I have a secret

Soo... Im pretty damn glad no one reads this cuz things are about to get personal (when i mean personal, i mean im gonna talk about myself.. But i do that a lot here)
Anyways, i might seem really self-centered on this blog.. I talk about me and my problems a LOT.. but its cuz i rarely get to do that in real life, since i havent been able to talk to my best friend lately the only other person im okay talking about this is with my mom. Weird i know, but shes pretty awesome with like... Everything.. But theres a pretty big difference about talking about your problems to your mom than with a friend.. I totally love this blog cuz i can write so much in it and i know that my blog wont juge me, or tell me im wrong, or try to fix me.. Which is what a lot of people do. And a lot of the time, if i tell my friends something personal, i feel like a cranky bitch because most of the time they just stop me and just tell me how terrible their lives are.. It sucks.
But ive been stalling and stuff so ill just say it.. I think i have the beginning of an eating disorder... Im not full blown yet.. So its good that ive identified it but still.. When you're someone like me who is used to being the savior of other people, who thinks that their isnt anything MAJORLY wrong with them... Its just... Wow...
This came to my attention when we did a food diary for one of my biomed classes... I eat only around half the calories i should every day.. Sometimes less! When i was filling it out every day i was always like "i HAVE to have eaten more than this! There is no way i eat this little" and its not like i force myself NOT to eat, i dont think im fat, i just forget. Ill be doing something and just the thought of eating seems less important than what im doing at the moment, before i know it, ive missed a meal. Its so scary because ive been sleeping more and more and having less energy... I just want to talk to someone, i really am freaked out and i just want to vent my feelings to someone and just have them listen. I dont want them to fix me, i dont want them to freak out, i just want them to understand, i want them to tell me itll be ok... I just want to be supported by someone other than my mom. To a lot of people i know, this is nothing. I dont cut myself, i dont do drugs or drink, im not abused every day, and not currently suffering from any disease. But this is scary for ME. What if it gets worse? What if i have to be sent to one of those places that they force feed you and give you medicine every day? I dont want to be this way, having to FORCE myself to eat every day, eating a full meal is HARD for me, its not supposed to be that way.
Even though i have support from my mom, who reminds me to eat every day and makes sure i eat it all. I feel so lonely, im like a scared little kid, and i just dont know what to do.
Im surrounded by so many people who care about me, who think they know me.. But they dont.. They never have seen me cry, theyve never seen me as anyone but "happy kayla" and its like the world is over if im not happy.
Im sorry, im venting too much, that is good for another blog... The point is. Im ill, and im scared and lonely. I hate this!

Oh dear me...

Soo... Its a free period and i was able to get internet access from the choir room! Hopefully my ipod doesnt crash on me :P anyways, im bored and tired and dont really want to be here! Its the last day of "classes" before exams and winter break so of course all we have to do is socialize and do nothing. Not REALLY trying to complain but it does make the day pretty long since i havent really had to use my brain at all... AND keep in mind i dont really have anyone to socialize WITH... Yeah, life is rough... But hopefully when the musical starts ill become better friends with the people i WANT to hang out with!!!
Well, class is almost over~

Getting ready for exams

So, exam week is next week.. And i guess our teachers just went "oh shit! I havent given them this test or homework!! I guess ill give it to them now!" during one of the busiest weeks i have!!!! Ive gotten so many freaking exam packets that take hours and two midterm projects that are famous for taking days to complete... And btw, its only wednesday! Why is it that the week before a holiday is like.. The longest week EVER! Grrr... And not really having someone (keely) to talk to or hang out with makes this week just... Blah... Im sorry for venting so much to you blog, this week has just been so stressful and im back in my lonely phase, so basically... Im not a happy camper!!! I miss having friends Nd some form of a life :'(

I missed you!

Hello dear blog! Its been a while! And i am so sorry :'( i feel like I've cheated! Ive been pretty active in tumblr and school that i forgot about you! (sad, i know!) but it just wasn't the same! I haven't had a place where i can just spill all my feelings and not feel totally self-centered about it... But here i CAN do that! You're like an ex boyfriend that after a while you miss and just always go back to, you were my first love dear blog! So anyways, I'm gonna talk about my life now...
Life has been boring and stressful at the same time. Boring because there isn't anything interesting, fun, or exciting that has really happened to me since i went to south Carolina a few months ago (i went with keely:D). But its been stressful because of school, classes have been getting harder and more intense (so has the workload) and i came across one of the most evil, horrible teachers i have ever met in my whole life... My Spanish teacher. Now dear blog, you may be saying to yourself "oh shes just an overreacting teen, whatever!" but no joke, if the devil was a girl with a super heavy Colombian accent, it would be her. And blog, keep in mind that i NEVER feel this way about teachers! But this teacher is a flat out bully!!! She picks on kids, tells the class how "sad" or "pathetic" we are. She even went to such lengths by asking me if i did my homework hungover b/c it wasn't perfect!!! And i am NOT exaggerating this :/ but it all was an unpleasant affair and now I'm dropping the class at the end of the semester *insert hallelujah chorus here*
Im also going through the whole stereotypical high school pains of i dont really BELONG anywhere, im a drifter who flits between different groups because i dont really fit into any place.. Its really very frustrating! I thought i was over this last year.. But of course i "outgrew" my old friends so im like "just let me belong somewhere! I dont like being a loner!!!!" cuz you know, im that kid who stands in the corner because im not quite brave enough to say hi or join a conversation because im seriously afraid of being judged by other people and im shy... I dont like it! And of course with my luck ill find some group of friends im comfortable with and then itll be time to graduate! :(
I do have one friend, keely, but we havent talked a lot, she has a lot of bad stuff going on in her life so when i try to talk to her, she doesnt really open up or respond... I really miss talking with her all the time, i understand her situation and stuff but... I miss talking with one of my closest friends!
So thats me! A big ball of stress and a loner! What else is new? :P
Ahhh typing about my life is so wonderful! I really missed you my dear blog!!!!!!

Good news!!! :)

So.. Although i have yet to get a new computer i have the next best thing (at least in my opinion)... AN IPOD TOUCH!!!
Im seriously so super excited to have this! Its like a little mini computer..just with a sucky battery.
So nothing really super exciting has happened, ive just had school and homwwork really. Although i have to say that ive been spendimg time with my friend Keely about every weekend, shes kinda becoming one of my closest friends right now. We are still in that " Even though I enjoy your company i dunno if i should tell you EVERYTHING quite yet" phases. I do have to say that we have had times that we just blurt our whatever is going on in our lives.. But an awkward silence normally follows. I Am SO super determined to become good friends with her. We started hanging out last year a few times but my friends drama kinda took over my life and we stopped hanging out for a while.
In other news, ive started reading the hunger games and OH MY GOSH they are AMAZING!!!! I reccomend everyone and anyone to read this series, its AWESOME!
Thats all i really have to say right now... Im prolly gonna go back to reading now :)
~more thoughts later

Computer is out of commision :(

So, I've been in school for a few weeks now, it's been crazy! I THINK I'm enjoying myself... not sure though.. the huge workload I have from homework is putting a damper on everything (yesterday I had 7 hours of homework!) and the worst part is I don't have computer access except for at my dad's house! we had a thunder storm and it was REALLY bad and we later found out that it fried our computer and whatever connects us to the internet... sucks for me!

In other news my friend just got out of the hospital, she attempted suicide and was hospitalized.... it was crazy.. I ended up telling her I couldn't be her friend until she started caring about her life so yeah..... I'm going to postpone my 1300 things to be grateful for until I have more regular computer access :)
ciao!

Back to school

So.... school has started, I have to say I have a feeling this year is gonna kick my butt! It's only been 3 days and one of my teachers has already assigned a quiz for next week! I'm gonna have to get used to studying now :P

But an upside to school is I've already been asked to homecoming~ It's my friend Tony, I've dated him once but I think he likes me again :P I'm honestly not interested in dating him, at all... but I AM interested in having a date to homecoming!!! it made me so excited :D I think he's one of the only guys that I'm not interested in dating but would be totally comfortable as having a date to Homecoming, he's one of my best guy friends and I think he's pretty cool so I'm pretty thrilled to go with him!!

Another upside to school is I have choir with TWO guys I like!!! It's so awesome!!! My friend convinced me to try to talk to one of them on Monday, I REALLY hope one of them likes me (maybe not now, but in the near future) because I know I'm not ugly but I'm not the cookie cutter girl who has the same hair as everyone and the same designer cloths (or knockoffs) but they always get the guys... it makes me so mad, like, why would you want to date someone who looks almost exactly the same as the next girl? And I know I have personality, I'm just shy at first :P It's so confusing cuz I get told by people I hardly even know (normally adults) that "oh you're so GORGEOUS! you should be a MODEL!" and maybe its just an adult thing but I hardly get the time of day from the people I WANT to have attracted to me, I just get exes and creepers :(

WHY IS THE WORLD SO DAMN CONFUSING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

more thoughts later!