the time they just stop me and just tell me how terrible their lives are.. It sucks.
But ive been stalling and stuff so ill just say it.. I think i have the beginning of an eating disorder... Im not full blown yet.. So its good that ive identified it but still.. When you're someone like me who is used to being the savior of other people, who thinks that their isnt anything MAJORLY wrong with them... Its just... Wow...
This came to my attention when we did a food diary for one of my biomed classes... I eat only around half the calories i should every day.. Sometimes less! When i was filling it out every day i was always like "i HAVE to have eaten more than this! There is no way i eat this little" and its not like i force myself NOT to eat, i dont think im fat, i just forget. Ill be doing something and just the thought of eating seems less important than what im doing at the moment, before i know it, ive missed a meal. Its so scary because ive been sleeping more and more and having less energy... I just want to talk to someone, i really am freaked out and i just want to vent my feelings to someone and just have them listen. I dont want them to fix me, i dont want them to freak out, i just want them to understand, i want them to tell me itll be ok... I just want to be supported by someone other than my mom. To a lot of people i know, this is nothing. I dont cut myself, i dont do drugs or drink, im not abused every day, and not currently suffering from any disease. But this is scary for ME. What if it gets worse? What if i have to be sent to one of those places that they force feed you and give you medicine every day? I dont want to be this way, having to FORCE myself to eat every day, eating a full meal is HARD for me, its not supposed to be that way.
Even though i have support from my mom, who reminds me to eat every day and makes sure i eat it all. I feel so lonely, im like a scared little kid, and i just dont know what to do.
Im surrounded by so many people who care about me, who think they know me.. But they dont.. They never have seen me cry, theyve never seen me as anyone but "happy kayla" and its like the world is over if im not happy.
Im sorry, im venting too much, that is good for another blog... The point is. Im ill, and im scared and lonely. I hate this!

Oh dear me...

Soo... Its a free period and i was able to get internet access from the choir room! Hopefully my ipod doesnt crash on me :P anyways, im bored and tired and dont really want to be here! Its the last day of "classes" before exams and winter break so of course all we have to do is socialize and do nothing. Not REALLY trying to complain but it does make the day pretty long since i havent really had to use my brain at all... AND keep in mind i dont really have anyone to socialize WITH... Yeah, life is rough... But hopefully when the musical starts ill become better friends with the people i WANT to hang out with!!!
Well, class is almost over~

Getting ready for exams

So, exam week is next week.. And i guess our teachers just went "oh shit! I havent given them this test or homework!! I guess ill give it to them now!" during one of the busiest weeks i have!!!! Ive gotten so many freaking exam packets that take hours and two midterm projects that are famous for taking days to complete... And btw, its only wednesday! Why is it that the week before a holiday is like.. The longest week EVER! Grrr... And not really having someone (keely) to talk to or hang out with makes this week just... Blah... Im sorry for venting so much to you blog, this week has just been so stressful and im back in my lonely phase, so basically... Im not a happy camper!!! I miss having friends Nd some form of a life :'(