I seem to be a curse and be cursed all at the same time... I curse people (not on purpose)to like me and then cause as bunch of drama (also not on purpose) just by thinking out loud (aka telling the world how I feel) I curse people into guilt and to do stuff that they eventually regret just because I'm around them... I am cursed with falling crazy in love with people who are totally messed up and who also have girlfriends and which equals a recipe for disaster... I am cursed to be a person who doesn't quite fit in anywhere and can't identify with anyone because I've neither lived a horrible life OR a perfect life. I am cursed to have no money and no job and to be totally average. I am cursed with average looks so people don't turn their heads away when I come by neither stare... I'm just there... I am cursed with a lack of social skills and boyfriend, and probably will be boyfriendless for a LONG time..

curses are not fun, some things are left to be unsaid... yet I speak my mind and regret it horribly in the end.. some actions should not be expressed yet my lack of self control makes me do crazy stupid stuff which I ALSO regret in the long run...

but my worse curse is I'm totally in love with someone.. I won't say who... but there's a possibility it's impossible... even after he kissed me and said he liked me he just goes and tells me we shouldn't hang out alone anymore... it confused me SO much... and I really wanted to cry.... but I couldn't.. I didn't want my sadness to get the better of me... not again.. I'm SO stubborn with him too.. he says it might not work with us.. I say BS how does he know? so I'm waiting for him.. I might seem WAY to over confident about this.. but I've never wanted something so bad before... not EVER.. I LOVE this guy.. yes I said LOVE and I will for a long time.. I KNOW he likes me, he TOLD me! yeah, I know guys lie.. don't give me that talk but I want this.. I REALLY want this... I don't care what people say, I don't care if people are against me liking him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if he tells me that it would be best if I didn't wait for him. I will wait for him until I find SOMEONE who's better than him...

but I've NEVER met anyone even CLOSE to being better than him. he makes me laugh SO much, he knows where I'm ticklish he has amazing eyes and us the biggest dumbasses I've ever met. he's fun loving, caring, sweet, kind, stupid, smart, really hot, strong, but soft, easily confused, able to annoy you after acting like a broken record for 10 minutes but just to get a kiss from you, loveable, amazing... I could go on and on... but it just makes me sadder and sadder and wondering if I should give up hope or not... I can't help but love him.. honestly... I've TRIED hating him.. but it just made me like him more in the end...

god... I feel like I'm blabbing on and on and on and I just wanna lay down and cry... why the hello kitty does he have to make me have a tug of war inside my head??? WHY?!?!?!?!? a NORMAL girl would see that it's no use and would give up... but I'm not normal... not in the slightest.. ]

and you.. the guy I'm head over heels for.. if you're reading this... I love you... more than you could ever imagine... I was stupid in the past.. REALLY stupid... I should be noted as the stupidest person in the history of the universe! and I'm begging, I'm CRYING and begging.. if you saw me I'd be on my knees... just reconsider... I know how much you like your girl.. she's gone on a path I could prolly never walk on... but just think of all that I've said.. think about recently... just think... please... I love you... a lot... I've NEVER been so nuts over a guy before! heck, I'm putting this on my public blog!!! if I REALLY will NEVER have a chance just tell me... please... I don't wanna be fretting over this if I have absolutely no chance with you... again... I love you SO much......

this is me... this is Kayla, new and old, MK, Michaela, Kitty, whatever you call me... this is me.. pouring my heart out... I just want you to accept it...

more thoughts later