Back to School

so, school started, I don't really have any complaints about it, just my locker's in the old part of the school so I am NEVER around it... but it won't be THAT bad :) all my teachers are AWESOME and I have a lot of classes with my friends!!! which makes me totally happy! In choir I'm a second soprano... again... but I can hit alto one and soprano one xD its crazy.... I found out in my ensemble (AKA choir you have to audition for) I have to be at my school at 6:30 in the morning on Mondays and Thursdays! yay... xP

the drama around me is quieting down... I'm not officially on a search for a boyfriend! hopefully I'll have one by September 26th (Homecoming) so I have a date :P doubt it'll happen though!

I kinda missed having something to do 5 days a week for 8 hrs a day.... I just wish we didn't have to wake up so early.... can't we have it like... 3 hours later? at least?

but who DOESN'T miss all the forced learning and rules and stuff??? -insert extreme sarcasm here- I know I DIDN'T! it was like once I finally was like "yeah! this summer is awesome! my friends are back and I can hang with them like, every day.." school started! -insert VERY sad face here-

so, I had and English project that wasn't due until Thursday... today's Friday.... I spent 3 hours doing the project... but it's done!!! and looks kick ass! and... I BETTER GET AN "A" BECAUSE THATS 3 HOURS I'LL NEVER GET BACK!!!!! -gasps for air- I'm used to putting stuff off until the last minute so this is a change for me O.o

but what REALLY sucks is I have a CRAZY early bedtime during the school week... I have to be in bed by 8.... or I get in trouble.... all I have to say is "hell, I'm not goin to bed at 8! I'm goin to bed whenever the hell I want!" but I get my mom's point that the kids will stay up if I'm awake... so... yeah....

more thoughts later

Fairy tales

I live in a fairy tail... and in it I always think I'm the pretty heroin Disney princess who gets whatever the hell she wants :/ damn was I wrong... what I THOUGHT was gonna be a perfect ending (A.K.A getting her prince from the evil spell of a nasty witch kinda thing)I was the friggen bad guy... I was the evil witch trying to steal "her" prince from the unfortunate princess.. but the prince saw what a horrible witch I was and went back to the beautiful princess because... honestly... who would fall in love with a witch?... so basically Dorothy threw water at the witch and the wicked witch melted.. the day is saved and the witch would soon be a forgotten memory... but REALLY... how could a friggen bucket of water in the face kill ME? I AM the friggen wicked witch after all... but honestly... I'm not all that bad... and decided to lay low so everyone THOUGHT I was dead.. but I'm very much alive... but all I can do is watch... I just watch and let my heart break over and over and over and cry my silent tears as the prince and princess happily skip into the sunset... and all I can think is... "that COULD'VE been me... but its not and probably never will be..." the prince loves the princess in a way I could've never been loved if he was with me, the witch. they've gone where I could never go, they've done things I could never do... not in my wildest dreams... and all I can do is cry my silent tears while I watch the prince be happy, I'll probably cry until I have no more tears to cry... and I can just hope the prince sees me.. or another one comes along and saves me from my daily anguish of being the wicked witch, loathed by the princess who knows I'm not really dead. But doesn't know my powers are gone, I can no longer touch her prince. She'll protect him from me, but what's there to protect him from? what's the point? the prince has totally forgotten me, no matter what I do he only has eyes for the princess....

honestly... who would love a witch??

more thoughts later

I seem to be a curse and be cursed all at the same time... I curse people (not on purpose)to like me and then cause as bunch of drama (also not on purpose) just by thinking out loud (aka telling the world how I feel) I curse people into guilt and to do stuff that they eventually regret just because I'm around them... I am cursed with falling crazy in love with people who are totally messed up and who also have girlfriends and which equals a recipe for disaster... I am cursed to be a person who doesn't quite fit in anywhere and can't identify with anyone because I've neither lived a horrible life OR a perfect life. I am cursed to have no money and no job and to be totally average. I am cursed with average looks so people don't turn their heads away when I come by neither stare... I'm just there... I am cursed with a lack of social skills and boyfriend, and probably will be boyfriendless for a LONG time..

curses are not fun, some things are left to be unsaid... yet I speak my mind and regret it horribly in the end.. some actions should not be expressed yet my lack of self control makes me do crazy stupid stuff which I ALSO regret in the long run...

but my worse curse is I'm totally in love with someone.. I won't say who... but there's a possibility it's impossible... even after he kissed me and said he liked me he just goes and tells me we shouldn't hang out alone anymore... it confused me SO much... and I really wanted to cry.... but I couldn't.. I didn't want my sadness to get the better of me... not again.. I'm SO stubborn with him too.. he says it might not work with us.. I say BS how does he know? so I'm waiting for him.. I might seem WAY to over confident about this.. but I've never wanted something so bad before... not EVER.. I LOVE this guy.. yes I said LOVE and I will for a long time.. I KNOW he likes me, he TOLD me! yeah, I know guys lie.. don't give me that talk but I want this.. I REALLY want this... I don't care what people say, I don't care if people are against me liking him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if he tells me that it would be best if I didn't wait for him. I will wait for him until I find SOMEONE who's better than him...

but I've NEVER met anyone even CLOSE to being better than him. he makes me laugh SO much, he knows where I'm ticklish he has amazing eyes and us the biggest dumbasses I've ever met. he's fun loving, caring, sweet, kind, stupid, smart, really hot, strong, but soft, easily confused, able to annoy you after acting like a broken record for 10 minutes but just to get a kiss from you, loveable, amazing... I could go on and on... but it just makes me sadder and sadder and wondering if I should give up hope or not... I can't help but love him.. honestly... I've TRIED hating him.. but it just made me like him more in the end...

god... I feel like I'm blabbing on and on and on and I just wanna lay down and cry... why the hello kitty does he have to make me have a tug of war inside my head??? WHY?!?!?!?!? a NORMAL girl would see that it's no use and would give up... but I'm not normal... not in the slightest.. ]

and you.. the guy I'm head over heels for.. if you're reading this... I love you... more than you could ever imagine... I was stupid in the past.. REALLY stupid... I should be noted as the stupidest person in the history of the universe! and I'm begging, I'm CRYING and begging.. if you saw me I'd be on my knees... just reconsider... I know how much you like your girl.. she's gone on a path I could prolly never walk on... but just think of all that I've said.. think about recently... just think... please... I love you... a lot... I've NEVER been so nuts over a guy before! heck, I'm putting this on my public blog!!! if I REALLY will NEVER have a chance just tell me... please... I don't wanna be fretting over this if I have absolutely no chance with you... again... I love you SO much......

this is me... this is Kayla, new and old, MK, Michaela, Kitty, whatever you call me... this is me.. pouring my heart out... I just want you to accept it...

more thoughts later

I don't have to cut myself....

... because my sister can do it for me! well... not CUT.... more like.... physically abuse me until I start bleeding.. I have scratches ALL over my left arm.. I'm not bleeding TOO badly but it still stings... a lot... and sadly.. I'm used to it! I don't scream or cry anymore when she does it.. I giggle and just tell her: "haha keep on making me bleed.. go ahead, I'll just take pictures for police evidence!" and she screams and scratches me more and it stings but I just kinda keep laughing because either way I win and she says "I'm gonna kill you someday kayla" I just laugh again and say "go ahead, everyone will know that it's you who did it and you'll go to jail, so it all works out in the end" I prolly shouldn't say the last part because by that time her nails/ teeth are deep in my skin and it makes me wince in pain from how much it hurts... acting kinda helps me mask pain so she rarely ever sees me in pain anymore and it pisses her off even more and she hurts me more often... and it kinda sucks because this always happens when mom's not home and I don't have access to the phone so I just have to bear with it...

I guess this was a venting post... I dunno tho.... I should prolly put some band-aids on my scratches before they get infected :P

more thoughts later

Secrets

Secrets, they're meant to be found out sooner or later.. no matter how hard you try SOMEONE will find out.. I found out a secret.. and it sucked! I'm a kinda nosy person and I found out someone's (not telling who) secret.. it was BAD.. like... REALLY bad.. and it ruined my image of them and I was depressed the rest of the day.. and really pissed... so now I REALLY wanna go home and I can't... I kinda wanna cry.. but I can't because everyone will ask what's wrong. and I've told my close friends about this but I don't wanna tell anyone else unless it's absolutely necessary..

I've been using a lot of "..." today xD

but I'm just mad and confused and sad and I just dunno if I wanna trust this person anymore... it sucks....

more thoughts later

I feel like a slut... A horrible lying bad mean slut! I'm not really gonna say WHY but the people involved with the whole thing would understand why :/ UGH! I dunno what to do!!!! and yes, I'm still a virgin, so don't get any ideas! xD

for the longest time I would NOT talk to my ex, I HATED him.. but i had NO reason to.. I really think it's a whole pride thing, even though I broke up with him my pride was still hurt. Everyone kept asking me why I broke up with him was.. and I dunno! I DIDN'T have a reason... at ALL! so I made up a bunch of stuff about him so I would just be left alone and I guess I started to believe the stuff that I said about him and ended up hating him myself... I was a total bitch. after a while hating him was a chore.. if you know me irl you'd know how hard it is for me to hate people.. unless it's my sister of course... I kinda thought about it and I had NO reason to hate him.. he didn't do anything to me and I'm the one who broke up with him... I just am feeling really bad for hating him over NOTHING!

anyways, we went to the park together yesterday, and I had all these flashbacks from when I dated him and I was like WTF??? but... yeah...

more thoughts later~!

I've been thinking (my friends who DO read this will probably be thinking right now "oh dear god what's she thinking about NOW?") I've been thinking about LOTS of stuff, school's coming faster than I thought it would, I'm seeing old friends and meeting new people, I've sung songs done auditions and all that shiz but in all this confused array of total spazzy randomness I just am gonna start typing and hope a good blog comes out of this

if I asked a friend who I was they'd prolly say "well, you're Kayla, happy all the time, someone who cheers you up when your sad, who laughs too much and never cries. Someone who never breaks the rules and is a flat out goody two shoes.." and so on and so forth. but is that REALLY who I am? Am I REALLY the happy all the time girl who everyone either loves or hates?

I tend to live in a fantasy where everything's shiny and happy and nothing's ever wrong. If you know my friends you'd think that's the LAST thing I'd think of xD I stay with the more "different" crowd, I absolutely love them but at the same time their way of life scares me a bit. I'm seriously the ONLY person in my group of friends that has never cut them self or stolen anything. again I ADORE these people, I guess I see them in a different light than most people do...

I AM happy a lot of the time, but not as much as people think.. it's called "ACTING" people, just because I SEEM happy doesn't mean I AM. I think I act happy a lot is because people want me to be happy and freak out when I'm not, when I'm NOT totally happy I hear "Cheer up!" "don't be sad" "you can't be sad" "what's wrong" "you're never sad, I'm worried" ..stuff like that and I guess I don't want people to worry about me and it kinda gets annoying :/ when I hear that I wanna say "YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M SAD GOD FORBID I HAVE OTHER FEELINGS THAN HAPPY! I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET!" and just be done with it and cry my eyes out if I have to..

yeah... more thoughts later...

I cried

(this happened last night by the way)
I cried for the first time in forever! I've been having guy problems, and I actually cried over him... I've NEVER cried over a guy before... so it was confusing... I didn't just cry, I bawled like full blown sobbing until I couldn't breath... I got so much support from all my friends, I dunno what I'd do without them!! just throwing that out there xD

Actions...

Every action you have has an equal and opposite reaction, weather it's good or bad SOMETHING will happen. I've done stuff and karma always gets me, no matter what it'll always come back to me sooner or later...

so I had a friend.. and he did something, sure it wasn't as bad as everyone else but it was something we weren't used to him doing and we made a huge deal about it, he got upset because he wasn't used to everyone caring so much or something along those lines...

some people might have a similar problem "why does everyone care so much? no one's cared before!" I'm pretty sure it means you're loved, and whoever's making a big deal about it isn't trying to be annoying.. they're just concerned. I know I was, like REALLY worried.. and who knows? maybe talking about your problem will help you feel better or whatever :)

haha just randomly was throwing this topic out there

damn you feelings!

have you ever had conflicting feelings about something that's REALLY important to you? I'm having that right now... and it sucks! it feels like my mind's playing tug-of-war with me, but no one's winning... so all that'll be accomplished will be me having a horrible headache afterwords. I've tried music , I sing, I draw, but this problem won't get out of my head! so I'm trying writing :P I did something I shouldn't have done and it got me into a mess, it's not QUITE a mess yet but it will be soon enough.. it's my fault no matter how much I, or anyone else involved denies it. But the one to get me out of the mess can't be me, it has to be my friend, it's not fair to him, and he has to make a tough decision because of my mistake. I hate how my one mistake (I don't wanna say it's a mistake, but it kinda is :/) caused so much confusion, just because of my conflicting feelings on something. it's like one part of my mind was screaming "NO! YOU KNOW THAT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN LATER ON! DON'T DO IT!!!" and the other one was urging me on, saying "you never take chances, do something exciting! you never do anything out of your comfort zone. just try it!" no, it's not drugs, I'd be able to fix that by myself xD and if I'm susceptible to catnip (which I am... lame ,right?) I'd be in even BIGGER trouble xD

ANYWAYS I'm totally freaking out about this... and just needed to kinda vent my feelings( this is REALLY turning into a vent blog xD)

thanks for reading :D