I don't have to cut myself....

... because my sister can do it for me! well... not CUT.... more like.... physically abuse me until I start bleeding.. I have scratches ALL over my left arm.. I'm not bleeding TOO badly but it still stings... a lot... and sadly.. I'm used to it! I don't scream or cry anymore when she does it.. I giggle and just tell her: "haha keep on making me bleed.. go ahead, I'll just take pictures for police evidence!" and she screams and scratches me more and it stings but I just kinda keep laughing because either way I win and she says "I'm gonna kill you someday kayla" I just laugh again and say "go ahead, everyone will know that it's you who did it and you'll go to jail, so it all works out in the end" I prolly shouldn't say the last part because by that time her nails/ teeth are deep in my skin and it makes me wince in pain from how much it hurts... acting kinda helps me mask pain so she rarely ever sees me in pain anymore and it pisses her off even more and she hurts me more often... and it kinda sucks because this always happens when mom's not home and I don't have access to the phone so I just have to bear with it...

I guess this was a venting post... I dunno tho.... I should prolly put some band-aids on my scratches before they get infected :P

more thoughts later

Secrets

Secrets, they're meant to be found out sooner or later.. no matter how hard you try SOMEONE will find out.. I found out a secret.. and it sucked! I'm a kinda nosy person and I found out someone's (not telling who) secret.. it was BAD.. like... REALLY bad.. and it ruined my image of them and I was depressed the rest of the day.. and really pissed... so now I REALLY wanna go home and I can't... I kinda wanna cry.. but I can't because everyone will ask what's wrong. and I've told my close friends about this but I don't wanna tell anyone else unless it's absolutely necessary..

I've been using a lot of "..." today xD

but I'm just mad and confused and sad and I just dunno if I wanna trust this person anymore... it sucks....

more thoughts later

I feel like a slut... A horrible lying bad mean slut! I'm not really gonna say WHY but the people involved with the whole thing would understand why :/ UGH! I dunno what to do!!!! and yes, I'm still a virgin, so don't get any ideas! xD

for the longest time I would NOT talk to my ex, I HATED him.. but i had NO reason to.. I really think it's a whole pride thing, even though I broke up with him my pride was still hurt. Everyone kept asking me why I broke up with him was.. and I dunno! I DIDN'T have a reason... at ALL! so I made up a bunch of stuff about him so I would just be left alone and I guess I started to believe the stuff that I said about him and ended up hating him myself... I was a total bitch. after a while hating him was a chore.. if you know me irl you'd know how hard it is for me to hate people.. unless it's my sister of course... I kinda thought about it and I had NO reason to hate him.. he didn't do anything to me and I'm the one who broke up with him... I just am feeling really bad for hating him over NOTHING!

anyways, we went to the park together yesterday, and I had all these flashbacks from when I dated him and I was like WTF??? but... yeah...

more thoughts later~!

I've been thinking (my friends who DO read this will probably be thinking right now "oh dear god what's she thinking about NOW?") I've been thinking about LOTS of stuff, school's coming faster than I thought it would, I'm seeing old friends and meeting new people, I've sung songs done auditions and all that shiz but in all this confused array of total spazzy randomness I just am gonna start typing and hope a good blog comes out of this

if I asked a friend who I was they'd prolly say "well, you're Kayla, happy all the time, someone who cheers you up when your sad, who laughs too much and never cries. Someone who never breaks the rules and is a flat out goody two shoes.." and so on and so forth. but is that REALLY who I am? Am I REALLY the happy all the time girl who everyone either loves or hates?

I tend to live in a fantasy where everything's shiny and happy and nothing's ever wrong. If you know my friends you'd think that's the LAST thing I'd think of xD I stay with the more "different" crowd, I absolutely love them but at the same time their way of life scares me a bit. I'm seriously the ONLY person in my group of friends that has never cut them self or stolen anything. again I ADORE these people, I guess I see them in a different light than most people do...

I AM happy a lot of the time, but not as much as people think.. it's called "ACTING" people, just because I SEEM happy doesn't mean I AM. I think I act happy a lot is because people want me to be happy and freak out when I'm not, when I'm NOT totally happy I hear "Cheer up!" "don't be sad" "you can't be sad" "what's wrong" "you're never sad, I'm worried" ..stuff like that and I guess I don't want people to worry about me and it kinda gets annoying :/ when I hear that I wanna say "YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M SAD GOD FORBID I HAVE OTHER FEELINGS THAN HAPPY! I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET!" and just be done with it and cry my eyes out if I have to..

yeah... more thoughts later...

I cried

(this happened last night by the way)
I cried for the first time in forever! I've been having guy problems, and I actually cried over him... I've NEVER cried over a guy before... so it was confusing... I didn't just cry, I bawled like full blown sobbing until I couldn't breath... I got so much support from all my friends, I dunno what I'd do without them!! just throwing that out there xD

Actions...

Every action you have has an equal and opposite reaction, weather it's good or bad SOMETHING will happen. I've done stuff and karma always gets me, no matter what it'll always come back to me sooner or later...

so I had a friend.. and he did something, sure it wasn't as bad as everyone else but it was something we weren't used to him doing and we made a huge deal about it, he got upset because he wasn't used to everyone caring so much or something along those lines...

some people might have a similar problem "why does everyone care so much? no one's cared before!" I'm pretty sure it means you're loved, and whoever's making a big deal about it isn't trying to be annoying.. they're just concerned. I know I was, like REALLY worried.. and who knows? maybe talking about your problem will help you feel better or whatever :)

haha just randomly was throwing this topic out there

damn you feelings!

have you ever had conflicting feelings about something that's REALLY important to you? I'm having that right now... and it sucks! it feels like my mind's playing tug-of-war with me, but no one's winning... so all that'll be accomplished will be me having a horrible headache afterwords. I've tried music , I sing, I draw, but this problem won't get out of my head! so I'm trying writing :P I did something I shouldn't have done and it got me into a mess, it's not QUITE a mess yet but it will be soon enough.. it's my fault no matter how much I, or anyone else involved denies it. But the one to get me out of the mess can't be me, it has to be my friend, it's not fair to him, and he has to make a tough decision because of my mistake. I hate how my one mistake (I don't wanna say it's a mistake, but it kinda is :/) caused so much confusion, just because of my conflicting feelings on something. it's like one part of my mind was screaming "NO! YOU KNOW THAT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN LATER ON! DON'T DO IT!!!" and the other one was urging me on, saying "you never take chances, do something exciting! you never do anything out of your comfort zone. just try it!" no, it's not drugs, I'd be able to fix that by myself xD and if I'm susceptible to catnip (which I am... lame ,right?) I'd be in even BIGGER trouble xD

ANYWAYS I'm totally freaking out about this... and just needed to kinda vent my feelings( this is REALLY turning into a vent blog xD)

thanks for reading :D