a thousand pardons....

I tend to have this REALLY bad habit of going weeks without blogging, it's not that I have anything better to do, or that I don't have computer access.. I just don't blog. So, I'm sorry, I just really need to blog more, it makes me feel a lot better when I go on long writing rants.

So, I dunno if anyone really reads this, not that I really care, I enjoy blogging and even if I have a bazillion readers or none at all I still am gonna write. But I've realized that I REALLY crave educated, philosophical conversations. Unfortunately my group of friends are not one for any sort of educated conversation, it makes me sad... That's why I'm so excited for college 'cuz then I'll be much more likely to find friends with the same interests and smartness... I'm not saying my friends are smart, they are.. But I always feel like I'm better than them and I feel terrible for it, I don't like feeling better than people, I like there being others that are better than me. I'm also not saying there aren't people better than me, I just don't have the ability to talk to them. The most educated conversations I've had are with my teachers, but I never get to get REALLY good conversations with them. That's the one thing I miss about Fieldcrest (my old school) in 7th grade, there were a LOT of philosophical conversations that I had there. I remember one day we had an overnight at the school and I talked with some teachers and some of my friends until 3 am about.. everything, life death, hidden meanings, some stuff like that. I really do miss that. I think my friends have the ability to talk like that but they don't wanna open up about that kind of thing or they just don't care. I want to meet someone who cares, who's willing to talk about the "what ifs" or the "maybes", someone willing to talk about the big picture in life and isn't focused on their stupid high school drama that's happening that moment.

I strongly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. when I say something like that my friends either nod their heads or give me a blank stare. Do they even know what I'm talking about? Is it possible that this drama of So-and-so breaking up with me has PURPOSE other than ruining my life? I really do love my friends, don't get me wrong. But it's so frustrating when you can't converse in the way you think, you have to dumb it down, or the type of music you listen to your friends think is garbage, or when you sing they tell you to shut up because they think the song you're singing is stupid. I never thought I'd have friends like this. I thought I'd be a theater geek surrounded by other theater geeks, singing on the bus and conversing about the tragic storyline of "West Side Story" or where we'd audition next. Instead I have friends who only go to my performances because I'm in them or I beg them to come.

Sometimes I just feel so alone, I just want to be friends with someone who is similar to me, not the exact opposite...

More thoughts later

terrible weekends, jobs, and vloging

I found out that two weekends in a row at my dads house = a mental breakdown on my part. this was NOT a good weekend for me... at ALL.. it involved lots of tears and temporary loss of sanity..yeah.. it was bad. So because my mom is the awesome person that she is, she let me have a mental health day so I wouldn't lose my flipping mind. I needed it, like, REALLY needed it! That mental health day helped me screw my head back on and made me feel like I can totally tackle the rest of the school year w/o getting sick or losing my mind again :).... wait... that didn't sound good.. for me, that's good! but anyways, today is my first day of work, I'm working at a greenhouse, I'll be working as a cashier and all that fun stuff... but I'll be getting paid so that's what matters~ also, I'm thinking of starting vloging,I have a video camera that I never use, I also have a whole lot of time that I never use so I could spend my time doing that! but yeah, I'll start vloging soon (hopefully)
more thoughts later~

my long weekend with Dr. Who

so for the duration of my 4 day weekend this is what I've done:

Hung out with a friend
went to a sweet 16 birthday party at chuck-e-cheese's
stuffed my face with candy
won $2 in my dads easter egg hunt
got a job at a local greenhouse (yay!)
but what I spent the most time doing, out of ANYTHING here... because I'm a dork and am still trying to grow out of my antisocial-ness (but this does not help in ANY way)... is watching Dr. Who... I love that show, I really do.. the writers are brilliant and often make my jaw drop at how creative they are..I for one am NOT a fan of alien movies or believe in aliens or am an alien fanatic/enthusiast. But I AM a fan of a hot guy traveling through time and space in a blue police box that's bigger on the inside because it's a Time And Relative Dimension In Space (TARDIS) and saving the universe from alien invasions or other things that are (in our world) impossible... yeah... I wouldn't mind THAT being reality.. but I think in the duration of this 4 day weekend I saw the end of the universe... I think around 3 times... saw the ending I always wanted for a certain character (but not at all in the way I expected it) and basically satisfied my extreme dorkiness...well, time to go to school!

more thoughts later <3

Good friday

hello blog!

it's been nearly a week since I've last written (but I've thought of writing several times) but before I write anything important, my modeling audition was a scam and a waste of 5+ hours... shame :'(

So today is a day known to my catholic family as Good Friday, which is why I think basically all schools get today off, so we can pray. We're praying today 'cuz Jesus died on this day. What's supposed to happen (in the Catholic tradition) is today is a day of fasting and prayer and at 3 pm we are silent and then pray on the Rosary "for the sake of his sorrowful passion". But since my straight laced Catholic family is really no longer a seriously practicing Catholic family since my parents got divorced, my mom's taking the kids to day care so she can go to work, I'm going to a friends house and my sister is at my dads house. So on my end, I'm gonna be having a grand old time stuffing my face and being a crazy person while the rest of my religion mourns the death of Jesus. Yeah, thats just the way I roll I guess...

Another thing that I'd like to tell you bolg is out of all my friends I'm the only one that's gone for almost 4 months w/o dating ANYONE... and I'm kinda lonely I guess. Sure, I have the company of my awesome friends but.. I kinda would like to have a boyfriend again... someone who's not a jerk.. yeah....

more thoughts later

Goals and ASL

Hello my dear an lovely blog!

This weekend has been one of those weekends that you expect to do nothing but find out you'll hardly be home... yeah, other than yesterday I've had a pretty busy weekend and today will definitely be the busiest and what sucks is I have to finish up my english project stuff but I don't have time! (GRAWR!) I'll probably have another night staying up until 11:30 or so working on this project (dear God I hope not) But I REALLY don't wanna be a zombie again on Monday :/

Since I last posted I've made a couple goals (both involve my mother) I want to take a yoga class with her and I want to learn ASL with her. The first goal was inspired by a TV show my family and I enjoy watching and the other was inspired last night.

Last night my mom took me and my little sister, Mary (not the evil one), to see a deaf storyteller (the guy had an interpreter). Her main reason for going was for business, she's the project manager (or something along those lines) for a deaf study at Kent state University, so she was gonna hand out fliers and stuff at the end. The place was packed with both deaf and hearing people to see this storyteller, the show opened with a deaf choir signing to "I believe I can fly", it was really great, I was really impressed with the soul they put into a song that they couldn't hear. Then after a long introduction the storyteller came out, he was AMAZING!He told us all these hilarious stories and had a couple little skits that involved some of the deaf (or people that could sign) in the audience. This man was so inspiring, he had so much energy and emotion and everyone loved him, during most of his stories I was almost crying from laughing so hard, but I felt that I could've gotten more out of the experience if I understood sign language. So at the end of the show my mom was looking for some people she knew were deaf from other events she went to and asked me to hand a flier to a deaf kid that was in one of the skits, so I did and I was able to sign to him "I don't know ASL" and he said he knew and I handed him the flier and said something to his friend (who my mom gave a flier to earlier) I'm pretty sure he asked if they got money from doing the study and his friend said yes and they both got really excited. It was so strange there though, it was like culture shock.. there were hundreds of conversations going on at once but hardly any sound other than the non- deaf people talking. and after every skit the applause was silent because we were waving our hands like jazz hands to represent applause instead of actually clapping. it was actually really cool.

But now my dear blog, I need to go worship god for an hour or so, go to Kent, go to my modeling audition and THEN look at colleges some more with my mom. wish me luck~!

more thoughts later

my weekend

so, my friend came over Thursday night because she got kicked out of her house (read previous post) and I haven't blogged since then... it wasn't bad, she told me what happened and it made me completely lose respect for a girl I had hardly any respect for, I won't reveal any details, but what she did was low and if I could punch hard and could deal with the guilt of punching someone I would knock her out, but because I can do neither I just have to live with the fact that she's a bitch.

But other than my piece of drama there I really have done nothing special this weekend. It really only consisted of sleeping, eating, and watching Dr. Who. and even then I didn't eat much (I think like 3 "meals" it was pathetic.) But if you know me, I DO enjoy Dr. Who... a lot.. I am a proud dork who is a not quite, but kinda is, fanatic of that show. It's really the only thing that makes me look forward to a weekend at my dad's.. pathetic... I might go crazy if he keeps us so locked up in his house..

But Dr. Who.. a British TV show that hardly anyone has heard of has somewhat kept my sanity (a.k.a I don't wanna tear someone's head off from the intense boredom of my father's house)But this is a show you either love or hate, so obviously.. I love it.. It kinda just lets my mind wander and let my imagination create it's own stories and basically... keep me from killing someone.. but when I watch it I think "ah I wish I had a British accent... British accents are hot..." btw I totally have the hots for the two guys that play the main characters in the two latest seasons... gosh I'm a dork.... I WOULD LOVE TO MARRY/DATE A BRITISH GUY!!!! <3

more thoughts later~

what to do?

My gosh, this is gonna be a crazy night... I got a call on my phone while I was geeking out playing Kingdom hearts on my DS from one of my friends: "hey, I'm with so-and-so and she got kicked out of her house, can she come over?" I remember hearing my mom say a few months ago "I will always welcome your friends if they need a safe house, but only for 24 hours." so I say I'll ask my mom, she says yes so I just finished frantically cleaning my room in order for her to be able to see my floor and/or sleep on my floor... I hope this goes well... she's one of those people that can stay up all night and still go to school, I need 7 hours minimum to function.... I also wake up at 5 am to get ready.... yeah.....