I have a secret

Soo... Im pretty damn glad no one reads this cuz things are about to get personal (when i mean personal, i mean im gonna talk about myself.. But i do that a lot here)
Anyways, i might seem really self-centered on this blog.. I talk about me and my problems a LOT.. but its cuz i rarely get to do that in real life, since i havent been able to talk to my best friend lately the only other person im okay talking about this is with my mom. Weird i know, but shes pretty awesome with like... Everything.. But theres a pretty big difference about talking about your problems to your mom than with a friend.. I totally love this blog cuz i can write so much in it and i know that my blog wont juge me, or tell me im wrong, or try to fix me.. Which is what a lot of people do. And a lot of the time, if i tell my friends something personal, i feel like a cranky bitch because most of the time they just stop me and just tell me how terrible their lives are.. It sucks.
But ive been stalling and stuff so ill just say it.. I think i have the beginning of an eating disorder... Im not full blown yet.. So its good that ive identified it but still.. When you're someone like me who is used to being the savior of other people, who thinks that their isnt anything MAJORLY wrong with them... Its just... Wow...
This came to my attention when we did a food diary for one of my biomed classes... I eat only around half the calories i should every day.. Sometimes less! When i was filling it out every day i was always like "i HAVE to have eaten more than this! There is no way i eat this little" and its not like i force myself NOT to eat, i dont think im fat, i just forget. Ill be doing something and just the thought of eating seems less important than what im doing at the moment, before i know it, ive missed a meal. Its so scary because ive been sleeping more and more and having less energy... I just want to talk to someone, i really am freaked out and i just want to vent my feelings to someone and just have them listen. I dont want them to fix me, i dont want them to freak out, i just want them to understand, i want them to tell me itll be ok... I just want to be supported by someone other than my mom. To a lot of people i know, this is nothing. I dont cut myself, i dont do drugs or drink, im not abused every day, and not currently suffering from any disease. But this is scary for ME. What if it gets worse? What if i have to be sent to one of those places that they force feed you and give you medicine every day? I dont want to be this way, having to FORCE myself to eat every day, eating a full meal is HARD for me, its not supposed to be that way.
Even though i have support from my mom, who reminds me to eat every day and makes sure i eat it all. I feel so lonely, im like a scared little kid, and i just dont know what to do.
Im surrounded by so many people who care about me, who think they know me.. But they dont.. They never have seen me cry, theyve never seen me as anyone but "happy kayla" and its like the world is over if im not happy.
Im sorry, im venting too much, that is good for another blog... The point is. Im ill, and im scared and lonely. I hate this!

Oh dear me...

Soo... Its a free period and i was able to get internet access from the choir room! Hopefully my ipod doesnt crash on me :P anyways, im bored and tired and dont really want to be here! Its the last day of "classes" before exams and winter break so of course all we have to do is socialize and do nothing. Not REALLY trying to complain but it does make the day pretty long since i havent really had to use my brain at all... AND keep in mind i dont really have anyone to socialize WITH... Yeah, life is rough... But hopefully when the musical starts ill become better friends with the people i WANT to hang out with!!!
Well, class is almost over~

Getting ready for exams

So, exam week is next week.. And i guess our teachers just went "oh shit! I havent given them this test or homework!! I guess ill give it to them now!" during one of the busiest weeks i have!!!! Ive gotten so many freaking exam packets that take hours and two midterm projects that are famous for taking days to complete... And btw, its only wednesday! Why is it that the week before a holiday is like.. The longest week EVER! Grrr... And not really having someone (keely) to talk to or hang out with makes this week just... Blah... Im sorry for venting so much to you blog, this week has just been so stressful and im back in my lonely phase, so basically... Im not a happy camper!!! I miss having friends Nd some form of a life :'(

I missed you!

Hello dear blog! Its been a while! And i am so sorry :'( i feel like I've cheated! Ive been pretty active in tumblr and school that i forgot about you! (sad, i know!) but it just wasn't the same! I haven't had a place where i can just spill all my feelings and not feel totally self-centered about it... But here i CAN do that! You're like an ex boyfriend that after a while you miss and just always go back to, you were my first love dear blog! So anyways, I'm gonna talk about my life now...
Life has been boring and stressful at the same time. Boring because there isn't anything interesting, fun, or exciting that has really happened to me since i went to south Carolina a few months ago (i went with keely:D). But its been stressful because of school, classes have been getting harder and more intense (so has the workload) and i came across one of the most evil, horrible teachers i have ever met in my whole life... My Spanish teacher. Now dear blog, you may be saying to yourself "oh shes just an overreacting teen, whatever!" but no joke, if the devil was a girl with a super heavy Colombian accent, it would be her. And blog, keep in mind that i NEVER feel this way about teachers! But this teacher is a flat out bully!!! She picks on kids, tells the class how "sad" or "pathetic" we are. She even went to such lengths by asking me if i did my homework hungover b/c it wasn't perfect!!! And i am NOT exaggerating this :/ but it all was an unpleasant affair and now I'm dropping the class at the end of the semester *insert hallelujah chorus here*
Im also going through the whole stereotypical high school pains of i dont really BELONG anywhere, im a drifter who flits between different groups because i dont really fit into any place.. Its really very frustrating! I thought i was over this last year.. But of course i "outgrew" my old friends so im like "just let me belong somewhere! I dont like being a loner!!!!" cuz you know, im that kid who stands in the corner because im not quite brave enough to say hi or join a conversation because im seriously afraid of being judged by other people and im shy... I dont like it! And of course with my luck ill find some group of friends im comfortable with and then itll be time to graduate! :(
I do have one friend, keely, but we havent talked a lot, she has a lot of bad stuff going on in her life so when i try to talk to her, she doesnt really open up or respond... I really miss talking with her all the time, i understand her situation and stuff but... I miss talking with one of my closest friends!
So thats me! A big ball of stress and a loner! What else is new? :P
Ahhh typing about my life is so wonderful! I really missed you my dear blog!!!!!!

Good news!!! :)

So.. Although i have yet to get a new computer i have the next best thing (at least in my opinion)... AN IPOD TOUCH!!!
Im seriously so super excited to have this! Its like a little mini computer..just with a sucky battery.
So nothing really super exciting has happened, ive just had school and homwwork really. Although i have to say that ive been spendimg time with my friend Keely about every weekend, shes kinda becoming one of my closest friends right now. We are still in that " Even though I enjoy your company i dunno if i should tell you EVERYTHING quite yet" phases. I do have to say that we have had times that we just blurt our whatever is going on in our lives.. But an awkward silence normally follows. I Am SO super determined to become good friends with her. We started hanging out last year a few times but my friends drama kinda took over my life and we stopped hanging out for a while.
In other news, ive started reading the hunger games and OH MY GOSH they are AMAZING!!!! I reccomend everyone and anyone to read this series, its AWESOME!
Thats all i really have to say right now... Im prolly gonna go back to reading now :)
~more thoughts later

Computer is out of commision :(

So, I've been in school for a few weeks now, it's been crazy! I THINK I'm enjoying myself... not sure though.. the huge workload I have from homework is putting a damper on everything (yesterday I had 7 hours of homework!) and the worst part is I don't have computer access except for at my dad's house! we had a thunder storm and it was REALLY bad and we later found out that it fried our computer and whatever connects us to the internet... sucks for me!

In other news my friend just got out of the hospital, she attempted suicide and was hospitalized.... it was crazy.. I ended up telling her I couldn't be her friend until she started caring about her life so yeah..... I'm going to postpone my 1300 things to be grateful for until I have more regular computer access :)
ciao!

Back to school

So.... school has started, I have to say I have a feeling this year is gonna kick my butt! It's only been 3 days and one of my teachers has already assigned a quiz for next week! I'm gonna have to get used to studying now :P

But an upside to school is I've already been asked to homecoming~ It's my friend Tony, I've dated him once but I think he likes me again :P I'm honestly not interested in dating him, at all... but I AM interested in having a date to homecoming!!! it made me so excited :D I think he's one of the only guys that I'm not interested in dating but would be totally comfortable as having a date to Homecoming, he's one of my best guy friends and I think he's pretty cool so I'm pretty thrilled to go with him!!

Another upside to school is I have choir with TWO guys I like!!! It's so awesome!!! My friend convinced me to try to talk to one of them on Monday, I REALLY hope one of them likes me (maybe not now, but in the near future) because I know I'm not ugly but I'm not the cookie cutter girl who has the same hair as everyone and the same designer cloths (or knockoffs) but they always get the guys... it makes me so mad, like, why would you want to date someone who looks almost exactly the same as the next girl? And I know I have personality, I'm just shy at first :P It's so confusing cuz I get told by people I hardly even know (normally adults) that "oh you're so GORGEOUS! you should be a MODEL!" and maybe its just an adult thing but I hardly get the time of day from the people I WANT to have attracted to me, I just get exes and creepers :(

WHY IS THE WORLD SO DAMN CONFUSING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

more thoughts later!

I'M BAAAACK! & 1300 things to be grateful for, week 4/5

hey there! I'm back from Florida! I miss it already :( It's so cold here compared to Florida... it's like getting out of the hot tub and jumping into a pool of ice water... brrrr.
But I had a FANTASTIC time, I hope I can go again someday. It truly was an awesome experience! I think I might post a few videos or something that me and my friend made so you can see how insane we were.... yeah... good memories.. hehe :) onto the list of things to be grateful for!!!!

51: Florida!
52: Butterbeer
53: Fish and Chips... DELICIOUS!
54: the incredible magical experience of universal and Disney
55: how much love my family showed me when I got home, even if it lasted only for a few minutes
56: Dylan Saunders and his incredibly sexy voice when he sings this song

1300 things to be grateful for, week 3. VACATION!!!!

hey there world!!! I'm in Bluefeild West Virginia on vacation.... I'm leaving for Florida in... 2 days!!!! I'm so excited! I'm on a vacation with a friend to Florida with NO FAMILY AT ALL' WHATSOEVER! it's crazy!!! Last night I stayed up until 5 watching the musical "starship" on youtube... it was AWESOME! it's about a bug on an alien planet who wants to be a starship ranger, SO funny, cute and epic!!! :)

so I'm gonna do my week 3 of 1300 things to be grateful for now!

41. creative geniuses who make witty musicals
42. the amazing invention of the webcam, may it entertain bored teens for years to come
43. Surprise vacations
44. long road trips that feel crazy short
45. Being able to sing Lady GAGA's "poker face" at 4 in the morning
46. Bugs that sing how they wanna be starship rangers
47. Fun songs that get stuck in your head
48. Glee, for showing me old songs that I now love and sing along with
49. cute puppies who are ADORABLE!!
50. that magical moment when you and your friend wake up at EXACTLY the same moment.

I may possibly post videos instead of writing posts (maybe)
so look forward to that!!!

1300 things to be greatful for, week 3

31. the calming hum of cicadas in the middle of the day
32. money to buy new clothes
33. Friends, old and new
34. poetry
35. the many people who inspire me
36. crickets in the early hours of the night
37. internet that works
38. my little sister, who is teaching me how to become a better oldest sister
39. books, and their endless amounts of entertainment
40. pants that fit perfectly

1300 things to be greatful for, week 2

21. Learning new things that you never thought you'd learn
22. Sitting on the porch with neighbors, watching the sun set
23. The beauty of sound
24. A GREAT book
25. The knowledge that there's SOMEONE out there that cares
26. The sound of leaves in the wind
27. My cats!
28. Having a place (my blogs) where I can rant my feelings
29. Shooting stars
30. bug spray

I hope no one reads this...

At least I hope none of my friends do... cuz I'm gonna talk about them....
WARNING THIS IS A RANT!
As my life has gone on and I've been I guess... finding myself or whatever, Ive found that the more I learn about me, the less I REALLY know... and I think I know why.. It's my friends.. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY love them, I REALLY, REALLY do but it's almost like they're holding me back without knowing it. and this doesn't go for all of my friends, just a vast majority of them. It's really hard to become your authentic self when every time you're with your friends you're ridiculed. I know they don't mean it to be mean, but I don't like being called a dork for liking British TV shows and Broadway musicals. I don't like being called a nerd for actually liking books and having a GPA higher than a 3.0 OR for actually ENJOYING school (gasp! the horror!) and not moping around complaining how much I hate it. I don't like being told that my music I like is stupid and I should listen to songs where people are screaming like pigs about death and killing themselves. I don't like how I can't have a freaking intellectual conversation with basically ANY of my friends. I don't like that none of my friends care about how my life is going. I don't like that because I won't go out with any of the 5 guys that have asked me out I'm called a bitch. I don't like that the only people who REALLY understand me are my mom and a girl I've hung out with ONCE. I don't like how my friends have NO self-esteem and it makes me feel like a jerk because I DO. I don't like how my friends joke about how weak I am. I don't like how I'm basically made fun of EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY because I actually CARE how I do in school, I CARE about myself, I CARE ABOUT LIFE!

I DON'T LIKE HOW MY FRIENDS TREAT ME!

wow... this got really angry, really fast... but anyways.. I'm thinking I might need to find a couple new friends that can help me with my dilemma... all I can do now is pray that I can find some...

Taking the heat

I'm not good at it... at all... It makes me cranky and easily angered and I don't like it.. murr... My family isn't good at living in the heat either my sister is screaming her head off because she's bored, my brother locked himself in his room because he's mad at my sister and I'm about to snap... grr.. I wanna go somewhere but it's too hot to go anywhere and my body is like in a "I don't want to move unless i absolutely have to because it's too damn hot" mode so... ahhh!!! I need help D:

1300 things to be greatful for, week 1

So, I've decided to do this thing called "1300 things to be grateful for" I'll try to get on like.. once a week to post this segment, I think it'll be a good challenge and I'll do my best to keep up with this! sooooo here we go~
1. a good cup of coffee
2. a mother who is always there for you
3. chocolate... yes, chocolate
4. falling asleep to thunderstorms
5. waking up to birds chirping
6. having air conditioning in my room
7. finding a friend who is like your "soul mate"
8. a good cry
9. a hand to hold when you need it most
10.yoga
11.Dr. Who
12.great music to blast when you're in a bad mood
13.a good book to curl up to
14.Harry Potter
15.The smell of the air after a storm
16.A cool breeze when you need it most
17.The feeling that you're flying when you bike down a hill really fast
18.the color blue
19.conversations that could go on for hours
20.A perfect hair day

Late on posting this but...

Just wanted to say Harry Potter was AWESOME! i had a great time. I went to the 12:02 showing on Friday Morning and got special harry potter 3D glasses, fun, fun, fun! It wasn't as much of a mind-blowing experience as the last movie, the crowd was ok i guess but last year they were INSANE and totally into character and I knew no one so it was kinda weird.. but the movie itself was good and it was good closure for me.. kinda sad though, it's been part of my life for the past 10-ish years and it's... over... SO.VERY.WEIRD!!! But other than Harry Potter I haven't had anything super exciting happen to me... so... yeah...
more thoughts later~

Conversations over coffe are awesome

Happy 100th post!!!! yay!!!!!

So, Today I had one of the most fantastic days ever. I met a friend that I haven't seen all summer and had coffee, we started talking and OH. MY. GOSH. she was AMAZING to talk to! we started having a REALLY deep conversation (something I've wanted from someone my age in FOREVER) unlike my group of friends she didn't shut down on me when we got to some really sensitive stuff, she was very open and WE BOTH GOT TO TALK! it wasn't all about me and it wasn't all about her, it was perfect... words cannot describe how fulfilling this conversation was... it was just... deep and just, so cleansing. I was biking home from having coffee and my soul just felt a billion times lighter. It's one thing to talk to someone older and "wiser" about stuff that's happened in the past and relating to it, but it's another thing to talk to someone my age and just to be completely 100% able to relate to things... ah... It was FANTASTIC!

just thought you should know :)

more thoughts later~

What I do at midnight

So I had a sleepover with a friend, the same friend I had that terrible scare with a while ago and the same friend that I haven't really talked to really at all since that happened... I missed her! So, we decided that we would sneak out last night during our sleepover after her grandparents went to sleep and walk around town/her neighborhood. So, if you haven't noticed from my past posts... I am NOT a rule breaker... I REALLY hate breaking rules.. and by sneaking out and walking around at midnight or so was breaking legal curfew... oooh terrible, I know... but she got me to leave and I was TOTALLY convinced that we would get caught by the police and get in trouble or get raped and murdered or something.. so basically I was paranoid for the beginning half of us walking around town. Most of the time we talked about things that didn't really matter that much, mostly it was how freaked out I was or how she felt the same way when she first sneaked out. We walked to the local park and sat on the swings, talked about music and how creepy those two cars in the parking lot of the park were, we could see the silhouette of SOMEONE in the front seat of one of the cars who was moving like crazy.. we took guesses about what he was doing (most of them were very inappropriate) but eventually we had to go because of being eaten up by bugs and the sudden urgency to pee, so we went home, took care of business and went back outside and looked at the stars. As I look back on this experience, I have to say it was one of the best I've had... I just wanted to share it with all of you lovely people :)

(P.S SO close to 100 posts!!)

more thoughts later~

Tumblr

So... as I went about my daily boredom stuff, I came across Tumbler... yes.. I made a NEW blog... No! do not fear! it is not the end for us, just a new beginning!! I'm going to try to do TWO blogs at the same time... just for entertainment and to challenge myself :) but never forget my dear blog that you are my first love, and always will be~ And I promise that I will find more interesting things to blog about other than my rants about how boring my life is... hopefully... but yes! you can go to my tumblr HERE! if anyone actually reads this come support my new baby blog so it can grow big and strong

more thoughts later!

The heat.... it's getting to me!

hello my blog, we are nearing the 100th post in our relationship over the past year, I guess it's a serious milestone :) yay for us! (I'll prolly celebrate more when I actually reach 100 posts...) so... I ran a 2 mile race on the 4th of July, I finished in 22:16 so... yay for me! but it seriously kicked my butt.... I also watched the fireworks with some of my friends that I havent seen in a long while so that was fun.... Tuesday I went to my moms meeting, I really enjoyed it, I also got a fedora... I'm getting hats :D hats are fun! but other than the past news I really have nothing to talk about.... at least nothing EXCITING.. no boys... no drama (thank god) I also haven't had contact with many people (other than my best friends mom... kinda weird but we work out together, it's kinda nice though..) but that makes me sad, I like people and I like having reasons to get out of my 90 degree house.... ah house.... how I hate you so in the summer... with your lack of air conditioning and all that...maybe-
maybe just someday I'll love you again... when you have the ability to have a steady temperature of 68-70.... yes, I'll dream of those days that are hopefully soon to come... I really hope I can do something soon.. I'm getting a little stir crazy... can you tell??

more thoughts later~

Sulking about summer

So, I have no idea what to talk about today.. yet I feel extremely obligated to blog SOMETHING... where this urge to randomly blog comes from... I have NO idea... but my life is extremely boring at the moment.. I am boyfriendless, I am not going anywhere super exciting until the END of summer and unfortunately I don't have the ability to have some random adventure in my hometown because it's SO BORING!!!! my life right now kinda feels like the lyrics to "bigcitydreams" by Nevershoutnever! they are as follows:

"We've got it good
Whether you like this town or not
I know it's small but with a big head
it's bound to get hot
In the summer
But the summer is a bummer
If you can't leave
This pathetic excuse for a town"

yes, my town has like... no crime or any reason to live in fear, but it seriously is boring here... I think the Jaycee fair (which is a fair that totally rips you off and cost a HUGE amount of money to do anything) and the 4th of July fireworks are the most exciting things my town has to offer during the summer... I'm sorry for being such a downer in this post but I WANNA DO SOMETHING EXCITING THIS SUMMER!!!!!!!!! grr....

well.... today I ate an ice cream sandwich in the shape of a fish (seriously, YUM!) and I had dried squid...(not yum...) unfortunately I was feeling adventurous today and while I was searching for something crazy to eat I came across a bag of dried squid and I though "man! that looks awesome! I'll try it!" as soon as I opened the bag it smelled like the ocean... not the "ahhhhh, the ocean..." relaxing smell it was like the "ugh..... the ocean" dead fish kinda smell... and the taste was... very.... overpowering is the right word... as soon as I took a bite of it I felt like I had been whacked in the face with a big bag of dead fish... yeah...

So while I sulk over how boring my summer is I'll try to find something interesting to write about... or possibly DO something interesting to write about (gasp! is it possible?!)

more thoughts later~

UGH! I did it again!

I TOTALLY forgot about blogging!!! I'msorryi'msorryi'mohsosorry!!!!!!!! unfortunately I haven't had anything exciting happening lately... I have a job.... oh! I've started this 5 week workout thing! (insert excited jazz hands here) I'm on week 2 now, the first week kinda kicked my butt but now its relatively easy... except the cardio workouts kick your butt.. and they can be extremely painful... yeah... soon I will be going on 7 months without a boyfriend.. I'm kinda proud of myself and kinda lonely at the same time it's like "hey! I've survived almost 7 months without a man! hear me roar!" combined with me having a hard time watching chick flicks cuz they ALWAYS LIVE FRIKKIN HAPPILY EVER AFTER....... WITH A MAN! and it's always... disappointing for me cus it's the whole "why can't I have that?" and you remind yourself it's only a movie but you still wanna have SOMETHING like that...UGH! yeah.... I'm gonna stop my ranting and move on to more important things now. unfortunately other than my guy problems I have nothing more to write about so.. ciao

Maybe Next to Normal...

so, I think I've had the most emotionally charged couple days that I've ever had in a VERY long time... I watched my friend run into the street trying to get hit by a car, I cried in her arms that night when she slept over because i was so scared for her but so thankful she was alive. I had a LOT of conversations about how families suck and shit like that, after a while I got really tired of it.. two days of just talking about other people and how THEY can feel better about themselves... I wanted to focus my energy on MYSELF...

That time came last night, my mom and I went to see Next to Normal, the musical I've been addicted to for the past year... It was.... Amazing... like, it was so amazing I dunno how to put it into words. It was the most powerful and just superb musical ever.. I guess it helps that I had an emotional connection to the musical before ever watching it. My mom cried like a baby for the first act, I cried like a baby for the second act. but it wasn't sad crying, well, at least not for me. I cried because I was thankful, I was thankful that someone had captured what my life was like.. almost perfectly.. It was like "woah, someone understands, all these people who are sobbing their eyes out all understand.. I'm not alone here!" I know I wasn't alone in my situation but the experience kind of validated my feelings and also made me think "thank you god for not letting me be in that situation anymore" It was... AMAZING.... so yeah... EVERYONE should see this musical! I love it even more since I've seen it, I have a much deeper connection with the music now... yeah... now I'm just blabbing like a dork now..

more thoughts later~

sleepy + boredom = blogging

so... I'm trying to blog more often.. let's do this thang!

Well, it's a weekend at my dad's house.. I have no phone (I lost it...) and no Dr. Who.. (terrible, I know!) so, I guess I'm dedicating my weekend to a kinda "find out who I truly am" kinda thing... I've been exploring music and stuff like that, just trying to find out who I am... I'm actually questioning my faith and I'm discovering how very hippie-like I am!.. but seriously.. It's really strange, it's like I'm basically challenging my very existence.. I'm also finding that I'm NOT going to stay in my little town once I'm done with school.. I just don't fit here, my town is full of conformists and honestly, I hate it. I'm even starting to hate the cloths, the music, and some of the people, they're all the same. Since I visited NYC last summer... it's like how I see things is totally different, I know what else is out there, ugh.. it's so hard to explain while I'm so tired.. maybe if I sleep I can do a better job writing stuff... I'll get back to you on this subject!
(PS: I'm closing in on 100 posts!!! ahaha i feel like I should celebrate or something!)

Wow!

Today was THE LAST DAY OF CLASSES! that's right, I no longer have to wake up at 5:30 to do my hair and makeup (well, not for 3 more months anyway) I no longer have to deal with drama with friends EVERY DAY! I can do whatever I damn well please!(within the legal limits/what my mom approves of) I still have 2 exams I have to take Monday, but nothing else, I'm free! I'm free!~

But today was a pretty awesome last day of school, there's a substitute teacher that kind of made my day though. In study hall this guy, Mr. Wiley (who reminds me of a leprechaun) came in and started playing the piano and it was some songs I knew, so me and a bunch of people were singing songs ALL study hall and it made me extremely happy. Ah, the little things in life :)

I'm also somewhat angry, my choir teacher said that she'd post the results of the ensemble audition after school today. And after shaking from anticipation ALL of my last period class and SPRINTING to see the results.... nothing.... no results.... someone went and asked why they didn't post them and they said "well, we're not comfortable releasing the results yet" *insert oh poor me sigh here* I'd just like to know: if you have the results, and you KNOW that a LOT of the people who auditioned are excused from exams (because we're smart) WHYYYYY wouldn't you post them on THE LAST DAY OF CLASSES?!?!?!?!?!?! now I have to wait ALL weekend, and knowing the people in charge, they won't post the results until TUESDAY! and I don't have exams Tuesday!!! *groans* oh the agony! the anticipation! you should have seen all the disappointed faces when they saw NO RESULTS.... we just kind of stood there for a while... just wishing that they might come over and post the results... ah F****.... but other than that disappointment I'm in a pretty good mood! now I just need to find something to do tomorrow because none of my friends are excused from tomorrows exams and apparently my sister doesn't have to go to school.... so I might possibly go insane from lack of entertainment, OR from my sister driving me loco! so... pray for my poor soul... please...

Catch up and finding myself

So, I have yet again neglected you my poor blog! (yet again I am REALLY sorry) I've had a pretty busy end of the school year, not quite over yet, this coming week is the last week of "School" but then we have exams.. I'm exempt from all my exams except my math and spanish exam (not sure about English yet, haven't found out results yet) so i have 4 1/2-ish days of school left (yay!!)

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4, I really liked it! you should watch it :) I have ensemble auditions coming up on Tuesday (yikes! so nervous!)I'm aiming for Hi-Lo's again, but knowing my luck I'll be in Hi-Notes, I'm fine with that, but I REALLY wanna be in Hi-Lo's they get to do SO much more stuff and... yeah!I went to the beach today, I really enjoyed it but now I have the mother of all sunburns and I HURT... it's lovely.. but I have the skin that turns my sunburns into great tans pretty darn fast.. hopefully my burn is gone by tuesday.

I think the most exciting thing that happened to me was I found myself, you know those movies when the main character has to go through a whole bunch of drama or some totally unrealistic scenario and at the end they say "I finally realized that all I have to be is myself to be truly happy" or something along those lines? yeah, and they just end up being just like everyone else or whatever. well, fortunately I didn't have to have any crazy drama or impossible scenario to find who I was, I just was watching videos of a singer I liked, it just clicked, totally "AH HA!" moment. the clothing, the music, the mindset, it totally fit my personality, it totally fit ME! Truthfully when it all set in I started freaking out with happiness, I actually ran to my mom and almost screamed "MOM! I'm an Indie type of person!! I'm so happy!!!" she just looked at me and said "yeah, I knew that, you're totally Indie, I'm into Indie stuff to!" we started listening to indie music together and I was just in a state of bliss, I still am! So, my description of this epiphany is REALLY bad... but it was REALLY life changing for me, since middle school I've been going through the whole "who the hell am I?" phase and NOTHING would ever fit, this did, I'm in extreme happy mode and I just wanted to share my happiness with you!

More thoughts later~

a thousand pardons....

I tend to have this REALLY bad habit of going weeks without blogging, it's not that I have anything better to do, or that I don't have computer access.. I just don't blog. So, I'm sorry, I just really need to blog more, it makes me feel a lot better when I go on long writing rants.

So, I dunno if anyone really reads this, not that I really care, I enjoy blogging and even if I have a bazillion readers or none at all I still am gonna write. But I've realized that I REALLY crave educated, philosophical conversations. Unfortunately my group of friends are not one for any sort of educated conversation, it makes me sad... That's why I'm so excited for college 'cuz then I'll be much more likely to find friends with the same interests and smartness... I'm not saying my friends are smart, they are.. But I always feel like I'm better than them and I feel terrible for it, I don't like feeling better than people, I like there being others that are better than me. I'm also not saying there aren't people better than me, I just don't have the ability to talk to them. The most educated conversations I've had are with my teachers, but I never get to get REALLY good conversations with them. That's the one thing I miss about Fieldcrest (my old school) in 7th grade, there were a LOT of philosophical conversations that I had there. I remember one day we had an overnight at the school and I talked with some teachers and some of my friends until 3 am about.. everything, life death, hidden meanings, some stuff like that. I really do miss that. I think my friends have the ability to talk like that but they don't wanna open up about that kind of thing or they just don't care. I want to meet someone who cares, who's willing to talk about the "what ifs" or the "maybes", someone willing to talk about the big picture in life and isn't focused on their stupid high school drama that's happening that moment.

I strongly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. when I say something like that my friends either nod their heads or give me a blank stare. Do they even know what I'm talking about? Is it possible that this drama of So-and-so breaking up with me has PURPOSE other than ruining my life? I really do love my friends, don't get me wrong. But it's so frustrating when you can't converse in the way you think, you have to dumb it down, or the type of music you listen to your friends think is garbage, or when you sing they tell you to shut up because they think the song you're singing is stupid. I never thought I'd have friends like this. I thought I'd be a theater geek surrounded by other theater geeks, singing on the bus and conversing about the tragic storyline of "West Side Story" or where we'd audition next. Instead I have friends who only go to my performances because I'm in them or I beg them to come.

Sometimes I just feel so alone, I just want to be friends with someone who is similar to me, not the exact opposite...

More thoughts later

terrible weekends, jobs, and vloging

I found out that two weekends in a row at my dads house = a mental breakdown on my part. this was NOT a good weekend for me... at ALL.. it involved lots of tears and temporary loss of sanity..yeah.. it was bad. So because my mom is the awesome person that she is, she let me have a mental health day so I wouldn't lose my flipping mind. I needed it, like, REALLY needed it! That mental health day helped me screw my head back on and made me feel like I can totally tackle the rest of the school year w/o getting sick or losing my mind again :).... wait... that didn't sound good.. for me, that's good! but anyways, today is my first day of work, I'm working at a greenhouse, I'll be working as a cashier and all that fun stuff... but I'll be getting paid so that's what matters~ also, I'm thinking of starting vloging,I have a video camera that I never use, I also have a whole lot of time that I never use so I could spend my time doing that! but yeah, I'll start vloging soon (hopefully)
more thoughts later~

my long weekend with Dr. Who

so for the duration of my 4 day weekend this is what I've done:

Hung out with a friend
went to a sweet 16 birthday party at chuck-e-cheese's
stuffed my face with candy
won $2 in my dads easter egg hunt
got a job at a local greenhouse (yay!)
but what I spent the most time doing, out of ANYTHING here... because I'm a dork and am still trying to grow out of my antisocial-ness (but this does not help in ANY way)... is watching Dr. Who... I love that show, I really do.. the writers are brilliant and often make my jaw drop at how creative they are..I for one am NOT a fan of alien movies or believe in aliens or am an alien fanatic/enthusiast. But I AM a fan of a hot guy traveling through time and space in a blue police box that's bigger on the inside because it's a Time And Relative Dimension In Space (TARDIS) and saving the universe from alien invasions or other things that are (in our world) impossible... yeah... I wouldn't mind THAT being reality.. but I think in the duration of this 4 day weekend I saw the end of the universe... I think around 3 times... saw the ending I always wanted for a certain character (but not at all in the way I expected it) and basically satisfied my extreme dorkiness...well, time to go to school!

more thoughts later <3

Good friday

hello blog!

it's been nearly a week since I've last written (but I've thought of writing several times) but before I write anything important, my modeling audition was a scam and a waste of 5+ hours... shame :'(

So today is a day known to my catholic family as Good Friday, which is why I think basically all schools get today off, so we can pray. We're praying today 'cuz Jesus died on this day. What's supposed to happen (in the Catholic tradition) is today is a day of fasting and prayer and at 3 pm we are silent and then pray on the Rosary "for the sake of his sorrowful passion". But since my straight laced Catholic family is really no longer a seriously practicing Catholic family since my parents got divorced, my mom's taking the kids to day care so she can go to work, I'm going to a friends house and my sister is at my dads house. So on my end, I'm gonna be having a grand old time stuffing my face and being a crazy person while the rest of my religion mourns the death of Jesus. Yeah, thats just the way I roll I guess...

Another thing that I'd like to tell you bolg is out of all my friends I'm the only one that's gone for almost 4 months w/o dating ANYONE... and I'm kinda lonely I guess. Sure, I have the company of my awesome friends but.. I kinda would like to have a boyfriend again... someone who's not a jerk.. yeah....

more thoughts later

Goals and ASL

Hello my dear an lovely blog!

This weekend has been one of those weekends that you expect to do nothing but find out you'll hardly be home... yeah, other than yesterday I've had a pretty busy weekend and today will definitely be the busiest and what sucks is I have to finish up my english project stuff but I don't have time! (GRAWR!) I'll probably have another night staying up until 11:30 or so working on this project (dear God I hope not) But I REALLY don't wanna be a zombie again on Monday :/

Since I last posted I've made a couple goals (both involve my mother) I want to take a yoga class with her and I want to learn ASL with her. The first goal was inspired by a TV show my family and I enjoy watching and the other was inspired last night.

Last night my mom took me and my little sister, Mary (not the evil one), to see a deaf storyteller (the guy had an interpreter). Her main reason for going was for business, she's the project manager (or something along those lines) for a deaf study at Kent state University, so she was gonna hand out fliers and stuff at the end. The place was packed with both deaf and hearing people to see this storyteller, the show opened with a deaf choir signing to "I believe I can fly", it was really great, I was really impressed with the soul they put into a song that they couldn't hear. Then after a long introduction the storyteller came out, he was AMAZING!He told us all these hilarious stories and had a couple little skits that involved some of the deaf (or people that could sign) in the audience. This man was so inspiring, he had so much energy and emotion and everyone loved him, during most of his stories I was almost crying from laughing so hard, but I felt that I could've gotten more out of the experience if I understood sign language. So at the end of the show my mom was looking for some people she knew were deaf from other events she went to and asked me to hand a flier to a deaf kid that was in one of the skits, so I did and I was able to sign to him "I don't know ASL" and he said he knew and I handed him the flier and said something to his friend (who my mom gave a flier to earlier) I'm pretty sure he asked if they got money from doing the study and his friend said yes and they both got really excited. It was so strange there though, it was like culture shock.. there were hundreds of conversations going on at once but hardly any sound other than the non- deaf people talking. and after every skit the applause was silent because we were waving our hands like jazz hands to represent applause instead of actually clapping. it was actually really cool.

But now my dear blog, I need to go worship god for an hour or so, go to Kent, go to my modeling audition and THEN look at colleges some more with my mom. wish me luck~!

more thoughts later

my weekend

so, my friend came over Thursday night because she got kicked out of her house (read previous post) and I haven't blogged since then... it wasn't bad, she told me what happened and it made me completely lose respect for a girl I had hardly any respect for, I won't reveal any details, but what she did was low and if I could punch hard and could deal with the guilt of punching someone I would knock her out, but because I can do neither I just have to live with the fact that she's a bitch.

But other than my piece of drama there I really have done nothing special this weekend. It really only consisted of sleeping, eating, and watching Dr. Who. and even then I didn't eat much (I think like 3 "meals" it was pathetic.) But if you know me, I DO enjoy Dr. Who... a lot.. I am a proud dork who is a not quite, but kinda is, fanatic of that show. It's really the only thing that makes me look forward to a weekend at my dad's.. pathetic... I might go crazy if he keeps us so locked up in his house..

But Dr. Who.. a British TV show that hardly anyone has heard of has somewhat kept my sanity (a.k.a I don't wanna tear someone's head off from the intense boredom of my father's house)But this is a show you either love or hate, so obviously.. I love it.. It kinda just lets my mind wander and let my imagination create it's own stories and basically... keep me from killing someone.. but when I watch it I think "ah I wish I had a British accent... British accents are hot..." btw I totally have the hots for the two guys that play the main characters in the two latest seasons... gosh I'm a dork.... I WOULD LOVE TO MARRY/DATE A BRITISH GUY!!!! <3

more thoughts later~

what to do?

My gosh, this is gonna be a crazy night... I got a call on my phone while I was geeking out playing Kingdom hearts on my DS from one of my friends: "hey, I'm with so-and-so and she got kicked out of her house, can she come over?" I remember hearing my mom say a few months ago "I will always welcome your friends if they need a safe house, but only for 24 hours." so I say I'll ask my mom, she says yes so I just finished frantically cleaning my room in order for her to be able to see my floor and/or sleep on my floor... I hope this goes well... she's one of those people that can stay up all night and still go to school, I need 7 hours minimum to function.... I also wake up at 5 am to get ready.... yeah.....

spoke too soon...

So earlier today I posted that there wasn't really any drama going on in my life, gosh, I shouldn't say things like that.. it's like I jinxed the no-dramaness of my life....

It's not really any type of conflict with my friends, it's a conflict inside myself. I have this problem that I need to feel accepted, always, or at least comfortable with my surroundings. This evening I felt neither, I felt like a 3rd wheel.. I was invited to go skating with some of my good friends.. basically some of my BEST friends. all of them had dates, and of course I didn't, so basically I'm skating by myself. sometimes my friends come up behind me and poke me or something, but they get bored with me because I'm not a super fast skater OR they're more occupied with their date. Suddenly the gut wrenching feeling of "oh my gosh, I'm a 3rd wheel and I don't know anyone else here at all, what am I gonna do?!" I freak out very quickly and self-judge myself a lot so this soon became a spiral downwards of negativeness, loneliness, and I guess I just got scared because a voice inside me started saying "you're not welcome here, no one wants you here, get out you waste of space" etc. etc. etc.... I seriously thought I was just gonna go into the bathroom and cry, that would've been VERY bad because if my friends saw me I'd have to explain that I was basically acting like a 3 year old that wanted attention and didn't get her way. So I tried to suck it up and tried to have a good time skating (skating's really relaxing for me) but I just kept feeling worse and worse until I thought I was gonna toss my cookies from trying to hold in all these emotions... so I called my mom to come pick me up. some of my friends saw me taking my skates off and asked if I was leaving and not to go and when I said no they just left and kept skating (which is fine with me because I didn't want to make up anything and dig myself in a hole)

so now as I type my self-pitying words to either my faithful readers or just cyber space, I bid you all goodnight. sorry for this completely terrible post, I needed to vent very badly!

more thoughts later~

Here is a list...

...of things I've done lately:
Wrote positive things on my desk and see if anyone would respond
Told someone they inspired me
Tried to pick out the notes of a song so I could sing my part correctly in choir
came to my school 5 hours after school to learn how to dance
FINALLY got the family computer back (and fixed) HALLELUJAH!
went to an art museum
went to a soda fountain and tried something I've never had before
went to a dog adoption place and pet adorable puppies
got a cavity filled and dealt with half my face being numb for almost all day
complained about people a LOT

so yeah! that's a list of just SOME of the things I've done lately :)
My choir(s) have started May Fiesta and I've been doing a LOT of dancing, I love it because the dances are SO easy compared to the musical so I kinda "show off" but yeah, it's super fun and I really don't know what to say anymore because really there hasn't been very much drama in my life lately (which is a good thing!)

more thoughts later~

Spring break

My life has been falling together pretty nicely lately. Me and my sister are GETTING ALONG (Gasp! did hell freeze over or something?) I really don't have any drama going on, my parents divorce isn't bugging me anymore, I know what I want to be when I grow up, (this makes me really excited!) and yeah. life is good!

So, I wanna talk about what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be an Occupational Therapist. These types of therapists work with people who have sensory integration disorder (known as "SI" to the therapists), and a few other things but I'll use myself as an example since I have a mild case of SI: I can't stand balloons, I'm afraid they'll pop and the noise a balloon makes when it pops makes me want to cry. I also can't wash dishes, it makes me want to puke. and finally I am a HUGELY picky eater, I can't stand certian textures (soups and salads are the bane of my existance) but Occupational therapists help you kinda get over that, or help you live with it. But what REALLY fascinates me is how they treat kids. They basically play with them! I shadowed a therapy place for kids... Oh my gosh, it was like my heaven on earth! I LOVE working with kids! and that's your job all day every day! haha I could deal with that!

But other than the epiphany I had about what I wanna be my Spring break has been lazy and laid back, not do nothing ALL the time but it's not rushed with all this "oh my god! I need to do this and that and the other thing in the next hour!" kinda thing. one other thing: after I think a week or so of nice weather and no-snowness Ohio decided to plop a huge thing of snow on us yesterday and it's almost melted... why do I live in such a bipolar state??

More thoughts later.

(P.s it was the 1 year mark of my grandpa's death this past Sunday, it's also the 1 year mark of my blog!)

sickness...

...is the bane of my existence... I seriously hate being sick because I get sick ALL the time, and my sickness has the WORST timing.. normally during the end of the grading period or when i have a lot of tests... If you didn't already know, my immune system is terrible and if I get a cold it can turn into a hospital trip pretty easily. yeah... today I've been alone at my house with nothing to do other than read and sleep, I've hardly eaten anything and what I have eaten I haven't been able to taste so its crazy gross and I feel like I sound like a bitch whining about how sick I am xP
more thoughts later

Next to Normal madness!!!!!

AH!!!!! I LOVE Next to Normal!!! and guess what? we're singing a medley of next to normal songs in one of my school choirs :D if you don't know what Next to Normal is, it's a musical that I'm CRAZY about! But not just that! I might go to see the musical in the summer with my mom!! AND I just found out Alice Ripley, the main character of the show, went to the college my mom works at! :D
SO kewl!

sorry, this was a REALLY random post but I kinda thought I should share these random pieces of information with you guys :)

More thoughts later

powerful stuff.....

I REALLY enjoyed this article from the ACA big book, really powerful!

Adults don’t understand. Or they forgot.
Maybe it is too painful to remember.
Issues from their childhood are buried in a
hidden place they cannot easily find.

The adults say they don’t mean to hurt us.
They don’t know exactly why they act like they do, but
they do it anyway. They try to control us, and they
punish us. They overreact to little things, then miss
the bigger issues.

They constantly argue with one another
without realizing we are listening. They miss
our feelings, our needs, and our questions. They tell
us that we are not good enough, then complain that
we have low self-esteem.

Many adults can have no fun. Others can’t be serious
enough to listen. Inconsistency and chaos is the
rule.

Many of our parents have difficulties at work
and with their friends. As their children, we see and
live these problems with them. They criticize themselves
or us without mercy. Sometimes they want to
live our lives instead of living their own.

At times we become the parent. We take care of our brothers
and sisters, and we take care of our parents, too. Often
we think their arguments are our fault.

They tell us they want us to have a better life than they
had. But we grow up feeling guilty about what they
give us. They tell us we are lazy and ungrateful and
blame our school or our friends for our behavior.

We see, we think, and we feel; we also choose,
and we dream. But our human freedoms are often
denied. We are told what to see through the eyes of
our parents who are adult children of dysfunction.
We’re taught that our views are wrong even
though the truth is right before us. We are taught to
fear our thoughts and then we are ridiculed for not
thinking. Our choices are shamed; our dreams are
ridiculed and belittled.

We know how to act out and get attention. We
seem invisible, but we react with the passion of
youth, and we struggle mightily to survive
as we seek our own identity. The family chaos
will not allow us to be truly seen.

Our emerging strengths are both a benefit and a
problem. As we grow, feelings surge forth with a
force we’ve never known. Our loves are great and
our disappointments crushing. The exhilaration of
life takes our breath away, just like the nights spent
cringing in terror at home.

In this world of denial and confusion we find our
way. We experience pain and abandonment, then
cry out for connection the only way we know,
ways that sometimes hurt ourselves or others.

We swing between extremes. We
love our parents and hate what they do. We need
them so much, but we want to leave them. We
want to be like them, but we promise never to be
like them. We live in a land of black and white
where there is no gray. Our needs are complex and
compelling. We are teen children of alcoholic, addicted,
or dysfunctional homes.

Yet, we have hope. Deep in the darkness we
seek a light of truth and our rightful freedoms. We
review our chaotic life. We look at our parents’ alcoholism
or dysfunction and label it as such. We
say, “My parent is an alcoholic” and feel relief. We
understand that we didn’t cause this behavior, and
we can’t cure it.

We release our need to control
others and begin focusing on ourselves. We find
identity and hope with our friends in ACA. We take
responsibility for learning, understanding, and talking
about the truth inside each of us. Our feelings become
known. We make healthy choices as we learn
to love ourselves and parent ourselves. We can talk
about what happened. We have courage inside that
we are discovering. We celebrate a newfound peace
and serenity.

We are ready to embrace the promise
of our new lives in ACA Teen.

It sucks when....

you think someone likes you and you like them, but they start going out with someone else... There's a guy I've liked since Freshman year and I kinda thought he liked me a bit but I just saw he changed his facebook status from "single" to "in a relationship" and it just kinda made me go from "yay I'm SUPER happy!" to "awww... FML....." it really sucks..... but I prolly will keep liking him even though he's dating someone else, it just kinda makes me feel down in the dumps a bit... but yeah! that really the most interesting thing that has happened to me lately :P

More thoughts later~

Aida... it begins....

so, after like 6 or 7 weeks of practices it's FINALLY begun.... AIDA..... so, to tell you the truth, I love this show to death, and what makes it even better is because we had a snow day after opening night I didn't have to drag my sleepy corpse to school and have to try to learn with my exhaustedly tired self. But I really will be sad when this show is over: 1) I will miss spending time with so many crazy amazing people 2) I'll have to get a job... yay.. But back to the MAIN subject... I really have felt very honored to be involved in this show with such an amazing cast and crew, it's really been a great 1st experience to have with being in a musical at Hoover, I'll miss all the seniors like crazy! (they're SO talented!) But last night was fun, we had our cast party witch consisted of lots of food, a DJ, and a bunch of awesome people dancing... it was pretty darn fun :) well, I'll post some more stuff later!

Valentines Day

ah, the day of love, chocolates and other crazy types of things that can make you stupid/sick... Don't get me wrong, I love valentines day and I LOVE chocolate but I think its a little overrated... can't you ask someone out on a day OTHER than valentines day? Can't you get the person you love a big stuffed teddy bear and a box of chocolates on a day OTHER than valentines day? And isn't it easier to get reservations to your dates favorite expensive restaurant on a day OTHER than valentines day? wouldn't it be even MORE romantic that way too? I know, valentines day was made by card companies to make money, but people use it as an excuse for everything, and what about the people who don't even remember valentines day and rush the day of to get their significant other flowers and stuff? Wouldn't it just be a whole lot sweeter to just give it to them randomly (AKA not on valentines day) and say "I was thinking of you and thought you'd like these" with a hand written note about how much you care about them? and how many couples last FOREVER when they start going out on valentines day? not a lot... and I'm not saying there aren't couples that last forever when starting to go out on valentines day but its just that whole "OMG I HAVE to ask whats-her-face out on valentines day or I'll never get another chance" kinda thing that drives me nuts... Again, I don't need a holiday as an excuse to tell someone how I feel. as a girl I have to say sure, getting something on valentines day is really nice, but most of us daydream something crazy spectacular that normally doesn't happen so we set ourselves up for disappointment AND I think its MUCH sweeter to give gifts on days that are not birthdays or holidays! even a card that says "I'm thinking of you" can just make my day 100% more amazing! so THAT my dear readers (real and imaginary) are my thoughts on valentines day, good luck if you have any crazy ideas andI'll have more thoughts later!

The Dance....

...was... interesting... don't get me wrong, I love a good school dance like the one we had last night.. but sometimes people go a little too far in the craziness of dancing and letting go and all that crap... its just another piece of drama, I really did have fund, jumping around like idiots screaming lyrics to songs we know is all fun and that with friends. But you see people break promises and the stupidest little things (like not talking to someone all night)can be blown WAY outta proportion and it just makes you wanna yell at someone "get over yourself!" But it was basically like any other dance ive had... but i actually wanted to dance with a certian guy, even though he had a date.. I was even fine with just looking at him, but I didn't see him once... it kinda made me sad... but i guess that's life for you, you can't have everything!But yeah, people break others hearts and some mend others but it still ends up a big mess-type thing that usually drives me nuts... I guess I'm kinda venting right now but some people just drive me up a wall xP welp, I should prolly go now... more thoughts later~

a life update

today's a snow day.. more like an ice day, but it still means like everything is closed and it's too dangerous to drive... so I'm kinda stuck at home with nothing to do :/ well... I haven't really had an update on my life sooo... yeah... in school I'm doing pretty well, there was some stupid drama and that's pretty much over (It's really amazing how stupid people look once you open your eyes and don't take things personally anymore) I have a new crush now :) I know, I know, I move on really fast.. but I've liked this guy since Freshman year and... yeah... he's really awesome.... I wrote a 5 page paper about gay bashing that I'm really proud of. I learned that I have zero cold tolerance and ice-snow is no fun to walk in but VERY fun to take pictures of. The musical "Next to Normal" has basically taken over my life and I absolutely adore it (I'm prolly gonna see it in June!) I'm in the musical "Aida" and I'm having a lot of fun, it's lots of hard work but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be worth it in the end... AND I can do 15 push ups!!!! (AMAZING, right? at least for me~)I've also been talking to a guy my moms' friends' son is friends with and I'm really enjoying talking with him, it's nice to know that you're not alone in life :) (I might get to go have coffee with him soon!!) but that's really all that's going on with me!

More thoughts later

broken promises: a Rant

I'm not gonna lie.. I'm REALLY pissed.... We had an Aida promo day today, something (probably) most people would dread but I was kinda looking forward to. But the plug was pulled on me. by my father. who called this promo day a "hardship" for him. sure. be that way. but please tell me how waking up at 7:30 is a hardship. It's not like I'm asking you to get run over by a truck. or get attacked by mobsters. THOSE are hardships... and I seriously though by now YOU of all people would know what a REAL hardship is. I seriously wanted to go, I don't care how stupid it might of been in other peoples' opinions. Dad. Your house is my prison. I hate it here... I just wanted to get out. That one chance I had. you took away from me. People in the real world can get up that early without it being a hardship, that's sleeping in for them. but why should I compare dysfunction to normalcy? Maybe I'm the stupid one here. maybe I'm the selfish one here. I don't really care anymore though. I want out. please let me out. this prison...this life... is seriously killing me. you might think I'm overreacting about this if you're reading. But I've had too many broken promises. too many weekends in Akron feeling my brain melt because there's nothing other then vegging to do here. I want control of my own life. I don't want to have it controlled by other people just because they don't feel like taking me somewhere or they're just too old, too tired, or just don't feel like doing it. I know this is a serious rant. I don't know if anyone would read it. but I can't keep this bottled up inside of me. I can't. just the same way I can't face you dad. I can't say no. I'm too scared. I want out.

super fast summary of my day

today was a mixed awesome/bad day... the beginning was pretty bad but it got better in the end because:

1) I hung out with people who made my face hurt because I was laughing so hard
2) I let out my inner black girl (funness!!)
3) I LEARNED HOW TO TIE MY SHOES!!!!!! (yes, I knew how to tie my shoes beforehand, don't judge!)

as you know, I'm in Aida but unfortunately I don't really have any super close friends in it so... I'm kinda shy. luckily I have a friend, Ali and she let me kinda follow her around because I didn't know anyone (well) so I sat with her and her friends (who are VERY funny) I was totally splitting my sides from laughing so hard, I though we were gonna get yelled at! It was tons of fun though! later I went to go get a hair tie and I ended up talking to the amazing Chelsea Roden and a girl named Lisa who is a foreign exchange student who spent almost 15 minutes teaching us how to tie our shoes super fast, I felt so smart once i got it :) but that was a super fast summary of my day today, I'd go into more detail but unfortunately I have an annoying 12 year old sister yelling at me to get off... I'll try to post more blog entries over the weekend.

More thoughts later

the high school drill

so high school (in my book) is spelled: D-R-A-M-A but to tell you the truth it's not that bad, it's just when ANYTHING happens EVERYONE makes it seem like the whole world is over... it's HIGH SCHOOL people! I can promise you the world is NOT over because so-and-so is dating whats-her-face or whatnot! I wish people could get that through their heads.... but again... it's high school so my expectations are probably a little too high...

Aida has been going REALLY well, I've been meeting lots of awesome people and I've realized how much I've missed being in big onstage musicals... even though its REALLY hard work, I love it :) ah, I'm not really in the mood to type anything like this right now, I'll post something different in a bit :P

Dancing! Bruises! MAGIC~!!!!!!! :D

soo... if you can't tell by the title I've been in Aida for the past 2-ish weeks.... at first the daily practices were pure pain and suffering (A.K.A me limping around school pitifully after the grueling 3-4 hour rehearsals) but now I feel.... graceful? But once I got over the incredible muscle pains I found multiple bruises all over my poor little body -___- which are pretty painful themselves sooo..... yea.... Pain has been pretty frequent for me lately... But lately rehearsals have been.... fun! For example: my back was feeling pretty stiff and I'm like "what the heck, I'll just stretch!" so I do this... half back bend-ish.. thing... and I come back up from my stretch and one of my fellow cast members is looking at me and then says "that was just magical...." I think it completely made my day :) I've had lots of other "only this type of thing could happen here" kinda moments.... lots of spirit fingers and somewhat-awkward poses. But after Aida I'm SO tired I normally eat, take a shower, talk to my family a bit, then go to bed.... I have seriously neglected hanging out with my friends... until today.... can you guess why?!?!?! WE HAD A FREAKING SNOW DAY! (I really hope we didn't have practice though... I didn't go!) sooo... more thoughts later~

New year, new-ish stuff!

Hello my dear blog! oh how I've missed you... I'm sorry I haven't written in forever, my computer is dead and my mom won't let me use hers long enough for me to blog but I'm at my dad's now! so totally different story :D

So you know that guy that I really liked? Well, we ended up dating! It was pretty great at first, flirting all the time, watching movies at his house, bowling, all that fun stuff... But it was missing SOMETHING I tried to explain it to my mom and stuff but she didn't really get it... But some of my friends did... It's that spark, you know? The thing that REALLY makes you more than just friends, but I just wasn't feeling it... At all... Which is kinda depressing to tell you the truth because he's a REALLY nice guy... Probably the nicest guy I've ever met so yeaaa..... Whatever happens, happens, I'm basically just giving this to God. I know he'll turn me in the right direction, he always has.

The other day my friend told me to talk to my ex. So I did... I was actually planning on talking to him, I felt really bad for being such a Bitch to him.... Being a bitch (even though I can be one... a lot) just makes me feel all gross about myself. So I started talking to him on Facebook and he filled me in on all the drama I've missed (which is a LOT) so there's that :P But I'm going back to school tomorrow and I now have brown hair (none of my friends have seen me with brown hair!) which is my natural hair color, so that'll be pretty cool!

So I decided (because I had a serious lack of things to do) that I'm gonna work out regularly... I LOVE it! I feel so much better about myself, it's really great :) I run about... 8 miles a week, not AMAZING but that's not counting walking in school and walking the dog and anything else I do.

This New Year's was pretty fun! I was with my best friend, Jojo, and we stayed up watching the TV show, House, and it was SO fun!!!! I'm hooked on that and Dr. Who now~!

Hope your New year was awesome!
More thoughts later