To a friend:

Honestly?  Sometimes I feel like you ignore my existance. Am I annoying? Am I embarassing? Am I weird?  Sometimes I just want it all to stop, I feel like Ive given so much but get nothing back. Ever. Sometimes I just dont want to care anymore. But I cant. Every once in a while you see me, or respond to me.  I realize how nice it is to talk to someone. Even though you have some terrible shit going on, you still want to know how Im doing. In a world of completely self-centered people, that means a lot to me. I try not to care, but I cant stop. So Ive learned to go it alone But these periods of silence leave me feeling abandoned. Ive never felt so lonely in my entire life. And I thought you were someone I could coumt on. I trusted you. I feel betrayed Lonely Abandoned. I try to reach out to you I thought you would umderstand what Im going through. You know what its like to feel alone I thought we were friends. I feel so mad Sad Confused. I text you once every few days To see if you want to talk To show you I still care. Have you ever started a conversation with me? Do you even care? Do I matter to you at all? Or am I annoying? Am i just a bug, buzzing around? Thats how I feel. I feel so mixed up with emotions, but most of all, Im sad Extremely sad So sad that I could break And just start to cry. Maybe this isnt about you. I dont know what its about exactly.. But maybe you were the last straw Now Im completely alone With no ones company but my own. I hate it.

I hate this..

What is "this" you might ask? Well, partially me and partially everything else. Im just tired, i wanna sleep for the rest of my life.. But i dont at the same time. I want to have friends but I crave solitude, I hate being so damn lonely but I basically hate everyone and everything. Including me. Im wrong, Im a mess, Im battered and a monster. No one sees me, no one cares. By why should they? When eeryones lives revolve around themselves and theres nothing you can do about it. Expect nothing, ever. So why should I expect anything other than the treatment I get from others now? When I myself, hate who I am. How can I expect anyone to love me if I dont?
I want to matter
I want someone to care
I want SOMEONE to see this pain that I feel
I want someone to understand
I dont want to be fixed
I just want someone there to be with me so Im not so alone
Im so alone
I want help, but I feel like people will think Im pathetic
I am
I dont want people to see me like this
In tears and breaking down
I want to be strong
But then again, ive been strong for too long
I am weak
I am hopless
Im a mess that no one will ever see
And if they do, theyll just ignore it.
They always do.
So im going to be invisible
Forever
Like always
I dont know why I expect anything different.

Updates with my life

Hello dear blogspot! I keep neglecting you so much... Sorry about that... Ive been infatuated with tumblr lately, but I felt the need to type something instead of posting pictures. So... Im a finalist in Canton Idol.. KINDA a big deal (for me at least) so thats exciting :) but other than that... Nothing really is going on. My forever alone status is still in effect.. Basically friendless and dateless for a while now (dateless for about a year and a half now) but yeah.. Im REALLY lonely. Its insane... Like, even the most unpopular and creepy kids at my school have more friends than I do... Sometimes I wonder if I actually have friends... Idk.. Its weird.. I know Ive been wallowing in my self-pity of friendlessness for months now.. But this is insane. Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.. And I want it to stop. My self confidence is SO low right now, if people remember my NAME that makes my day, its sad. Im sad... Im VERY sad, and I just don't know what to do... I dont feel like I have purpose anymore, life isn't awesome anymore. It sucks. The only person that really talks to me at school is this creepy guy who stalks me... And I REALLY don't wanna talk to him. But its like... What choice do I have? I dont have any other human interaction. And im venting again but Im sad. I know the ocassional person reads this blog but Im just here to vent, ok? Its 2 am and I want to vent to something.. But anyways. I honestly think that If I died or something happened.. No one would care. No one knows who I am so why do I matter? ( btw I am NOT stating tht I want to die, im just stating that no one would care if I did) my only friends I never get to talk to and either dont go to my school or I dont have any classes with.. They ignore my texts or are too busy to put up with me. This TOTALLY helps my self-esteem btw, it makes me feel even more like im worthless. Im weird, awkward, have NO style cuz im so poor, have ugly hair, and am invisible. I hate being invisible, but thats who I am. Im the invisible girl who will never be noticed by anyone for her entire life. Fuck it all

Confused feelings

Im really very confused right now... I have the start of feelings... For a girl. Its nothing serious, just a crush but still... I like to think Im pretty damn straight. Not entirley convinced that I actually like her like that, but Im pretty damn sure. Its really confusing for me though, because Im pretty cool with gays and bis, my best friend is a lesbian. But I honestly have never really thought of being with a girl before, no one other than her. Im also not sure if its just the fact that ive been single for over a year now and im cool with dating anyone... Ugh IDK... Its just weird. And its only her... Its like Ianto and Jack from Torchwood! Ianto is only gay with Jack, no one else.
Ive gotta sleep.. And think...
But I like her, i really do. I just dont wanna ruin our friendship and whatnot and I also dont wanna lead her on and then go " oh! Lookat that! Im not really into girls!"
Again, i gotta think

Life's a bitch

Soo... I finally was able to connect with my friend that Ive been missing.. Shes not doing too well... She was in the hospital Thursday, I had no idea. The doctors arent sure whats wrong with her, but they think it mightve been a mini stroke. One of my best friends mightve had a mini stroke! Its really also kind of eye opening for me, many times Im like: "my life sucks, i hate being alive right now" but my friend has been through so much shit that it makes my life seem like flipping Disneyland!
I dunno.. Im just really worried about her because 1) shes starting to isolate herself, 2) shes seemed extremely depressed lately, and 3) I really dont wanna lose this girl, shes honestly my closest friend and if ANYTHING happened to her.... Ah, I dont even wanna go there right now. I just wish she knew how much I cared! my friendship with her is really very important to me, shes able to change my perspective of things, she really gets me, and I dont get that with other people..
Anyways, life can be a serious bitch and I wish something really good would happen to my friend, its like she cant get a break.. She doesnt deserve what life has given her.

(if anyone actually reads this: forgive me for my complete and utter loss of punctuation)

Just a thought

So, lately iv'e been thinking about some random shit, especially when im about to go to sleep... Its like every night I feel like I havent done anything worthwile that day. Its the same thing every day: wake up, try to look pretty, go to school for 8 hours, 3 hours of musical rehersal, go home, eat, then sleep. Sometimes it varies but its pretty much the same EVERY. SINGLE. DAY... and i wonder, am i really doing anything with my life? Im going to school, so i can go to school for another 4-6 years, so i can have a job, so i can follow another pointless rouine for the rest of my life..... God thats depressing... But i guess the point of life is to keep from falling into something like that, to make the most of life and to be able to go to sleep with the knowledge that you really have done something with your life.

Just some stuff..

Soo... One of my REALLY good friends dropped the only class I have with her :( and honestly, I really miss her! I haven't talked to her since then and I'm really bummed.. I didn't really know how much I enjoyed her company until she left. Yeah, I've been really lonely. I've been really worried about her too, shes been looking really sad and depressed lately, I know she's been going through some really bad stuff lately so it's understandable.. But i still worry... I've tried to contact her a few times, just to talk, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm acting "clingy" or something.. I really don't wanna be that person that's super annoying, but this friendship is really important to me! My mom says that friendships are a two way street and it's up to me how much effort I wanna put into it, but the way she made it sound is that our friendship may be deteriorated since we no longer have that class together.. I really hope not! This girl means a lot to me and I just don't this to just be done but I dont want to be annoying by putting this effort into trying to just simply talk to her :/ God, this is so damn confusing... I wish you could tell me what to do blog! I dunno what I should do about this :(

Some updates

Hello lovely world of blogspot! long time no see (again)
so since I last posted, I spent my whole winter break playing video games and chilling out, I'm getting a LOT better, my mom has been awesome and I have a eating plan and stuff. I've been so insanely busy and haven't had much time to myself.. but I have such awesome news!!! I dropped spanish today!!!!! I'm SO happy :D its like a weight off my shoulders. But I'm still gonna be as busy as ever, I'm in the musical and it's INTENSE! I'm here after school almost every day until 6 for rehearsal. I'm an Indian and I'm in the "advanced dance group" It's a lot of hard work, especially since I'm not the best dancer :/ but it's really cool! Dominic, our dance instructor, pushes us to the limit and has really good ideas... he also enjoys making us do push-ups and crazy insane workouts (for high schoolers) but hey! If I go to winter formal I'm gonna look GOOD :)
well, this class period is gonna end soon,
ciao!

I have a secret

Soo... Im pretty damn glad no one reads this cuz things are about to get personal (when i mean personal, i mean im gonna talk about myself.. But i do that a lot here)
Anyways, i might seem really self-centered on this blog.. I talk about me and my problems a LOT.. but its cuz i rarely get to do that in real life, since i havent been able to talk to my best friend lately the only other person im okay talking about this is with my mom. Weird i know, but shes pretty awesome with like... Everything.. But theres a pretty big difference about talking about your problems to your mom than with a friend.. I totally love this blog cuz i can write so much in it and i know that my blog wont juge me, or tell me im wrong, or try to fix me.. Which is what a lot of people do. And a lot of the time, if i tell my friends something personal, i feel like a cranky bitch because most of the time they just stop me and just tell me how terrible their lives are.. It sucks.
But ive been stalling and stuff so ill just say it.. I think i have the beginning of an eating disorder... Im not full blown yet.. So its good that ive identified it but still.. When you're someone like me who is used to being the savior of other people, who thinks that their isnt anything MAJORLY wrong with them... Its just... Wow...
This came to my attention when we did a food diary for one of my biomed classes... I eat only around half the calories i should every day.. Sometimes less! When i was filling it out every day i was always like "i HAVE to have eaten more than this! There is no way i eat this little" and its not like i force myself NOT to eat, i dont think im fat, i just forget. Ill be doing something and just the thought of eating seems less important than what im doing at the moment, before i know it, ive missed a meal. Its so scary because ive been sleeping more and more and having less energy... I just want to talk to someone, i really am freaked out and i just want to vent my feelings to someone and just have them listen. I dont want them to fix me, i dont want them to freak out, i just want them to understand, i want them to tell me itll be ok... I just want to be supported by someone other than my mom. To a lot of people i know, this is nothing. I dont cut myself, i dont do drugs or drink, im not abused every day, and not currently suffering from any disease. But this is scary for ME. What if it gets worse? What if i have to be sent to one of those places that they force feed you and give you medicine every day? I dont want to be this way, having to FORCE myself to eat every day, eating a full meal is HARD for me, its not supposed to be that way.
Even though i have support from my mom, who reminds me to eat every day and makes sure i eat it all. I feel so lonely, im like a scared little kid, and i just dont know what to do.
Im surrounded by so many people who care about me, who think they know me.. But they dont.. They never have seen me cry, theyve never seen me as anyone but "happy kayla" and its like the world is over if im not happy.
Im sorry, im venting too much, that is good for another blog... The point is. Im ill, and im scared and lonely. I hate this!

Oh dear me...

Soo... Its a free period and i was able to get internet access from the choir room! Hopefully my ipod doesnt crash on me :P anyways, im bored and tired and dont really want to be here! Its the last day of "classes" before exams and winter break so of course all we have to do is socialize and do nothing. Not REALLY trying to complain but it does make the day pretty long since i havent really had to use my brain at all... AND keep in mind i dont really have anyone to socialize WITH... Yeah, life is rough... But hopefully when the musical starts ill become better friends with the people i WANT to hang out with!!!
Well, class is almost over~

Getting ready for exams

So, exam week is next week.. And i guess our teachers just went "oh shit! I havent given them this test or homework!! I guess ill give it to them now!" during one of the busiest weeks i have!!!! Ive gotten so many freaking exam packets that take hours and two midterm projects that are famous for taking days to complete... And btw, its only wednesday! Why is it that the week before a holiday is like.. The longest week EVER! Grrr... And not really having someone (keely) to talk to or hang out with makes this week just... Blah... Im sorry for venting so much to you blog, this week has just been so stressful and im back in my lonely phase, so basically... Im not a happy camper!!! I miss having friends Nd some form of a life :'(

I missed you!

Hello dear blog! Its been a while! And i am so sorry :'( i feel like I've cheated! Ive been pretty active in tumblr and school that i forgot about you! (sad, i know!) but it just wasn't the same! I haven't had a place where i can just spill all my feelings and not feel totally self-centered about it... But here i CAN do that! You're like an ex boyfriend that after a while you miss and just always go back to, you were my first love dear blog! So anyways, I'm gonna talk about my life now...
Life has been boring and stressful at the same time. Boring because there isn't anything interesting, fun, or exciting that has really happened to me since i went to south Carolina a few months ago (i went with keely:D). But its been stressful because of school, classes have been getting harder and more intense (so has the workload) and i came across one of the most evil, horrible teachers i have ever met in my whole life... My Spanish teacher. Now dear blog, you may be saying to yourself "oh shes just an overreacting teen, whatever!" but no joke, if the devil was a girl with a super heavy Colombian accent, it would be her. And blog, keep in mind that i NEVER feel this way about teachers! But this teacher is a flat out bully!!! She picks on kids, tells the class how "sad" or "pathetic" we are. She even went to such lengths by asking me if i did my homework hungover b/c it wasn't perfect!!! And i am NOT exaggerating this :/ but it all was an unpleasant affair and now I'm dropping the class at the end of the semester *insert hallelujah chorus here*
Im also going through the whole stereotypical high school pains of i dont really BELONG anywhere, im a drifter who flits between different groups because i dont really fit into any place.. Its really very frustrating! I thought i was over this last year.. But of course i "outgrew" my old friends so im like "just let me belong somewhere! I dont like being a loner!!!!" cuz you know, im that kid who stands in the corner because im not quite brave enough to say hi or join a conversation because im seriously afraid of being judged by other people and im shy... I dont like it! And of course with my luck ill find some group of friends im comfortable with and then itll be time to graduate! :(
I do have one friend, keely, but we havent talked a lot, she has a lot of bad stuff going on in her life so when i try to talk to her, she doesnt really open up or respond... I really miss talking with her all the time, i understand her situation and stuff but... I miss talking with one of my closest friends!
So thats me! A big ball of stress and a loner! What else is new? :P
Ahhh typing about my life is so wonderful! I really missed you my dear blog!!!!!!

Good news!!! :)

So.. Although i have yet to get a new computer i have the next best thing (at least in my opinion)... AN IPOD TOUCH!!!
Im seriously so super excited to have this! Its like a little mini computer..just with a sucky battery.
So nothing really super exciting has happened, ive just had school and homwwork really. Although i have to say that ive been spendimg time with my friend Keely about every weekend, shes kinda becoming one of my closest friends right now. We are still in that " Even though I enjoy your company i dunno if i should tell you EVERYTHING quite yet" phases. I do have to say that we have had times that we just blurt our whatever is going on in our lives.. But an awkward silence normally follows. I Am SO super determined to become good friends with her. We started hanging out last year a few times but my friends drama kinda took over my life and we stopped hanging out for a while.
In other news, ive started reading the hunger games and OH MY GOSH they are AMAZING!!!! I reccomend everyone and anyone to read this series, its AWESOME!
Thats all i really have to say right now... Im prolly gonna go back to reading now :)
~more thoughts later

Computer is out of commision :(

So, I've been in school for a few weeks now, it's been crazy! I THINK I'm enjoying myself... not sure though.. the huge workload I have from homework is putting a damper on everything (yesterday I had 7 hours of homework!) and the worst part is I don't have computer access except for at my dad's house! we had a thunder storm and it was REALLY bad and we later found out that it fried our computer and whatever connects us to the internet... sucks for me!

In other news my friend just got out of the hospital, she attempted suicide and was hospitalized.... it was crazy.. I ended up telling her I couldn't be her friend until she started caring about her life so yeah..... I'm going to postpone my 1300 things to be grateful for until I have more regular computer access :)
ciao!

Back to school

So.... school has started, I have to say I have a feeling this year is gonna kick my butt! It's only been 3 days and one of my teachers has already assigned a quiz for next week! I'm gonna have to get used to studying now :P

But an upside to school is I've already been asked to homecoming~ It's my friend Tony, I've dated him once but I think he likes me again :P I'm honestly not interested in dating him, at all... but I AM interested in having a date to homecoming!!! it made me so excited :D I think he's one of the only guys that I'm not interested in dating but would be totally comfortable as having a date to Homecoming, he's one of my best guy friends and I think he's pretty cool so I'm pretty thrilled to go with him!!

Another upside to school is I have choir with TWO guys I like!!! It's so awesome!!! My friend convinced me to try to talk to one of them on Monday, I REALLY hope one of them likes me (maybe not now, but in the near future) because I know I'm not ugly but I'm not the cookie cutter girl who has the same hair as everyone and the same designer cloths (or knockoffs) but they always get the guys... it makes me so mad, like, why would you want to date someone who looks almost exactly the same as the next girl? And I know I have personality, I'm just shy at first :P It's so confusing cuz I get told by people I hardly even know (normally adults) that "oh you're so GORGEOUS! you should be a MODEL!" and maybe its just an adult thing but I hardly get the time of day from the people I WANT to have attracted to me, I just get exes and creepers :(

WHY IS THE WORLD SO DAMN CONFUSING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

more thoughts later!

I'M BAAAACK! & 1300 things to be grateful for, week 4/5

hey there! I'm back from Florida! I miss it already :( It's so cold here compared to Florida... it's like getting out of the hot tub and jumping into a pool of ice water... brrrr.
But I had a FANTASTIC time, I hope I can go again someday. It truly was an awesome experience! I think I might post a few videos or something that me and my friend made so you can see how insane we were.... yeah... good memories.. hehe :) onto the list of things to be grateful for!!!!

51: Florida!
52: Butterbeer
53: Fish and Chips... DELICIOUS!
54: the incredible magical experience of universal and Disney
55: how much love my family showed me when I got home, even if it lasted only for a few minutes
56: Dylan Saunders and his incredibly sexy voice when he sings this song

1300 things to be grateful for, week 3. VACATION!!!!

hey there world!!! I'm in Bluefeild West Virginia on vacation.... I'm leaving for Florida in... 2 days!!!! I'm so excited! I'm on a vacation with a friend to Florida with NO FAMILY AT ALL' WHATSOEVER! it's crazy!!! Last night I stayed up until 5 watching the musical "starship" on youtube... it was AWESOME! it's about a bug on an alien planet who wants to be a starship ranger, SO funny, cute and epic!!! :)

so I'm gonna do my week 3 of 1300 things to be grateful for now!

41. creative geniuses who make witty musicals
42. the amazing invention of the webcam, may it entertain bored teens for years to come
43. Surprise vacations
44. long road trips that feel crazy short
45. Being able to sing Lady GAGA's "poker face" at 4 in the morning
46. Bugs that sing how they wanna be starship rangers
47. Fun songs that get stuck in your head
48. Glee, for showing me old songs that I now love and sing along with
49. cute puppies who are ADORABLE!!
50. that magical moment when you and your friend wake up at EXACTLY the same moment.

I may possibly post videos instead of writing posts (maybe)
so look forward to that!!!

1300 things to be greatful for, week 3

31. the calming hum of cicadas in the middle of the day
32. money to buy new clothes
33. Friends, old and new
34. poetry
35. the many people who inspire me
36. crickets in the early hours of the night
37. internet that works
38. my little sister, who is teaching me how to become a better oldest sister
39. books, and their endless amounts of entertainment
40. pants that fit perfectly

1300 things to be greatful for, week 2

21. Learning new things that you never thought you'd learn
22. Sitting on the porch with neighbors, watching the sun set
23. The beauty of sound
24. A GREAT book
25. The knowledge that there's SOMEONE out there that cares
26. The sound of leaves in the wind
27. My cats!
28. Having a place (my blogs) where I can rant my feelings
29. Shooting stars
30. bug spray

I hope no one reads this...

At least I hope none of my friends do... cuz I'm gonna talk about them....
WARNING THIS IS A RANT!
As my life has gone on and I've been I guess... finding myself or whatever, Ive found that the more I learn about me, the less I REALLY know... and I think I know why.. It's my friends.. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY love them, I REALLY, REALLY do but it's almost like they're holding me back without knowing it. and this doesn't go for all of my friends, just a vast majority of them. It's really hard to become your authentic self when every time you're with your friends you're ridiculed. I know they don't mean it to be mean, but I don't like being called a dork for liking British TV shows and Broadway musicals. I don't like being called a nerd for actually liking books and having a GPA higher than a 3.0 OR for actually ENJOYING school (gasp! the horror!) and not moping around complaining how much I hate it. I don't like being told that my music I like is stupid and I should listen to songs where people are screaming like pigs about death and killing themselves. I don't like how I can't have a freaking intellectual conversation with basically ANY of my friends. I don't like that none of my friends care about how my life is going. I don't like that because I won't go out with any of the 5 guys that have asked me out I'm called a bitch. I don't like that the only people who REALLY understand me are my mom and a girl I've hung out with ONCE. I don't like how my friends have NO self-esteem and it makes me feel like a jerk because I DO. I don't like how my friends joke about how weak I am. I don't like how I'm basically made fun of EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY because I actually CARE how I do in school, I CARE about myself, I CARE ABOUT LIFE!

I DON'T LIKE HOW MY FRIENDS TREAT ME!

wow... this got really angry, really fast... but anyways.. I'm thinking I might need to find a couple new friends that can help me with my dilemma... all I can do now is pray that I can find some...