So earlier today I posted that there wasn't really any drama going on in my life, gosh, I shouldn't say things like that.. it's like I jinxed the no-dramaness of my life....
It's not really any type of conflict with my friends, it's a conflict inside myself. I have this problem that I need to feel accepted, always, or at least comfortable with my surroundings. This evening I felt neither, I felt like a 3rd wheel.. I was invited to go skating with some of my good friends.. basically some of my BEST friends. all of them had dates, and of course I didn't, so basically I'm skating by myself. sometimes my friends come up behind me and poke me or something, but they get bored with me because I'm not a super fast skater OR they're more occupied with their date. Suddenly the gut wrenching feeling of "oh my gosh, I'm a 3rd wheel and I don't know anyone else here at all, what am I gonna do?!" I freak out very quickly and self-judge myself a lot so this soon became a spiral downwards of negativeness, loneliness, and I guess I just got scared because a voice inside me started saying "you're not welcome here, no one wants you here, get out you waste of space" etc. etc. etc.... I seriously thought I was just gonna go into the bathroom and cry, that would've been VERY bad because if my friends saw me I'd have to explain that I was basically acting like a 3 year old that wanted attention and didn't get her way. So I tried to suck it up and tried to have a good time skating (skating's really relaxing for me) but I just kept feeling worse and worse until I thought I was gonna toss my cookies from trying to hold in all these emotions... so I called my mom to come pick me up. some of my friends saw me taking my skates off and asked if I was leaving and not to go and when I said no they just left and kept skating (which is fine with me because I didn't want to make up anything and dig myself in a hole)
so now as I type my self-pitying words to either my faithful readers or just cyber space, I bid you all goodnight. sorry for this completely terrible post, I needed to vent very badly!
more thoughts later~
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Here is a list...
...of things I've done lately:
Wrote positive things on my desk and see if anyone would respond
Told someone they inspired me
Tried to pick out the notes of a song so I could sing my part correctly in choir
came to my school 5 hours after school to learn how to dance
FINALLY got the family computer back (and fixed) HALLELUJAH!
went to an art museum
went to a soda fountain and tried something I've never had before
went to a dog adoption place and pet adorable puppies
got a cavity filled and dealt with half my face being numb for almost all day
complained about people a LOT
so yeah! that's a list of just SOME of the things I've done lately :)
My choir(s) have started May Fiesta and I've been doing a LOT of dancing, I love it because the dances are SO easy compared to the musical so I kinda "show off" but yeah, it's super fun and I really don't know what to say anymore because really there hasn't been very much drama in my life lately (which is a good thing!)
more thoughts later~
Wrote positive things on my desk and see if anyone would respond
Told someone they inspired me
Tried to pick out the notes of a song so I could sing my part correctly in choir
came to my school 5 hours after school to learn how to dance
FINALLY got the family computer back (and fixed) HALLELUJAH!
went to an art museum
went to a soda fountain and tried something I've never had before
went to a dog adoption place and pet adorable puppies
got a cavity filled and dealt with half my face being numb for almost all day
complained about people a LOT
so yeah! that's a list of just SOME of the things I've done lately :)
My choir(s) have started May Fiesta and I've been doing a LOT of dancing, I love it because the dances are SO easy compared to the musical so I kinda "show off" but yeah, it's super fun and I really don't know what to say anymore because really there hasn't been very much drama in my life lately (which is a good thing!)
more thoughts later~
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Spring break
My life has been falling together pretty nicely lately. Me and my sister are GETTING ALONG (Gasp! did hell freeze over or something?) I really don't have any drama going on, my parents divorce isn't bugging me anymore, I know what I want to be when I grow up, (this makes me really excited!) and yeah. life is good!
So, I wanna talk about what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be an Occupational Therapist. These types of therapists work with people who have sensory integration disorder (known as "SI" to the therapists), and a few other things but I'll use myself as an example since I have a mild case of SI: I can't stand balloons, I'm afraid they'll pop and the noise a balloon makes when it pops makes me want to cry. I also can't wash dishes, it makes me want to puke. and finally I am a HUGELY picky eater, I can't stand certian textures (soups and salads are the bane of my existance) but Occupational therapists help you kinda get over that, or help you live with it. But what REALLY fascinates me is how they treat kids. They basically play with them! I shadowed a therapy place for kids... Oh my gosh, it was like my heaven on earth! I LOVE working with kids! and that's your job all day every day! haha I could deal with that!
But other than the epiphany I had about what I wanna be my Spring break has been lazy and laid back, not do nothing ALL the time but it's not rushed with all this "oh my god! I need to do this and that and the other thing in the next hour!" kinda thing. one other thing: after I think a week or so of nice weather and no-snowness Ohio decided to plop a huge thing of snow on us yesterday and it's almost melted... why do I live in such a bipolar state??
More thoughts later.
(P.s it was the 1 year mark of my grandpa's death this past Sunday, it's also the 1 year mark of my blog!)
So, I wanna talk about what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be an Occupational Therapist. These types of therapists work with people who have sensory integration disorder (known as "SI" to the therapists), and a few other things but I'll use myself as an example since I have a mild case of SI: I can't stand balloons, I'm afraid they'll pop and the noise a balloon makes when it pops makes me want to cry. I also can't wash dishes, it makes me want to puke. and finally I am a HUGELY picky eater, I can't stand certian textures (soups and salads are the bane of my existance) but Occupational therapists help you kinda get over that, or help you live with it. But what REALLY fascinates me is how they treat kids. They basically play with them! I shadowed a therapy place for kids... Oh my gosh, it was like my heaven on earth! I LOVE working with kids! and that's your job all day every day! haha I could deal with that!
But other than the epiphany I had about what I wanna be my Spring break has been lazy and laid back, not do nothing ALL the time but it's not rushed with all this "oh my god! I need to do this and that and the other thing in the next hour!" kinda thing. one other thing: after I think a week or so of nice weather and no-snowness Ohio decided to plop a huge thing of snow on us yesterday and it's almost melted... why do I live in such a bipolar state??
More thoughts later.
(P.s it was the 1 year mark of my grandpa's death this past Sunday, it's also the 1 year mark of my blog!)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
sickness...
...is the bane of my existence... I seriously hate being sick because I get sick ALL the time, and my sickness has the WORST timing.. normally during the end of the grading period or when i have a lot of tests... If you didn't already know, my immune system is terrible and if I get a cold it can turn into a hospital trip pretty easily. yeah... today I've been alone at my house with nothing to do other than read and sleep, I've hardly eaten anything and what I have eaten I haven't been able to taste so its crazy gross and I feel like I sound like a bitch whining about how sick I am xP
more thoughts later
more thoughts later
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Next to Normal madness!!!!!
AH!!!!! I LOVE Next to Normal!!! and guess what? we're singing a medley of next to normal songs in one of my school choirs :D if you don't know what Next to Normal is, it's a musical that I'm CRAZY about! But not just that! I might go to see the musical in the summer with my mom!! AND I just found out Alice Ripley, the main character of the show, went to the college my mom works at! :D
SO kewl!
sorry, this was a REALLY random post but I kinda thought I should share these random pieces of information with you guys :)
More thoughts later
SO kewl!
sorry, this was a REALLY random post but I kinda thought I should share these random pieces of information with you guys :)
More thoughts later
Saturday, March 5, 2011
powerful stuff.....
I REALLY enjoyed this article from the ACA big book, really powerful!
Adults don’t understand. Or they forgot.
Maybe it is too painful to remember.
Issues from their childhood are buried in a
hidden place they cannot easily find.
The adults say they don’t mean to hurt us.
They don’t know exactly why they act like they do, but
they do it anyway. They try to control us, and they
punish us. They overreact to little things, then miss
the bigger issues.
They constantly argue with one another
without realizing we are listening. They miss
our feelings, our needs, and our questions. They tell
us that we are not good enough, then complain that
we have low self-esteem.
Many adults can have no fun. Others can’t be serious
enough to listen. Inconsistency and chaos is the
rule.
Many of our parents have difficulties at work
and with their friends. As their children, we see and
live these problems with them. They criticize themselves
or us without mercy. Sometimes they want to
live our lives instead of living their own.
At times we become the parent. We take care of our brothers
and sisters, and we take care of our parents, too. Often
we think their arguments are our fault.
They tell us they want us to have a better life than they
had. But we grow up feeling guilty about what they
give us. They tell us we are lazy and ungrateful and
blame our school or our friends for our behavior.
We see, we think, and we feel; we also choose,
and we dream. But our human freedoms are often
denied. We are told what to see through the eyes of
our parents who are adult children of dysfunction.
We’re taught that our views are wrong even
though the truth is right before us. We are taught to
fear our thoughts and then we are ridiculed for not
thinking. Our choices are shamed; our dreams are
ridiculed and belittled.
We know how to act out and get attention. We
seem invisible, but we react with the passion of
youth, and we struggle mightily to survive
as we seek our own identity. The family chaos
will not allow us to be truly seen.
Our emerging strengths are both a benefit and a
problem. As we grow, feelings surge forth with a
force we’ve never known. Our loves are great and
our disappointments crushing. The exhilaration of
life takes our breath away, just like the nights spent
cringing in terror at home.
In this world of denial and confusion we find our
way. We experience pain and abandonment, then
cry out for connection the only way we know,
ways that sometimes hurt ourselves or others.
We swing between extremes. We
love our parents and hate what they do. We need
them so much, but we want to leave them. We
want to be like them, but we promise never to be
like them. We live in a land of black and white
where there is no gray. Our needs are complex and
compelling. We are teen children of alcoholic, addicted,
or dysfunctional homes.
Yet, we have hope. Deep in the darkness we
seek a light of truth and our rightful freedoms. We
review our chaotic life. We look at our parents’ alcoholism
or dysfunction and label it as such. We
say, “My parent is an alcoholic” and feel relief. We
understand that we didn’t cause this behavior, and
we can’t cure it.
We release our need to control
others and begin focusing on ourselves. We find
identity and hope with our friends in ACA. We take
responsibility for learning, understanding, and talking
about the truth inside each of us. Our feelings become
known. We make healthy choices as we learn
to love ourselves and parent ourselves. We can talk
about what happened. We have courage inside that
we are discovering. We celebrate a newfound peace
and serenity.
We are ready to embrace the promise
of our new lives in ACA Teen.
Adults don’t understand. Or they forgot.
Maybe it is too painful to remember.
Issues from their childhood are buried in a
hidden place they cannot easily find.
The adults say they don’t mean to hurt us.
They don’t know exactly why they act like they do, but
they do it anyway. They try to control us, and they
punish us. They overreact to little things, then miss
the bigger issues.
They constantly argue with one another
without realizing we are listening. They miss
our feelings, our needs, and our questions. They tell
us that we are not good enough, then complain that
we have low self-esteem.
Many adults can have no fun. Others can’t be serious
enough to listen. Inconsistency and chaos is the
rule.
Many of our parents have difficulties at work
and with their friends. As their children, we see and
live these problems with them. They criticize themselves
or us without mercy. Sometimes they want to
live our lives instead of living their own.
At times we become the parent. We take care of our brothers
and sisters, and we take care of our parents, too. Often
we think their arguments are our fault.
They tell us they want us to have a better life than they
had. But we grow up feeling guilty about what they
give us. They tell us we are lazy and ungrateful and
blame our school or our friends for our behavior.
We see, we think, and we feel; we also choose,
and we dream. But our human freedoms are often
denied. We are told what to see through the eyes of
our parents who are adult children of dysfunction.
We’re taught that our views are wrong even
though the truth is right before us. We are taught to
fear our thoughts and then we are ridiculed for not
thinking. Our choices are shamed; our dreams are
ridiculed and belittled.
We know how to act out and get attention. We
seem invisible, but we react with the passion of
youth, and we struggle mightily to survive
as we seek our own identity. The family chaos
will not allow us to be truly seen.
Our emerging strengths are both a benefit and a
problem. As we grow, feelings surge forth with a
force we’ve never known. Our loves are great and
our disappointments crushing. The exhilaration of
life takes our breath away, just like the nights spent
cringing in terror at home.
In this world of denial and confusion we find our
way. We experience pain and abandonment, then
cry out for connection the only way we know,
ways that sometimes hurt ourselves or others.
We swing between extremes. We
love our parents and hate what they do. We need
them so much, but we want to leave them. We
want to be like them, but we promise never to be
like them. We live in a land of black and white
where there is no gray. Our needs are complex and
compelling. We are teen children of alcoholic, addicted,
or dysfunctional homes.
Yet, we have hope. Deep in the darkness we
seek a light of truth and our rightful freedoms. We
review our chaotic life. We look at our parents’ alcoholism
or dysfunction and label it as such. We
say, “My parent is an alcoholic” and feel relief. We
understand that we didn’t cause this behavior, and
we can’t cure it.
We release our need to control
others and begin focusing on ourselves. We find
identity and hope with our friends in ACA. We take
responsibility for learning, understanding, and talking
about the truth inside each of us. Our feelings become
known. We make healthy choices as we learn
to love ourselves and parent ourselves. We can talk
about what happened. We have courage inside that
we are discovering. We celebrate a newfound peace
and serenity.
We are ready to embrace the promise
of our new lives in ACA Teen.
It sucks when....
you think someone likes you and you like them, but they start going out with someone else... There's a guy I've liked since Freshman year and I kinda thought he liked me a bit but I just saw he changed his facebook status from "single" to "in a relationship" and it just kinda made me go from "yay I'm SUPER happy!" to "awww... FML....." it really sucks..... but I prolly will keep liking him even though he's dating someone else, it just kinda makes me feel down in the dumps a bit... but yeah! that really the most interesting thing that has happened to me lately :P
More thoughts later~
More thoughts later~
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