Good things come to those who wait...and pray... its true :)

I'm kinda loving god right now... I know it's REALLY selfish but I prayed and prayed for a new, better, awesomer boyfriend.... I prayed and prayed and prayed it would be my really awesome guy friend who ive had a crush on for a while, and I find out he likes me. is God telling me something? or is it just my over-active imagination... but honestly my mom said that she had been praying to god a lot for stuff and it had been happening and to tell you the truth i hadn't really been talking to god latelyso i decided to give it a try... i honestly think it worked :3.... soooo... yea!!!

more thoughts later

this feeling.....

I've felt it before.... damn it I have a crush again!!!! I guess it's not a bad thing since the guy I like likes me too... but it's weird because we're not going out yet. I guess this feeling's more anticipation than anything, the gut wrenching thing that when you like someone... it feels like something's tugging at your heart and soul, that warms your whole body from the tip of your head to the toes of your feet. it's wonderful, yet horrible at the same time... it's weird to explain actually.... but when I feel it I can't help but smile, but it still feels like a million knives stabbing me. it's a crazy paradox of feelings..... its so confusing xD

I know I know, i seem to post about guys i like a LOT on this blog.. but this is kinda a vent thing for me, not just for negative feelings, but wonderfully painful positive ones too! and I really didn't have anything to write about until now :P

changes

there are a LOT of changes in my life right now.... changes in health, who my friends are, and aren't. who they're dating... who I'M dating, who I like and dislike, grades lifestyle, the list goes on and on. But what I've found the REAL challenge with all this is is accepting change, it's hard. Change can just be simply going down a different hallway in school or as big as having to go to your dad's house every other weekend because your parents are separated. but any change in your life will effect you, weather positively or negatively is up to you. When me and my boyfriend split up he got a girlfriend REALLY fast (as I mentioned in my last blog post)BIG change for a teenage girl, right? but anyways I wanted to take it personally but I didn't ( it was REALLY hard not to tho!) but I still avoided my ex a lot so I changed where I sat at lunch and what hallways I go down so I don't run into him. I know it seems like a lot, but I've been a LOT happier since I made those changes, I don't have to worry about not making eye contact with him or having something to say if he decides to talk to me (which would REALLY stress me out and would bring my day down) but it's all been working out for me, just because of these changes! I've moved on to better people ;) and I'm SO pumped for the rest of my sophomore year!!

... just a side note: I'm SO sorry I haven't been posting regularly, sickness and catching up and school and drama (high school is full of it) has kept me super busy! soooo... I am gonna try my hardest to keep posting ( as regularly as I can) from now on... I love you guys! and thanks for reading <3

more thoughts later~

well, guys can be total man whores! so in my last post i told you all that we broke up... not even 12 HOURS he finds someone else to go out with.... 12 HOURS!!!! like i know you gotta move on but, have some self respect dude!

done with that rant! :D

I've been actually having a good day! me and my choir kicked butt in our first concert, I found out I have a solid 3.8 GPA (without even trying xD)I get to go shopping tomorrow :)I'm gonna see the midnight showing of the new harry potter movie with my dad in November and I'm sipping a warm, yummy pumpkin spice latte, life is GOOD~! :D

more thoughts later!

.... and it all falls down

there are some decisions in life that are REALLY hard to make, they're the decisions that could potentially change your life for better, or for worse. I had to make one today, it was REALLY big... I had to decide if i wanted to break up with my boyfriend... and i did, I had been feeling like something wasn't quite right. and I know that no relationship is perfect, but something wasn't right and i didn't feel very safe. and I kinda missed the freedom of being single. my friends are prolly mad at me and they're allowed to be. I was gonna wait a little longer until I was gonna break up with him.. but it was painful, like i thought i was gonna be sick each time he looked at me because i knew he loved me and I just couldn't love him back. not the way he did. but there were boundaries crossed, i never verbalized them, but how can you say "you're loving me too much, can you stop?" it's weird.. you know? but the relationship was too... close i guess is the word i'm looking for. it felt like we were joined at the hip a lot. and if you know me in real life you'd know how independent i am and that i need space. I'm not used to having to hold someone's hand (not literally) all the time, I'm not used to having to basically take care of something that seems so delicate that it'll break... it's hard... really hard....

ugh... my phone went through the wash... crossing my fingers that it survives!!!! (I'm prolly gonna have more short sweet and to the point blog posts like this cuz I'm REALLY busy!)

nothing new!

ugh! i havent had ANYTHING to wright about lately (SORRY!!!!) I'm still not talking to the person who's friend hated on me. I'm still with my boyfriend. I still have good grades. really nothing new... and I promise if ANYTHING exciting comes up I'll post!! I just wanna prove i havent forgotten about this blog!!
more thoughts later

Haters.... they need to get a life!

wow, been a while since I wrote!well until recently nothing blog worthy has happened to me. I'm back together with my ex, Adam. I love him so much :) I've been doing well in school and all that. So for a while all was well in Kayla land!

but yesterday I had some drama. I had gotten back from my date with adam, we went to the movies and saw Scott pilgrim vs. the world (not as good as the comic series but funny) and Vampires suck (VERY funny!)and I was talking on facebook when one of my friends started messaging me, totally normal, right? so out of the blue she told me her friend said I was a dumbass to date adam again. it kinda shocked me, for one why would I care what her friend thinks? and two, why would she send me that? all I could say is "well, then I'm gonna be a proud dumbass" then she said her friend said I was a slut... WHY does she keep telling me this? it was REALLY starting to piss me off so again I said "so? then I'll be a proud slut" so we were quiet for a while, then I got a huge message, it kinda went like this "WOW, you're SUCH a slut! you fucking had sex with your boyfriend in front of your friends? No one wants to see your dick! the only reason your boyfriend kisses you is cuz he closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see your ugly face! and get rid of those boobs cuz they're like, twice the size of your fat head" and it went on and on... I actually started shaking from how mad I was.. I WAS hurt from wat that girl said, but I was more hurt that my friend didn't stop her or tell her "hey, you're going a little too far" I dunno if I even wanna be friends with this person anymore either! I was really frazzled, but talked to my friends and my boyfriend and they helped me settle down. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

SO that's the main drama that's been happening to me :P lovely, right?

Back to School

so, school started, I don't really have any complaints about it, just my locker's in the old part of the school so I am NEVER around it... but it won't be THAT bad :) all my teachers are AWESOME and I have a lot of classes with my friends!!! which makes me totally happy! In choir I'm a second soprano... again... but I can hit alto one and soprano one xD its crazy.... I found out in my ensemble (AKA choir you have to audition for) I have to be at my school at 6:30 in the morning on Mondays and Thursdays! yay... xP

the drama around me is quieting down... I'm not officially on a search for a boyfriend! hopefully I'll have one by September 26th (Homecoming) so I have a date :P doubt it'll happen though!

I kinda missed having something to do 5 days a week for 8 hrs a day.... I just wish we didn't have to wake up so early.... can't we have it like... 3 hours later? at least?

but who DOESN'T miss all the forced learning and rules and stuff??? -insert extreme sarcasm here- I know I DIDN'T! it was like once I finally was like "yeah! this summer is awesome! my friends are back and I can hang with them like, every day.." school started! -insert VERY sad face here-

so, I had and English project that wasn't due until Thursday... today's Friday.... I spent 3 hours doing the project... but it's done!!! and looks kick ass! and... I BETTER GET AN "A" BECAUSE THATS 3 HOURS I'LL NEVER GET BACK!!!!! -gasps for air- I'm used to putting stuff off until the last minute so this is a change for me O.o

but what REALLY sucks is I have a CRAZY early bedtime during the school week... I have to be in bed by 8.... or I get in trouble.... all I have to say is "hell, I'm not goin to bed at 8! I'm goin to bed whenever the hell I want!" but I get my mom's point that the kids will stay up if I'm awake... so... yeah....

more thoughts later

Fairy tales

I live in a fairy tail... and in it I always think I'm the pretty heroin Disney princess who gets whatever the hell she wants :/ damn was I wrong... what I THOUGHT was gonna be a perfect ending (A.K.A getting her prince from the evil spell of a nasty witch kinda thing)I was the friggen bad guy... I was the evil witch trying to steal "her" prince from the unfortunate princess.. but the prince saw what a horrible witch I was and went back to the beautiful princess because... honestly... who would fall in love with a witch?... so basically Dorothy threw water at the witch and the wicked witch melted.. the day is saved and the witch would soon be a forgotten memory... but REALLY... how could a friggen bucket of water in the face kill ME? I AM the friggen wicked witch after all... but honestly... I'm not all that bad... and decided to lay low so everyone THOUGHT I was dead.. but I'm very much alive... but all I can do is watch... I just watch and let my heart break over and over and over and cry my silent tears as the prince and princess happily skip into the sunset... and all I can think is... "that COULD'VE been me... but its not and probably never will be..." the prince loves the princess in a way I could've never been loved if he was with me, the witch. they've gone where I could never go, they've done things I could never do... not in my wildest dreams... and all I can do is cry my silent tears while I watch the prince be happy, I'll probably cry until I have no more tears to cry... and I can just hope the prince sees me.. or another one comes along and saves me from my daily anguish of being the wicked witch, loathed by the princess who knows I'm not really dead. But doesn't know my powers are gone, I can no longer touch her prince. She'll protect him from me, but what's there to protect him from? what's the point? the prince has totally forgotten me, no matter what I do he only has eyes for the princess....

honestly... who would love a witch??

more thoughts later

I seem to be a curse and be cursed all at the same time... I curse people (not on purpose)to like me and then cause as bunch of drama (also not on purpose) just by thinking out loud (aka telling the world how I feel) I curse people into guilt and to do stuff that they eventually regret just because I'm around them... I am cursed with falling crazy in love with people who are totally messed up and who also have girlfriends and which equals a recipe for disaster... I am cursed to be a person who doesn't quite fit in anywhere and can't identify with anyone because I've neither lived a horrible life OR a perfect life. I am cursed to have no money and no job and to be totally average. I am cursed with average looks so people don't turn their heads away when I come by neither stare... I'm just there... I am cursed with a lack of social skills and boyfriend, and probably will be boyfriendless for a LONG time..

curses are not fun, some things are left to be unsaid... yet I speak my mind and regret it horribly in the end.. some actions should not be expressed yet my lack of self control makes me do crazy stupid stuff which I ALSO regret in the long run...

but my worse curse is I'm totally in love with someone.. I won't say who... but there's a possibility it's impossible... even after he kissed me and said he liked me he just goes and tells me we shouldn't hang out alone anymore... it confused me SO much... and I really wanted to cry.... but I couldn't.. I didn't want my sadness to get the better of me... not again.. I'm SO stubborn with him too.. he says it might not work with us.. I say BS how does he know? so I'm waiting for him.. I might seem WAY to over confident about this.. but I've never wanted something so bad before... not EVER.. I LOVE this guy.. yes I said LOVE and I will for a long time.. I KNOW he likes me, he TOLD me! yeah, I know guys lie.. don't give me that talk but I want this.. I REALLY want this... I don't care what people say, I don't care if people are against me liking him. I don't want to stop loving him, even if he tells me that it would be best if I didn't wait for him. I will wait for him until I find SOMEONE who's better than him...

but I've NEVER met anyone even CLOSE to being better than him. he makes me laugh SO much, he knows where I'm ticklish he has amazing eyes and us the biggest dumbasses I've ever met. he's fun loving, caring, sweet, kind, stupid, smart, really hot, strong, but soft, easily confused, able to annoy you after acting like a broken record for 10 minutes but just to get a kiss from you, loveable, amazing... I could go on and on... but it just makes me sadder and sadder and wondering if I should give up hope or not... I can't help but love him.. honestly... I've TRIED hating him.. but it just made me like him more in the end...

god... I feel like I'm blabbing on and on and on and I just wanna lay down and cry... why the hello kitty does he have to make me have a tug of war inside my head??? WHY?!?!?!?!? a NORMAL girl would see that it's no use and would give up... but I'm not normal... not in the slightest.. ]

and you.. the guy I'm head over heels for.. if you're reading this... I love you... more than you could ever imagine... I was stupid in the past.. REALLY stupid... I should be noted as the stupidest person in the history of the universe! and I'm begging, I'm CRYING and begging.. if you saw me I'd be on my knees... just reconsider... I know how much you like your girl.. she's gone on a path I could prolly never walk on... but just think of all that I've said.. think about recently... just think... please... I love you... a lot... I've NEVER been so nuts over a guy before! heck, I'm putting this on my public blog!!! if I REALLY will NEVER have a chance just tell me... please... I don't wanna be fretting over this if I have absolutely no chance with you... again... I love you SO much......

this is me... this is Kayla, new and old, MK, Michaela, Kitty, whatever you call me... this is me.. pouring my heart out... I just want you to accept it...

more thoughts later

I don't have to cut myself....

... because my sister can do it for me! well... not CUT.... more like.... physically abuse me until I start bleeding.. I have scratches ALL over my left arm.. I'm not bleeding TOO badly but it still stings... a lot... and sadly.. I'm used to it! I don't scream or cry anymore when she does it.. I giggle and just tell her: "haha keep on making me bleed.. go ahead, I'll just take pictures for police evidence!" and she screams and scratches me more and it stings but I just kinda keep laughing because either way I win and she says "I'm gonna kill you someday kayla" I just laugh again and say "go ahead, everyone will know that it's you who did it and you'll go to jail, so it all works out in the end" I prolly shouldn't say the last part because by that time her nails/ teeth are deep in my skin and it makes me wince in pain from how much it hurts... acting kinda helps me mask pain so she rarely ever sees me in pain anymore and it pisses her off even more and she hurts me more often... and it kinda sucks because this always happens when mom's not home and I don't have access to the phone so I just have to bear with it...

I guess this was a venting post... I dunno tho.... I should prolly put some band-aids on my scratches before they get infected :P

more thoughts later

Secrets

Secrets, they're meant to be found out sooner or later.. no matter how hard you try SOMEONE will find out.. I found out a secret.. and it sucked! I'm a kinda nosy person and I found out someone's (not telling who) secret.. it was BAD.. like... REALLY bad.. and it ruined my image of them and I was depressed the rest of the day.. and really pissed... so now I REALLY wanna go home and I can't... I kinda wanna cry.. but I can't because everyone will ask what's wrong. and I've told my close friends about this but I don't wanna tell anyone else unless it's absolutely necessary..

I've been using a lot of "..." today xD

but I'm just mad and confused and sad and I just dunno if I wanna trust this person anymore... it sucks....

more thoughts later

I feel like a slut... A horrible lying bad mean slut! I'm not really gonna say WHY but the people involved with the whole thing would understand why :/ UGH! I dunno what to do!!!! and yes, I'm still a virgin, so don't get any ideas! xD

for the longest time I would NOT talk to my ex, I HATED him.. but i had NO reason to.. I really think it's a whole pride thing, even though I broke up with him my pride was still hurt. Everyone kept asking me why I broke up with him was.. and I dunno! I DIDN'T have a reason... at ALL! so I made up a bunch of stuff about him so I would just be left alone and I guess I started to believe the stuff that I said about him and ended up hating him myself... I was a total bitch. after a while hating him was a chore.. if you know me irl you'd know how hard it is for me to hate people.. unless it's my sister of course... I kinda thought about it and I had NO reason to hate him.. he didn't do anything to me and I'm the one who broke up with him... I just am feeling really bad for hating him over NOTHING!

anyways, we went to the park together yesterday, and I had all these flashbacks from when I dated him and I was like WTF??? but... yeah...

more thoughts later~!

I've been thinking (my friends who DO read this will probably be thinking right now "oh dear god what's she thinking about NOW?") I've been thinking about LOTS of stuff, school's coming faster than I thought it would, I'm seeing old friends and meeting new people, I've sung songs done auditions and all that shiz but in all this confused array of total spazzy randomness I just am gonna start typing and hope a good blog comes out of this

if I asked a friend who I was they'd prolly say "well, you're Kayla, happy all the time, someone who cheers you up when your sad, who laughs too much and never cries. Someone who never breaks the rules and is a flat out goody two shoes.." and so on and so forth. but is that REALLY who I am? Am I REALLY the happy all the time girl who everyone either loves or hates?

I tend to live in a fantasy where everything's shiny and happy and nothing's ever wrong. If you know my friends you'd think that's the LAST thing I'd think of xD I stay with the more "different" crowd, I absolutely love them but at the same time their way of life scares me a bit. I'm seriously the ONLY person in my group of friends that has never cut them self or stolen anything. again I ADORE these people, I guess I see them in a different light than most people do...

I AM happy a lot of the time, but not as much as people think.. it's called "ACTING" people, just because I SEEM happy doesn't mean I AM. I think I act happy a lot is because people want me to be happy and freak out when I'm not, when I'm NOT totally happy I hear "Cheer up!" "don't be sad" "you can't be sad" "what's wrong" "you're never sad, I'm worried" ..stuff like that and I guess I don't want people to worry about me and it kinda gets annoying :/ when I hear that I wanna say "YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M SAD GOD FORBID I HAVE OTHER FEELINGS THAN HAPPY! I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET!" and just be done with it and cry my eyes out if I have to..

yeah... more thoughts later...

I cried

(this happened last night by the way)
I cried for the first time in forever! I've been having guy problems, and I actually cried over him... I've NEVER cried over a guy before... so it was confusing... I didn't just cry, I bawled like full blown sobbing until I couldn't breath... I got so much support from all my friends, I dunno what I'd do without them!! just throwing that out there xD

Actions...

Every action you have has an equal and opposite reaction, weather it's good or bad SOMETHING will happen. I've done stuff and karma always gets me, no matter what it'll always come back to me sooner or later...

so I had a friend.. and he did something, sure it wasn't as bad as everyone else but it was something we weren't used to him doing and we made a huge deal about it, he got upset because he wasn't used to everyone caring so much or something along those lines...

some people might have a similar problem "why does everyone care so much? no one's cared before!" I'm pretty sure it means you're loved, and whoever's making a big deal about it isn't trying to be annoying.. they're just concerned. I know I was, like REALLY worried.. and who knows? maybe talking about your problem will help you feel better or whatever :)

haha just randomly was throwing this topic out there

damn you feelings!

have you ever had conflicting feelings about something that's REALLY important to you? I'm having that right now... and it sucks! it feels like my mind's playing tug-of-war with me, but no one's winning... so all that'll be accomplished will be me having a horrible headache afterwords. I've tried music , I sing, I draw, but this problem won't get out of my head! so I'm trying writing :P I did something I shouldn't have done and it got me into a mess, it's not QUITE a mess yet but it will be soon enough.. it's my fault no matter how much I, or anyone else involved denies it. But the one to get me out of the mess can't be me, it has to be my friend, it's not fair to him, and he has to make a tough decision because of my mistake. I hate how my one mistake (I don't wanna say it's a mistake, but it kinda is :/) caused so much confusion, just because of my conflicting feelings on something. it's like one part of my mind was screaming "NO! YOU KNOW THAT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN LATER ON! DON'T DO IT!!!" and the other one was urging me on, saying "you never take chances, do something exciting! you never do anything out of your comfort zone. just try it!" no, it's not drugs, I'd be able to fix that by myself xD and if I'm susceptible to catnip (which I am... lame ,right?) I'd be in even BIGGER trouble xD

ANYWAYS I'm totally freaking out about this... and just needed to kinda vent my feelings( this is REALLY turning into a vent blog xD)

thanks for reading :D

hello, goodbye

hey! been a week since I last posted (sorry)I really haven't had anything super duper exciting other than my best guy friend brent came back!!!!!! yay!!!! I missed him :D we've been hanging out every day since he got back, doing nothing but having tickle fights xD we're both crazy ticklish so it was interesting.... yeah....

So, on Friday I will be preforming at Robeks smoothies in Belden Village at 5 on Friday! come see me!!!! I'll be singing for 15 minutes, I'll be doing some stuff from glee :) I'm super excited! haha I'll post more stuff laterz!! <3

random spazz of infromation to utterly confuse you!!!

Summer, a joyous occasion.. a time of no school, when we're supposed to "HIT THE BEACH!", get a tan and just have a jolly good ol' time.. at least until you come back to North Canton... a boring little town with no beach, little to no sidewalks and is just dull... especially when basically ALL your friends are gone on vacation..

I miss them, my friends.... a LOT! they're the people I can entrust (almost) anything to, the ones who I can talk to when I'm depressed or just need to talk. it's depressing to not have them around all the time, I was so used to having their constant support and now that they're not here I think I'm going crazy!

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."

dang is that true.. mine isn't quite lost as it's... just not available right now..

MOOOVING ONNN~!

I went to Borders today and bought "Pretty Little liars" can't wait to read that!!

by the way, before I leave you with your heads scratching I'll be singing on the outside patio of Robeks smoothies in Belden Village at 5 pm!!! come see me~!

peace :D

The dress, the time, the money

soo.. It has come to my attention that school starts in 5-ish weeks, which is 40 days, which is 960 more hours of freedom! ugh!!! summer goes by WAY too fast..

but ANYWAYS in August or October of this year is homecoming... last year I used ALL of my money to buy a designer dress,even though it was REALLY pretty it was very inconvenient because even though it was pretty it was made out of this silky stuff that made me REALLY hot.. I actually almost passed out from getting too hot at the winter formal (which I wore the dress to). so I've been searching around and I found a REALLY nice dress that I REALLY like AND it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

so I have a LOT of money worth of IOU's from mowing the lawn for my mom and I'm gonna try to pull her leg to let me have the money early so I can buy it (if it's in the store) before the crazy last minute crazy homecoming girls buy all the good dresses! (cross your fingers!!)

Despicable me!

ok, I JUST got home from seeing the movie "Despicable Me" it was GREAT! I loved it!! I saw it in 3-D so it made it even better! :D ANYWAYS, it was a cute/funny/awesome movie the kids were ADORABLE Agnes and her obsession with Unicorns made me almost die from her adorableness!!!!! "it's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!!!" SOOO cute!!!! hahaha it was great... my favorite quote from gru has to be this:
Gru: We stole the Statue of Liberty...!
[the minions cheer]
Gru: ...the small one, from Las Vegas!
[the cheers stop]

haha great stuff right there :3 Steve Carell was GREAT his accent was priceless~!
I have to say, the REALLY funny scenes were the ones in the trailers, but it was still VERY good :D

stuff... yeah...

so I started running at the YMCA, I'm slow but it was fun :) I spent 40 minutes running, I did 2 miles running and then I rode a mile on a bike, then I did 68 crunches and then we picked up the kids from the pool, I have to say, I wanna do it again!!!

I'm gonna see "Despicable Me" in 3-D tonight, and I gotta mow still... yay... but... I really have nothing super important to blog about right now :P

see ya!!!

how?

soo... just kinda but not really "venting" this isn't an angry vent just a release of pent of feelings I've needed to express ;)

I saw you every day, I guess we became friends.. you were in almost EVERY class I had. how COULDN'T I notice you? you're crazy funny immatureness, teasing me, poking me during class, even flirting with me..how COULDN'T I notice you? but we couldn't come close like I wanted, you were dating someone, if I interfered it would've ended horribly.. it was just good enough for me to see you happy every day. or so I thought. you charmed me, I dunno how, you just did. How COULDN'T I notice you? And this hasn't been a passing fancy, I've liked you since the first day of my Freshman year, haha if you only knew how I felt.. you're honestly not the type of person I normally like.. but I'm not exactly NORMAL, neither are you. so how COULDN'T I notice you? you're so carefree, I wish I could be as free as you. laughing and really meaning it... LOVING someone and really meaning it... every time I would see you and your girlfriend together I would feel a horrible pain, I was jealous, how is it you two could stay so long together? so happy? I'm not a person to be jealous easily so I'd feel guilty about that too! how come you could tear me apart so much? cause me so much pain? grief? but... How COULDN'T I notice you?? when I saw you and your girlfriend broke up I was so happy (afterwards I felt REALLY guilty for feeling happy) but why would you date ME? I'm average, completely average, everything you know about me is AVERAGE. I guess my singing is a tad above average.. but what's in a voice? what would that do to help me get noticed by you?? I doubt it would do anything at all.. because other than that I have average looks, average cloths, average personality, just average compared to HER! I wish you could see me, heck, I wish I could see me as who I really am! I can be carefree and happy and pretty and caring just like any other person, but you just see me when we tease each other in class, making funny faces at each other and you"insulting" me while I "insult" you back. I loved spending time with you, but now that the new school year will start soon there's a chance I'll never see you again.. or not anytime soon.. HOW COULDN'T i NOTICE YOU??????

catching up

hello my loyal readers :D I haven't blogged since JUNE 19TH!!!! *smacks herself* I've been super lazy and I've had NO computer access at ALL (sister gets grounded all the time so I can't use the computer... figure THAT one out!)

so, I'm in the princess picnic in the park, we had our first performance last weekend, I kicked ass :D it was amazing, I sang at the silver star youth tent at the Silver star tent and brought a crowd! (w00t!) and we're having our final princess picnic in the park July 10th at 1 pm in alliance (check their website if you're interested)

ANYWAYS

I had my first big cry in a LONG time, nothing really big triggered it (haha like her sister giving her a concussion and bruising her leg and scratching her face isn't really big... xD) but it was nice to cry, I don;t do it often because I was "The Crybaby" in 4th grade and was made fun of.. so I hardly cry anymore :P but when you cry it helps you just... release, I felt REALLY tired cuz I cried for a LONG time.. but it was like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders... it was actually nice xD

this video completely describes me right now, I REALLY like this guy but it kinda completely impossible xD but I heard this song (the guy that sings it is awesome! check out his channel!!!) and I was like "OMFG! this is ME" haha so check it out!

.... I really need a phone that connects to the internet so I can blog that way...I miss blogging all the time!

OH! I almost forgot!!!! I MIGHT be singing at first friday with Canton Idol and friends (If my mom says yes) so I'll post if I am for sure, but First friday is REALLY fun (if you haven't been to it it's something you HAVE to go to!)

I'll try to post a LOT more now (if mother permits!)

see ya~!

Friends

Friends are really a blessing, I love my friends... they've been so good to me, even when I'm super annoying, I wanna say I REALLY don't deserve them, but without them I'd be so freaking lost and depressed! I'm so glad I have them, even if they flat out tell me something I don't wanna hear, they're (almost) always right in the end.

My friends are the greatest gifts I have,I ALWAYS have someone I can talk to if I need help, someone to make me smile when I'm feeling down, or someone to lean on when I need strength.

But sometimes friends move on, it's part of growing up and it always happens. sometimes it's from a fight, or they move, or you just lose contact.

this year I made a bunch of great friends, these are REAL friends, the ones that'll stick by you no matter what, and I love all of them, really, you guys are the best and I wouldn't trade our friendship for ANYTHING!!! not even if I got a big company to make me a famous singer or if I got to play a main part in a Broadway production.. these are BIG dreams for me, but if I had to choose between that and my friendship with you all I'd rather be with you guys :)

luv ya~!

prejudice and dysfunction

so.. being in New York got me thinking... why is it in new york city it's so inviting, you can be who you want and no one really makes a big deal out of it but in North Canton it's a HUGE deal if you're gay or dress a "weird" way or talk "funny" or aren't super rich or don't walk talk and act like everyone else on the planet? I think this is a horrible way to live, especially for the "weird" kids (A.K.A me) we're NOT that weird, we express ourselves differently, that's really all the difference. building on this subject I wanna talk about dysfunction: dictionary term-dys·func·tion also dis·func·tion (dĭs-fŭngk'shən) n. Abnormal or impaired functioning, especially of a bodily system or social group. I REALLY want to stress on this. EVERYONE is dysfunctional, I know, hard to hear.. right? I'm VERY dysfunctional, you're dysfunctional, your friends are dysfunctional, your parents are dysfunctional.. it's the cold hard truth. I have yet to meet a single family that is not dysfunctional. but we all choose to express our dysfunction in some way. I'm a control freak, I seek constant approval from my friends and peers... pretty bad, huh? but there are other ways people express dysfunction: constant use of cellphones and computers, sugar,food,sex drugs and alcohol addictions, spending money, breaking the law, constantly being in relationships, people pleasing,anorexia, bulimia, constantly exercising being a perfectionist..I could go on and on and on. if you don't fit into ANY of those (which you might not) maybe some of your friends do this. ALL of these are good... IN MODERATION but this is what's called "medication" it's how you make yourself high.. in a sense, it helps you feel better in some way, gives you control, but too much can lead to problems.. I'm not trying to be preachy, but I had NO idea about ANY of this until last year, my mom, who's in her mid- 40's had NO idea about this last year, but it's helped me, because it's not just me who goes through this, EVERYONE does. so I'm not better off than anybody and not worse off than anybody. but I've also learned that people LIKE to think of themselves as better than everyone because they feel bad, maybe even horrible about themselves, I've experienced it, and probably so have you.

NEWSFLASH: Normal is only a guideline, subject to interpretation. we are all unique. "normal" should not be used to portray a lifestyle or personality!

lots of people would disagree with my statement, I would have disagreed before I started at Hoover myself, especially since I live in such a small community. but once you leave the boundaries of North Canton Ohio you start to realize how wonderful "different" or "weird" people are, how "normal" can really just become a useless word, because honestly no one's normal. we're all entirely bonkers, all the best people are :)

super short NYC

I've been neglecting my blog because my younger sister keeps getting grounded from the computer "why can't YOU use the computer?" you might ask... because my sister ALWAYS finds a way to use it so when she's around NO ONE can use it.... at all! it sucks, I know...

ANYWAYS... on to NYC

(last) Thursday I saw West side story which was absolutely amazing, Tony (main male lead) was stunning, I almost melted in my second row mezzanine seat (good seat) HE was gorgeous, his VOICE was gorgeous, his ACTING was gorgeous... it was all around amazing :D

next day we went to a college to meet one of my dad's friend's who lives in Brooklyn, she was awesome (love you Jane!!) she showed us around, we didn't have any subway confusion because she knew EXACTLY how to get EVERYWHERE :D

Times square is awesome, Ellis Island is awesome, the food in china town is awesome and the statue of liberty was awesome.... yes, a VERY short summary of my trip but if you have questions e-mail me. I LOVE NYC it is the place to be, visit it before you die... it's such an american city, you can be who you want and I LOVE it :D

before I continue

ok, I'm not going to continue my NYC story just yet.

There are some people who are upset with my opinions about a certain person you know what? I gave the person a chance, no, there's nothing wrong with the person, but I DID give them a chance and they failed. I'm NOT going to be their friend, I'm not going to try either. I'm done, given up, moved on, end of story. please respect my feelings and opinions, because you can't change me. as quoted from one of my favorite books "a good opinion once lost is lost forever" this person has moved on and so have I. let's not bring back old problems and hurts. what's done is done. so, I think I've sold past the cloths a bit now..

thanks for reading and I'll be posting my pictures from NYC on facebook and blogging about it slowly but.. it's gonna happen :)

NYC days 1 and 2

so I got to New York yesterday at around 4:30, John (one of our friends) welcomed us very nicely :) we made dinner and waited for susie to come back from work. we ate a VERY big dinner. and we all talked until almost midnight.

I woke up this morning and we ate breakfast, went to BJ's and came back. suzie called and me and Jeri got tickets to see West Side Story on BROADWAY! this is gonna be my FIRST Broadway show!!!! I'm SO excited :D I'll post how that goes later :)

so Dad wanted to take me to a New York Deli, the one he used to go to when he was a kid. we got horribly lost and we went through the whole, "you should ask directions" "no, if we get REALLY lost, I have my Tomtom!" so, we got REALLY lost and we pulled out the Tomtom... no GPS signal.... that was an "Oh shit..." moment we just kept driving and we FINALLY got a signal, we were almost to the Deli and my dad wasn't paying attention and almost ran through a red light, he slammed his breaks REALLY hard and... the breaks die... he still had enough to not kill us. we made it to the Deli and I had the most amazing roast beef sandwich on the face of this planet. I swear when I go back to the Ohio Deli my stomach will be crying for the amazing half pound of rare roast beef with mayo and lettuce and salt and pepper on a Kaiser bagel. yummmmm :)

so YEAH! we're at Mcdonalds now, I'm using my dad's computer to post this and all's well with the world, I wouldn't replace this with ANYTHING!

tonight west side story, tomorrow our tour of the city :)

Updates, Arguments, and Lyrics!

so, I'm at my dad's house, just finished watching glee.. best show EVER!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that show!!! soo ANYWAYS my day has been super utterly boring. this weekend jojo AND rachel spent the night, I had my audition I kicked some serious butt, had a mini mental breakdown and re-organized my room (which looks totally awesome now :D)

ok, my subject today is what I don't get about people.. is it just me or do some people like to just bring old stuff up to tick other people off? because it happens to me a bit and no one likes it, like.. at ALL! and thy start pointless arguments just so they can be right, even if they're completely wrong. but what I don't get MOST about people is how they can talk about me thinking I don't hear about what they're saying online OR offline. it REALLY gets me PO'ed.. I honestly think the majority of the reason they do stuff like this is for attention.. but I'm not them and I can't read their minds.. it just REALLY gets me AND others PO'ed I guess this is a kinda sorta warning/ Public service announcement to all the stupid people out there that don't know when to stop annoying the crap outta people

done with that venting now!

so, I wrote a song a LONG time ago (last year) and it stuck with me, I have piano chords and all that and it sounds good but I'm stuck on the bridge/ending
nut ANYWAYS here's the lyrics:

There's a time in your life
when all your light
seems to fade away
and you hope and you wish for those dreams to come true
but they seem to fade away

and you took all those things for granted
and now your friends are gone
you didn't realize 'till it's too late
you don't know what you have until it's gone
you don't know what you have until it's gone

you wait in distress for your hero to come
but he never shows
you forgot your coat and it starts to snow
you thought you'd do it alone

but you took all those things for granted
and now you're freezing cold
you didn't realize 'till it's too late
you don't know what you have until it's gone
you don't know what you have until it's gone

(some kind of bridge)

And you took all those things for granted
now it's all gone
you didn't realize 'till it's too late
you don't know what you have until it's gone
you don't know what you have until it's gone
you don't know what you have until it's gone...

corny lyrics, huh? I wrote this during a really rough time in my life. all my friends were gone and some other complications and I had basically next to nothing. you don't really appreciate what you have until you have nothing... so.. yeah! I'll be posting stuff in my free time in NYC (hopefully!)

thanks for reading!!

sleepovers and awesomeness

so, jojo slept over last night so I had to clean my room (it looks freakin amazing :D) and I found a tube of black lipstick from Halloween and we decided to put it on and take a bunch of pictures! I found out I can really pull it off and I look pretty damn hot in it :D haha it was great!! so now we're waiting to go to the local ice cream stand to meet everyone for ice cream :) soo... this is a really short post but we're gonna go now! see ya :D

wow..

so, I've noticed my blogs are crazy long and they're probably making your eyes bleed from reading them (if anyone still reads this blog anymore) I'll probably be posting every day (maybe) so if you're reading this now, there's more to come!

Exams, questions, friends

so today was the first day of my finals, had to wake up early (yuck) and go to school (double yuck) the math test made me wanna pull out my hair and bang my head on the desk, i was SO clueless! but the Spanish exam was SO easy, I finished with 20+ minutes left (it was a 150+ question exam)I finished my book and wrote on my planner xD after that I went to my friend's house and I got to hang out with her and her boyfriend (my best guy friend)we kinda played a question game and it got really deep, but it was fun and we spent like 2 or 3 hrs just asking each other questions. I'm so glad that they're my friends (love you two!!!) I can talk to them about... everything :) we were in the middle of our conversation when my friend's brother came saying someone was here to see us, we went out and two assholes (not mentioning names) came and were... well... assholes! it really pissed me of and I really wanted to tell them to jump in front of a car or something.. ugh, but after they left my friend's boyfriend had to go home because it was 2 pm. so me, my friend, and my friend's brother played badminton, my friend quit because she got tired so me and her brother kept playing, I'm pretty damn good at badminton if the sun's not in my eyes! we spent like.. 3 minutes hitting the Birdie back and forth without dropping it :D I left and now I'm here, typing a story on my blog, because I can, I'm sorry I haven't posted a lot I'm gonna get back into this because summer's here and... yeah!
<3 you all (srry for my rant post, I was REALLY upset, if you haven't read it, don't its a waste of time :P)

feelings re-surfacing

there was once a girl with a friend, she was a great friend and was like a big sister to this girl. that friend broke up with her boyfriend and he became suicidal, out of the blue he starts to talk to her, venting about how he feels. she'd never really talked to him, just knew him as her friend's boyfriend. they started to talk more, he was heartbroken over the breakup and I guess he needed someone to talk to. the girl talked to him, she soon became concerned and wanted to make sure he was ok, they would talk every day via IM. she hated that he was suicidal just over a breakup, but she had never experienced love before so she couldn't truly grasp it. soon they became really good friends and talked to each other about everything,without knowing or thinking, they were therapy for each other. after several months he started to get over his ex, and the girl started to become really attached to him, her feelings grew and she started to love him. he was her first real love but she didn't know it, he probably didn't either but after a while she finally confessed to him. unknown to her, he liked her too, but it couldn't work out, they were three years apart and even though he liked her, his friends looked down on it. Even though her heart was broken she still had hope, the two decided that they would be each other's fall back if they couldn't find a decent person to date. she loved him, and didn't want it to be like this, but she agreed. a little over a year passed and their relationship kinda fell apart. they took on the roles as "big brother and big sister" and started on different paths, they would say hi every once in a while but school started and they kinda forgot about each other, the girl dated a couple guys but they all ended up being jerks. more than a year passed and the girl decided on a whim to go through some old files. she found some old journals that described the conversations she had with her old friend. she realized how much she missed him and still had a tinge of feelings for him, all she wants now is to be able to talk with her "big brother" more

true story

a venting/ apology post

I'm SO sorry I haven't been on lately!! Finals are coming up and this month's been totally crazy! I've been confirmed, had an anniversary in Virginia,may fiesta, auditions, voice lessons and crazyness.

anyways, today has been like... the crappiest day of my life.... it's always when we clean the house that my family and I get into fights! like, when anne's at dad's we're fine! but all anne does is sit on the computer until she has to clean, and when she has to clean she just sits on her bed complaining how life's not fair, this wasn't her mess and she doesn't know where anything goes because she has so much stuff. anyways today she pissed my mom off so bad that my mom left the house, she's been gone for about an hour now and the kids were complaining *I* don't do anything, when I just finished cleaning the living room and dining room all by MYSELF because my mom left and my siblings have better things to do then be a part of the family and clean. so while I was cleaning the house, by myself, I made piles of the kids stuff in front of the kids doors, just like mom does. anne saw it and was all like "you put all this crap in MY room?!?!? you're such a bitch!" and she hit me! hey, I don't think little sisters should be calling their big sister's a bitch when her sister's in charge. of course she runs out of the house after that, and of course she has the phone with her, and of course she calls mom saying that I tried to kill her, and of course now I have no way to contact ANYONE if the house burns down or something.. it's ALWAYS like this though! we clean, anne complains, mom leaves, I'm stuck with the kids and all the responsibilities of the house and I get abused by my little sister. I just wish I had some help around the house when this happens, anne always takes the phone so there's no way I can call for help, and what could anyone do to help me?? I just wish I had a dad or something, I can't do this by myself! I'm just 14 and I'm a kid, yet everyone expects me to just keep smiling and pretend like nothings wrong and deal with it. I wish I could just be a kid, because I am one, and I have a life to live and I don't wanna be stuck in my house being abused by a sister with mental problems. people ask me "why don't you fight back?" I do, I have! I'm like, the weakest person alive, ask my friends, I can't even throw a punch. and on top of that anne's crazy strong, and I've gotten several horrible injuries from her, and I hate it! I have nowhere to go because my friends all live far away from me, my other family lives in Akron and I just dunno what to do anymore. I don't like living like this, it's horrible. I try to help wherever I can but all it leads is to abuse of some kind, mental verbal, physical.. and I'm slowly turning into this person I swore I never would be. I hate it, and I just need someone,anyone, to just be there for me, because right now I have no one that I know I could go to anytime, nowhere to run, just my home. and even in my home, its not safe, there's rarely any peace, I'm just rotting away slowly, it's sad.. I'll probably die young from my sister bashing my skull against the wall or something, she's tried that before but I've survived, in a sense, I dunno how long I can live like this...

I guess I just need help, I've made this crazy long plea/ vent blog and you guys probably think I'm crazy or something... I just don't know how to express what I need verbally, so I'm just writing so people know what's going on right now.. normally I just smile and pretend everything's ok. but right now, it's far from ok

it's so insane!

wow, since I last posted (which feels like forever ago) I got strep... I'm still not feeling very well but I'll survive xD I wanna thank my friend Brent for keeping me company while I was sick (texting is very convenient :D) so I didn't go COMPLETELY insane :)

did I mention I went to Columbus in my last post? if not... I went to Columbus last weekend and I can't wait to go again!!!

also Elyse is coming to visit!!! hopefully I won't pass out at the mall or anything when we hang out, still not feeling very well :P

well... I've run outta things to say....
I miss you my amazing friends!!!
...I'm gonna go pass out now...
BYE!!! :D

crazyness

wow, it's been so crazy since I last posted, the retreat was actually pretty fun :) I can't believe I regretted going!

this weekend I went to Columbus and met the Ratliffs, great family, can't wait to see them again!

but anyways, on to the crazy part where I try to tell you as much stuff as I can before my bus comes to pick me up!

anyways, I broke up with my boyfriend last night... I think it was a bit unfair since HE didn't do anything wrong this was an all me decision, and believe me, it was a hard one. I'm really taking a chance with this because I still REALLY want to be friends with him, but I dunno that it would work out like that, he was really hurt... and I'm upset to, cuz I don't like to hurt people! It's just... not in my nature I guess.. and I think I just kinda lost a best friend.. so I cried last night and... yeah... this whole thing is driving me crazy, I wish I could curl up into a ball and sleep the rest of the school year, but I know that if I think like that I'll get depressed again, and that's not a good thing. so I'm going to face today with open arms and let God do his work, I'll just need extra prayers

love you all :)

news news news

so! I'm going to a WONDERFUL chruch retreat *rolls eyes* I WANTED to go to Grandpa's memorial clown show thing on Saturday but NOOOO I have to go to a conformation church camp!!!! I'm SOOO bummed :'( so I'm leaving 5 pm tonight and I'll be back around the same time sunday :( I am NOT looking forward to this...

peace~!

Paper mosaic video

HAH! I found me and mary!!! we are at exactly 0:03 in the video xD for like a millisecond :P it took me forever to find it xD



haha YAY! my (less than) five seconds of fame :)
hope you liked it xD

AH! sorry!!!!

I haven't posted in 4 whole days!!! *gasp*

haha actually, I've been doing school and all that wonderfulness :/ so today was rainy and cold so I pulled out my heaviest hoodie (which was a Glenoak hoodie btw) so everyone was like "ooh! why are you wearing a Glenoak hoodie?? you go to Hoover!!" but it was kinda ridiculous... hah, it wasn't even MY hoodie xD

MOVING ON~!

I went to my sister's spring concert today and it was ok... besides the fact that they were 5th graders suffering extreme stage fright. I think it was kinda funny that their choir director (who is a VERY nice woman!) thought 60's songs were from my parents childhood/teenage years... which was SOMEWHAT correct... my mom was BORN in 1965... so.... she didn't really REMEMBER the songs, she just knew them 'cuz they were famous xD

I also COMPLETELY forgot about my math homework (thank you god for the amazing computer~!) we had to look up divisibility rules.... I hope I got them right xP AND my printer died so I had to e-mail my literacy paper to my (kinda sorta but not really) teacher, isn't that great? your printer dies when you need it most (is it Karma?????)

So I have a friend... one of several BEST friends... but I've known her the longest... and I'll dub her... MJ!!! (creative, right???) MJ came to my mom's jewelry party on Friday (which was pretty darn fun! but the jewelry was kinda to "grown up-ish" for us xD) and she slept over too (which always leads to insanity of some shape or form) and we were SOOO hyper xD OMG every time we see each other we get CRAZY hyper like.... if you're a friend of mine from school, and you've seen me hyper there multiply that by 100 or so.... yeah.... scary huh? But back to the point... me and MJ have had a pretty complicated background when it comes to jewelry *couchweactuallygotinafighaboutitonceanddidn'ttalktoeachotherforamonthcough*
WOW that's hard to type w/o spaces O.o
so we had a jewelry business together and it got insane xD so the geeks that we are were looking at rings with gemstones and stuff commenting on the clarity and stuff like that... SO interesting, right??? but that's just us :)

I love you MJ~!!!!!!

OK! so..... I still have stuffs to do... so I shall see you all later :D

OH!!! btw I totally forgot!!!!
go to youtube, type in mysteryguitarman and find his video "paper mosaic"
this is a video, a GREAT video and me and my baby sister, Mary sent in a picture of us holding a yellow piece of paper and I haven't found it yet T-T SO! if you can I would absolutely love it if you could find us!!!


thanks~!

goodbye my devoted fans (if I even have any....)
muah~! <3

OHSHC!

sooooo there's this anime/manga series I REALLY like it's SO funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWqY0IUBETg

^link to some funny clips from the show

I highly reccomend this series... IT"S AMAZING!!!!

Choir: church and school

SO! We have this thingy at school called "May Fiesta" for all the choirs... I'm in Freshman choir... and I was SOO excited for our choreography, like really and truly excited! but NOOO we have to do a completely stupid hand motion routine with SOME moving side to side if we're lucky... this is in NO way choreography!!!! it makes me wanna cry....

MOVING ONNNN~! haha I'm going to a choir BBQ in a bit!! can't wait :D I love our (church) choir director... not really a fan of the school ones yay for food!!!

I'll blog some more laterrr!

<3 yall :D

AH! sorry!!!!

Hey!!! I haven't blogged in a couple days... sorry!!!! I had a (couple) devoted fan(s) who emailed me saying I needed to blog more... people are reading it, yay!!!

anyways, I had to go back to school and today I was sick and was sleeping most of the day :P

but anyways, POP QUIZ TIME!!!

I KNOW that you all watch youtube in some shape or form, who/what is/are your favorite people/things to watch on youtube? what do you like about them? what DON'T you like about youtube? leave a comment of some sort on your thoughts :)

sorry for this short post, I have to get back to the schoolwork I was SUPPOSED to be doing xD

<3 you all!!!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! Time to get sick off of Chocolate bunnies, peeps, jelly beans, and foil eggs (or whatever other sugary snack you'll get) I've only had a few peeps and foil eggs and I'm already feeling sick.... I remember when I was little I could eat bunches and bunches of candy until I was sick... now it just takes 4 pieces of chocolate to make me sick :P but the kids had an outdoor Easter egg hunt for the first time in several years, I had to hunt too.. but I found 22 eggs without even trying xD Easter still has it's special magic over me... same with Christmas, even though my parents have told me it's them years and years ago!

it's so cute how the little kids wake you up and are squirming with excitement, and you remember how you felt the same way once upon a time. and they're finding eggs as fast as they can while you play along finding one egg at a time while rubbing the sleep outta your eyes.

Ah..... the joys of Easter....

but anyways, I hope you all have a blessed Easter!

Easter, separating, and memories

so... easter's tomorrow :) today me and mom get to color eggs, get the kids all excited for the Easter bunny and then stay up late after Easter Vigil and decorate. Honestly, I think the kids are WAY more excited for the candy since we rarely have any in the house.

But this Easter kinda signifies our first Easter with my parents separated. Next month will be the one year mark of my parents not living together. I was so scared, it's not even funny, to live in a place far from home, sleeping in a bed that isn't yours, even eating food that wasn't yours is unnerving. but there was still a sense of security for me. My experience in a battered womens shelter was something I wished, back then would never happen to me. But it did. we stayed there for a while and then went back home.. It was actually more scary to go back home than to go to the shelter.

so yeah! that's what I remember from last year :P

hope you all have a blessed Easter!

April fools day

Hey, it's April fools day! my least favorite day of the year (whoever created this day is a horrible person) I'm REALLY gullible and every year my friends play pranks on me and they always work!!! it's not fair cuz when I play pranks on them it NEVER works!

*sigh* but I THINK my boyfriend will be merciful and not play any on me (hopefully)

so, hope you all have an awesome April fools day (hopefully I will this year) and thanks for reading my blog this far!

I know it's been kinda depressing, but I'll be all happy-go-lucky again soon xD

Final note on the Funeral

So, today was the actual funeral.. the mass was good, I got to sing. Lunch was good too, cousins were crazy as always. My boyfriend was there to support me, but I actually was fine until the burial (which I told him he couldn't come to :P). but thanks so much for supporting me today!

The burial was great, Grandpa got a 21 gun salute because he was a Vietnam soldier. Someone played the traditional trumpet song when people die. They gave grandma an American flag, folded into a triangle. I started crying when the soldier gave a mini speech while he presented it to grandma. afterwards we went to grandma's house and ate and she seemed a lot better.

Grandpa, you'll be missed. I love you, hope you're having a good time in heaven watching those baseball games :)

Gone, but not forgotten...

Hey, just got back from Grandpa's calling hours... it was sad, but kinda happy at the same time :) I cried a LOT at the beginning (and I saw my cousin cry for the first time in my life) but I got to talk to some people I haven't talked to in years and it was great, we were talking about grandpa and I just felt really happy after that.. I actually had the courage to kneel up against his casket and touch his face... dead people feel weird O.o like.... wax..... it's just so strange to see someone's dead body too because they look so different then when they were alive.

I also learned you seriously can't take things for granted... EVER! I kinda regret not seeing grandpa in the hospital before he died :/ mom said I would but I didn't believe her.

I wrote a song about how you don't know what you have until it's gone back when my parents were separating and I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were taking their things for granted, it frustrated me so I wrote a song :P

but anyways, Grandpa was an amazing person, and he will never be forgotten. he was a great soldier, husband, father, grandfather and brother.. I love you grandpa

Don't forget...

to check out my youtube channel~!!! I DO take requests and once I get my new mic. I'm gonna post a bunch of songs :D

http://www.youtube.com/user/BlackRoseMK

^that's the link I love incite on how to improve my quality (no flaming please)

I really enjoy doing this and I can't wait to continue uploading songs :D

An answer

so back to my "what if" questions... my friend Brent was talking to me and said something that I'll probably remember forever

"ur "what if" questions can only be ancwerd in one way "if you didnt do all that it would take you down a diffrent path but would that path be a happy one for you or is this one :)"

Brent, I'm pretty sure it's this one. even if my posts seem a tad depressing I'm SO much happier than I was last year! Like it's crazy how much happier I am, even with all this crazy stuff going on I can still keep smiling because I have a group of amazing friends who have stuck by me through this crazy time I'm going through... this means a lot to me because last year I didn't have such good friends. my friends would stick with me when they needed me and they all ended up hating me in the end, I'm still not talking to a lot of them xD but it's just amazing how this has all worked out.

And thank you to all my good friends (you know who you are~!) I love you guys!!!

Have you ever..

Have you ever yelled at someone until it hurts?

Have you ever cried until you puked?

Have you ever wished that someone you hated would fall into a hole and die?

Have you ever regretted saying that?

Have you ever injured someone, Physically or Mentally?

Have you ever BEEN injured like that?

Have you ever had a brilliant idea?

Have you ever thought it was horribly stupid later?

Have you ever been in the middle of a parents separation?

Have you ever had to act like an adult for years?

Have you ever been hated?

Have you ever been loved?

Have you ever thought there was no way things could get worse?

Have you ever found out they can?

Have you ever had everyone you know turned against you?

Have you ever fought back?

these are just SOME things I could throw out there (all have happened to me :P)

yeah... I think it's kinda REALLY depressing.. but it's just some random thoughts I've had :P

kinda like a "what if" moment... but they've all already happened to me.. so is "a flashback" the right word then? but anyways... I'll get my thoughts all happy again (I'm normally a super happy peppy person [say THAT 10 times fast!]) but I guess I just need some time to get my depressing thoughts outta the way so you don't have to feel sad every time you're done reading a post :P

thanks to everyone that's read this far! I hope you'll continue to read my stuff!!

Depressing news...

So yesterday at 3 pm, my grandpa died of cancer.... he was 70 years old and I loved him a lot... his wake's Tuesday and his Funeral's Wednesday. Thank you everyone who's supporting me, I dunno what I'd do without you all :)

It's so weird that you take things, and people for granted. I've had a lot of "what if" moments lately.. like "what if I stayed at my private school?" "what if I chose a different group of friends?" stuff like that. and don't get me wrong, I'm not an uber deep thinker but it's just kinda scary to think "where would I be if I didn't do this?" and imagine how much worse/better off you would've been if you did/didn't do what you did... ok now I'm getting confusing :P that's what I get for blogging half asleep...

so anyways, when I get my video camera back I'm probably gonna do a vlog or two and I should probably get SOME publicity of some sort so some people read this xD

Good night Blogspot!

Starting off..

Hey :) welcome to my blog!
If you're reading this you're either someone I forced to read this or you just stumbled across this while surfing the web... either way, hope you enjoy what you're about to read cuz I honestly dunno how this is gonna turn out!

well, I'm a singer... I LOVE to sing~! I have a youtube account (BlackRoseMK check it out!) but since my microphone broke (I sat on it and it snapped in two...) I haven't posted anything recently.
I'm learning Spanish and Japanese, two very awesome languages. and I like to act to :D

My life isn't REALLY exciting but it's not boring, oh no.... haha I've had a pretty wild ride the past year or two... my parents separated, I went to a private school, but didn't like it after 2 years, started at my public high school as the new girl and made lots of frends :)

so if you're not interested in any way about this blog, you honestly don't have to keep reading after this! (this is my 3rd attempt on a blog) But I just wanna put my thoughts and words out on the world wide web.

Love it? Hate it? let me know if anyone's actually reading this and COMMENT!!!!! please!!!! :D