I've been thinking (my friends who DO read this will probably be thinking right now "oh dear god what's she thinking about NOW?") I've been thinking about LOTS of stuff, school's coming faster than I thought it would, I'm seeing old friends and meeting new people, I've sung songs done auditions and all that shiz but in all this confused array of total spazzy randomness I just am gonna start typing and hope a good blog comes out of this

if I asked a friend who I was they'd prolly say "well, you're Kayla, happy all the time, someone who cheers you up when your sad, who laughs too much and never cries. Someone who never breaks the rules and is a flat out goody two shoes.." and so on and so forth. but is that REALLY who I am? Am I REALLY the happy all the time girl who everyone either loves or hates?

I tend to live in a fantasy where everything's shiny and happy and nothing's ever wrong. If you know my friends you'd think that's the LAST thing I'd think of xD I stay with the more "different" crowd, I absolutely love them but at the same time their way of life scares me a bit. I'm seriously the ONLY person in my group of friends that has never cut them self or stolen anything. again I ADORE these people, I guess I see them in a different light than most people do...

I AM happy a lot of the time, but not as much as people think.. it's called "ACTING" people, just because I SEEM happy doesn't mean I AM. I think I act happy a lot is because people want me to be happy and freak out when I'm not, when I'm NOT totally happy I hear "Cheer up!" "don't be sad" "you can't be sad" "what's wrong" "you're never sad, I'm worried" ..stuff like that and I guess I don't want people to worry about me and it kinda gets annoying :/ when I hear that I wanna say "YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M SAD GOD FORBID I HAVE OTHER FEELINGS THAN HAPPY! I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET!" and just be done with it and cry my eyes out if I have to..

yeah... more thoughts later...